Pig pile, 2004

Forget about Janet & Justin at the Super-Duper Bowl. We say that if you want to protect your kids (and perhaps yourselves) from some real obscenity, avoid television advertising during the presidential campaign season — which, if you haven’t noticed, is already upon us. We know, we know. The conventional wisdom is that this will be one of the most mean-spirited and dirty campaigns in contemporary times. And although your superior correspondents frequently veer from the conventional wisdom, we happen to think it’s right on in this case.

In fact, Sunday’s New York Times had a section front "Week In Review" article indicating that the "mean campaign of 2004" was the ultimate example of the "conventional wisdom." We think it’s going to be down and dirty because Bush’s poll numbers have been slipping, and the promised "economic recovery" and job creation statistics are nowhere near what the administration has been touting. Add that our "adventure" in Iraq continues on a very dubious course. Not to mention the unease that people have (or should) about Bush Administration anti-environmental policies, and his lack of interest in health-care, affordable housing, and the growing gap between rich and poor.

Bush’s boy, Karl Rove (or is Bush Karl’s boy?), knows how to get down and dirty, and so does Kerry (remember the 1996 US Senate race with Bill Weld?). Yes, there will be plenty of mudslinging to go around.

While P&J are not exactly ecstatic about the new JFK (but when was the last time anyone was ecstatic about any presidential candidate?), we do believe the choice is rather obvious. Do you think inflexibility and dogmatic beliefs equal strength? If you do, then vote for Bush. Do you believe that (as the Young Adults put it), it’s a complex world, and that to navigate it successfully, one needs to accept the gray nature of reality? If so, vote for Kerry.

Do you believe that having an inquisitive and eclectic mind is a good thing, or do you think that it’s all really simple, right and wrong, black and white, the great USA vs. the "evil-doers" and their co-dependents (anyone who doesn’t side with the USA on every little thing)? Do you think that working toward international cooperation is a worthy goal, or are you satisfied that the vast majority of people in the world perceive us as bullies and new wave imperialists (why rule them politically if we’ve got them by the economic balls?)?

It’s all quite clear to P&J. Bush will try to make Kerry look like an effete snob, à la Eisenhower vs. Stevenson. Of course, compared to Bush, Ike looks like Aristotle. Can you imagine Bush ever cautioning the public about the unhealthy power of the "military-industrial complex," as Ike did in his farewell address? We don’t think so. Let’s get this clown out of here before it’s too late.

THE PASSION OF THE DUBYA

Speaking of Boy George Bush, our favorite little born-again conservative Christian, Phillipe and Jorge think it would be great if Dubya and his buddies got involved in the religious groundswell being generated by Mel Gibson’s homoerotic sadomasochistic (well, according to Frank Rich of the New York Times and others) epic, The Passion of the Christ. Think of it along the lines of "What would Jesus do?" in a kind of Hollywood sequel mode.

Knowing President Flight Suit is a real action man, we are sure he would like to roll up his sleeves and get involved. (Even if, like his appearance at the World Trade Center site, it’s a few days late, because he’s doing something important, like allowing the bin Laden family to fly safely out of the country or attending another fundraiser.) His résumé is a legend composed of fictitious reports by people under his sway. We know his good buddies — chicken hawks like Rummy and Big Time Cheney, who know that God and Jesus are always on America’s side; eye-rolling, human rights thieves, like John Ashcroft; zealots like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, who are often on their cell phones directly with the Big Sir — wouldn’t want to miss such a holy event, so let’s invite Georgie’s apostles to play, too.

All P&J ask is that our prez and his devoted pals show their true faith by carrying crosses up to Capitol Hill for crucifixion while being flayed and beaten. When it comes to those ready to justly cast aspersions, there are plenty: The firefighters and cops stiffed by Dubya on federal aid right after his post-9-11 promises; the families of soldiers killed and maimed for the misguided war in Iraq; the vets whose benefits he is cutting, and the military men he won’t let quit; parents and teachers who see his "No Child Left Behind" program for the charade that it is; the kids who will be working to pay off the federal deficit caused by Dubya’s tax cuts; and all members of minority groups and our superior friends in the gay and lesbian community. Certainly, no explanation is needed for any of these latter groups to join the passion party.

Hey, if it’s good enough for Jesus, it ought to be fine with the God-bothering lot that is the Bushies. Just one request as far as the realism goes with the Christ story line — don’t come back. Selah.

WHAT PRICE GOOD TASTE?

Your superior correspondents are not the only ones baffled by the Urinal’s decision to run the more than uncomfortable feature on the notorious local murderer Craig Price. Isn’t the current box office-leading gorefest of The Passion of the Christ enough to slake the sensationalist bloodlust on Fountain Street? Even BeloJo executive editor Joel Rawson’s lame justification for this reportage seemed contradictory, as he concluded his special column on March 7 explaining this foray into bad taste by saying, "Still no reason can justify [Price’s] crimes, and knowledge is not solace." Right on the nose, Joel. So what’s the excuse for dragging up the horror and pain of those who knew the victims?

JUST ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE

A little of the backstage patter from P&J’s little world:

. . . Here’s a freebie for the presidential campaign of what appears to be the likely Democratic pairing of John Kerry for president and his veep designee, John Edwards — the Super Ticket. This would be because, as everyone knows, the last Super Bowl, perhaps the most exciting ever played, was between Kerry’s New England Patriots and Edwards’s home state Carolina Panthers. Whooo-eeee, eh, NASCAR dads?

. . . Don’t you feel sorry for Pat DiPrete, the wife of disgraced ex-governor Ed DiPrete? She is reducing to groveling for part of the Gerber Baby’s pension, saying it is her only income and she can’t afford to live without it. That she lives in a house worth $400,000, has two cars worth $50K, and the Gerb owns more property worth $48,000 more must really be pulling at the heartstrings of the mothers stopping in at Amos House and Travelers Aid. Speaking of Moms, where’s your convicted son, Dennis, who owns a gaudy estate in Narragansett valued at almost $3 million? Some respect he’s showing for Mom, and the wife of the guy who many believe took a fall so the son could avoid jail, in a plea bargain arrangement. The Gerb spent 11 months at the state’s pleasure as a result. Would it be too much to send a canned ham — and maybe a Walt’s roast beef sandwich for the old man — at the holidays, Denny Boy? Sorry, Pat, go sell that line of hokum in another state. We’re full up here.

FUN AT HALITOSIS HALL

P&J would like to present the Senator Roman Hruska Award to House Speaker Bill Murphy, who appointed Representative Joseph Faria to the House Finance Committee. This selection for the group that writes the state budget was Murphy’s brainstorm, even though Faria has a history of mishandling his own financial affairs. Both the speaker and his right-hand man, ethics-challenged House Majority Leader Gordon Fox, alluded to how since Faria fouled his own personal funds, he’d know all about monetary mismanagement and smoke it right out. Ohhhhh-kaaay, boys, anything you say.

The Hruska Award is named for the former Republican senator from Nebraska who once defended President Richard Nixon’s doomed nomination of G. Harold Carswell to the Supreme Court. This came after Democrats accused Carswell of being intellectually unfit for the job and a run-of-the-mill by jurist, saying, "Even mediocrities need representation on the high court." Thanks, Roman. It’s good to know Little Rhody’s political leaders haven’t forgotten your words of wisdom.

KISSED BY AN ANGEL

. . . to Herb Weiss and Ben Mondor, two of the invaluable folks in the continuing comeback of Pawtucket. The Pawtucket Foundation, a catalyst for civic entrepreneurial enterprise and economic development, is honoring Herb and Ben on Thursday, April 1 at Hasbro Inc. The idea is to recognize individuals whose efforts benefit the economic and social development of Pawtucket. Individual tickets are available for a $125 contribution, and tables of 10 are still available.

As you may know, Herb is Pawtucket’s economic and cultural affairs officer, and he will receive the foundation’s Person of the Year Award. This recognizes a person who made a significant contribution to the economic and community life of Pawtucket during the previous year. Herb has been the point guy for the burgeoning arts and culture initiatives in the city, in particular the conversion of old mill spaces to living/working areas for artists.

Ben Mondor and the Pawtucket Red Sox will receive the Pawtucket Foundation’s Heritage Award, in recognition of an outstanding and long-term commitment to Pawtucket and its residents. In 1977, Mondor acquired the "Rhode Island" Red Sox, the Triple-A International League affiliate of the Boston Red Sox. The organization was bankrupt and had lost its membership in professional baseball. During the ensuing 27 years, Mr. Mondor turned what was once one of the worst minor league franchises into one of the most successful in all of baseball. McCoy Stadium has been filled to nearly 90 percent capacity for each of the last three years. In actual turnstile attendance, the PawSox rank among the highest in the entire nation. If you’ve been to a PawSox game, you know what kind of class operation Ben has put in place.

CORRECTION DEPARTMENT

Last week, we mentioned a fundraising concert for our friend, Randy Hien and botched the date. We apologize. The event for Randy is at the Living Room in Providence on Wednesday evening, March 17. We urge you go and lend a hand. Randy is recovering from a terrible accident, a process that will be long and arduous. As a mainstay of the Providence music scene for decades, he has been a great supporter of local music. We hope to see you there.

Send peanuts, Cracker Jacks, and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j@ phx.com.