Where are P&J?

Normally we can be found at the bar at the Yukon Trading Post with a Pernod and grapefruit, if it’s all the same to you, sweethearts. In this case, though, we allude to the completely over-hyped, overplayed dog-and-pony show, "Where in the World is Matt Lauer?" being foisted upon the gagging public through Today, the news-lite morning show. Although P&J pray daily to all gods that the answer will be "in a Turkish prison!" this addition to faux reality shows has infected a local network. The JARheads at Channel 10 gleefully jumped into this preposterous hokum with "Where is Gene [Valicenti]?" on their six o’clock news. (Gene, Phillipe & Jorge wouldn’t wish a Turkish prison on you, but if you keep this up, we lean heavily toward suggesting the shower room in the ACI’s maximum security facility.)

Unfortunately, the JARheads lack the budget of Today, so we don’t have to worry about Mr. Valicenti popping up in the background behind Matt on safari in Botswana or skiing in Zermatt, Switzerland. It’s a bit of a stretch to think viewers will be shocked and awed, though, to see Gino popping up on the refurbished USS Constitution in Boston Harbor, where the segment made its debut. Traveling 60 miles up I-95 to see a requisite elementary school field trip site is not exactly finding the Titanic, if you know what we mean — and dahlings, we know you do.

Since there are obvious geographic limitations to "Where is Gene?," we hope at least to be treated to a great dinner at St. Bart’s in Silver Lake (getting legless on a couple of bottles of homemade red wine); a seagull hunting adventure with handguns at the Johnston landfill; and perhaps a quest for crack outside the Chad Brown housing project.

P&J can only assume that NBC execs in New York have reached out to Channel 10’s lovely and beguiling news director, B-J Cugini, and head ramrodette Lisa Churchville, forcing this minor league version of Lauer’s vanity turn on our local viewers. And ladies, you needn’t thank us for our suggestions. Don’t hesitate to further the reach of this local Emmy candidate by having Gene do a turn with Frank Coletta in the morning from the Foxy Lady’s "Legs and Eggs" buffet.

STICKER SHOCK

When one was confronted years ago by Richard Nixon’s sweating, five o’clock shadowed, hunchbacked, suit pants pulled up to his nipples, scowling image, the line was, "Would you buy a used car from this man?" The more apt question for our current head ramrod might be, "Would you buy a used war from this man." As Boy George tries to peddle his deadly fiasco to the skeptical global village, we’ll stick to the automotive analogy.

President Dubya has presented Americans with a budget, replete with misrepresentation and faulty math, that doesn’t even pass the laugh test. (Boy George must have missed addition and subtraction while doing the flash cards with mommy.) Of course, the continued tax cuts for his rich friends are there, along with a skyrocketing deficit to feed his swinish friends at the trough, but what did you expect? (Or to quote "Big Time" Cheney, "It’s our due.")

What is most amazing is how the budget doesn’t include the cost of continuing military operations in Afghanistan and Iraq, which will doubtless run into the billions. Even the moronic majority who believe in "the Rapture" may be smart enough to see how this is a financial colonic of the first order.

Fortunately, Vo Dilun’s august senators weren’t born this morning, to wit: Jack Reed, our Little Big Man, said, "If any corporate executive were telling his board that there’s a huge contingency out there, but it is just so unpredictable we are not even going to mention it, he’d be in jail." Linc Chafee added, "We are just in some kind of Alice in Wonderland zone right now, through the looking glass." Good on ya, guys. And Linc, you’d look great with as an independent.

CAVE DWELLERS

Naturally, Phillipe and Jorge watched President Flight Suit’s appearance on Meet the Press on Sunday. We will not regale you with tales of how Blind Boy Bush came across as an out-of-touch, no-contact-with-truth-or-reality poseur, as you’ve no doubt already heard from others more qualified to detect a lack of clothing on our leader.

But we did get a bit confused at the beginning, having tuned in a few minutes late. We wondered what Junior was going to reveal when he was rattling away about this sinister person who was "hidden away," how he had assembled a "shadowy network" of evil partners in his deadly work, and routinely dealt with "rogue nations" that are the avowed enemies of the U.S. of A. And you can bet no one was more shocked when it turned out Dubya was describing Osama bin Laden. All along, we thought it was his veep and handler, Big Time Cheney, renowned for being out of sight, out of mind, with a concealed network of Big Bidness and Big Oil types who shape America’s tax and energy policies. His former employer, Halliburton, through questionable affiliate companies, did business with rogue nations. Are our faces red!

ZEN QUESTION OF THE WEEK

This brain teaser is brought to you courtesy of Dow Jones, the New York Stock Exchange, and the US Securities and Exchange Commission: Why is Martha Stewart on trial, and not Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling, late of Enron, who hurt the futures of their employees while they prospered, tucked away still in their gated communities?

It’s not, of course, because Georgie Boy Bush doesn’t want "Kenny Boy" to cause bad publicity in the midst of a reelection campaign. But is anyone in the media (forget ABC, NBC, or CBS) following why Lay and Skilling spend more time on the first tee than in the dock? Maybe they are teamed with O.J., hunting for a killer who also defrauded thousands of shareholders. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

PRIMARY NEWS

It was only a month ago when Howard Dean was appearing on the covers of all the national news magazines, and virtually every pundit in the country had awarded him the nomination. A few months before that, the common wisdom was that Bush was unbeatable, no matter who the Democrats selected.

Now that we know where to put those assumptions (hint: somewhere the sun don’t shine), your superior correspondents say, stay tuned. When people ask what we think will happen, we generally say, "Why don’t you ask us that in July?" Anything can happen, but we mostly fear an "October Surprise"-type event in which Dick Cheney slips a vial of homemade biological weaponry out of his pocket into a hole in the ground in Iraq, blurting, "Well what do we have here?" While we tend to shy away from hard and fast rules, there is one truism we cling to: Karl Rove is capable of anything.

Meanwhile, P&J have been keeping our proverbial ears to the ground and have picked up some very interesting information concerning the Democratic presidential contenders. Your superior correspondents hear from completely unreliable sources that Senator John Edwards, in a last ditch attempt to salvage his presidential candidacy, will announce that he intends to unite the party by asking Janet Jackson’s right breast to be his vice-presidential candidate. According to our source (who, at this very moment is clearing away the brunch dishes in the Boom Boom Room), the Edwards people are convinced this is a stroke of genius, because "it would make perfect sense. Demographically, Senator Edwards is from the South and Janet Jackson’s right breast is from the North (Gary, Indiana, to be exact, or perhaps Beverly Hills. We need to check.). Also, this would give the ticket a great deal of diversity. Not only is Janet’s right breast of African-American origin, but it is something that all of America is familiar with."

Meanwhile, Dennis Kucinich has decided his only chance is to stick with his base and he’s planning on appearing naked at all future campaign events. We hear that Al Sharpton, feeling that Edwards could be stealing some of his thunder by choosing Janet’s right breast, is begging sister LaToya to give him her endorsement. As for the former front-runner, rumors abound that the producers of Wheel of Fortune were so impressed by his campaign whoop in Iowa that they are fixated about asking him on board as a contestant.

PHOTO SHOP

Speaking of Rove, do we detect the fine hoof of his pink, porcine, prevaricating brains in the appearance of a photo on www.newsmax.com of John Kerry positioned behind Jane Fonda in the crowd at a 1970s anti-Vietnam war rally? Sure, by Karl’s standards it’s not as vile as showing triple-amputee and highly esteemed Vietnam vet Max Cleland morphed in with Osama bin Laden — in what may rank with the most despicable attacks ever undertaken in the political arena. This is especially true for someone like Rove and his henchmen, who, like Dubya and his chicken hawks, for the most part didn’t even serve in the military, never mind fight or get wounded. We guess we’re now supposed to associate a three-time Purple Heart and Silver and Bronze Star winner with Hanoi Jane? Lee Atwater must be clapping his hands with glee in whatever ring of Hell he currently resides in.

SHAG-RI-LA, WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?

P&J are seriously concerned about a dangerous new trend that may have a devastating impact on the body politic in Vo Dilun. As you know, the Biggest Little has long prided itself on having more toupees per office holder and government official than any other state in the union. Could we be losing that unique distinction?

On Tuesday the BeloJo reported that a be-rugged district court judge, Bob Pirraglia, would be retiring. With the fate of John "My Sharona" Celona still unclear, Jeff Pine in private practice, and the Bud-I still in stir, it’s starting to look like Vo Dilun is losing one of those things that has made us so unique.

Dear readers, you can encourage your elected officials who are starting to lose it on top to invest in a piece. It’s worth a try.

Send rugs, systems, extra hair and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.