President Flight Suit is missing

Phillipe and Jorge find it insulting and deplorable that network news lapdogs Peter Jennings, the talking hairdo, and Pillsbury Doughboy Tim Russert, who has been digested among the bowels of the Washington insider system, dare challenge General Wesley Clark over Michael Moore’s reference to President Dubya as a "deserter." This relates to President Blind Boy Bush going AWOL from the National Guard in Alabama during the Vietnam War, while General Clark and presidential primary foe John Kerry were up to their eyeballs in fighting the war. Dubya was home (possibly with a case of Heineken?), skipping his duty. Perhaps not a "deserter," per se, but he sure wasn’t in class.

Jennings and Russert may fear, if they dare suggest the president was a wartime wimp, administration honchos might not appear on their shows. Or else Karl Rove has pictures of them in less-than-flattering circumstances. (If you want to see facts that Jennings, Russert, and other mainstream media types are doing their best to avoid, go to the Daily Mislead at: http://daily.misleader.org/ctt.asp?u=1276045&l=15653. This site also offers scanned documents suggesting that Bush was grounded from flying prior to his unauthorized disappearance. Hope the veterans groups like that.)

Who is going to have the guts to confront Blind Boy on this publicly — and stay on top of it when he tries to weasel out of it — not to mention pointing out his, Big Time, and Rummy’s continuing lies about Saddam’s non-existent weapons of mass destruction? Certainly not Peter or Timmy, who may be seeking a night in the Lincoln bedroom.

Despite Blind Boy’s questionable absence, current members of the US military are said to strongly favor Bush and his administration. P&J wonder if this is so (our sense is that it is), and more importantly, why? It’s not as if the key members of the Bush Administration have any sort of actual military record. They just like to rattle their swords. Besides, Georgie Boy, Vice President Cheney didn’t spend a second in the service, nor did that master saber-rattler, Paul Wolfowitz. Plenty of congressional Republicans also managed to avoid military service — a la Bill Clinton, who, somehow, is the only one anybody wants to blame for it.

Interestingly enough, one Bushie with real military credentials is Colin Powell, the guy who, arguably, is most on the outs with the hawks. Powell (bet your bottom dollar that if Dubya is re-elected, Powell will be out on his ass in three months), has shown a far more circumspect view of the world than most, according to insider leaks. Then again, he has been outflanked by Rummy and ends up having to go along or walk.

Real military people like Powell know a little about war. They also know the truth of what President Eisenhower called the "military-industrial complex" in his farewell speech. It’s boneheads and non-veterans like Rummy, Wolfie, Dubya, Cheney, and the rest that seem to think this is the way everything is supposed to work.

Why most of those in today’s military continue to give allegiance to these liars is beyond us.

JOCKULAR

Your superior correspondents would never be caught dead watching women’s basketball. As we are sure you agree, girls are meant to be decked out in spiked heels, rhinestone dresses that end two feet above their knees, push-up bras, enough makeup to cover the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, and hairdos that would make a Arthur Angelo School of Beauty grad whinny with delight.

Oh, sorry, we didn’t mean real girls — rather, female impersonators. Boy, can they ever put on the dog. But it’s essentially the same thing, only different.

At any rate, we will certainly forgo our usual preferences to tune in the next time the Duke women’s basketball team, ranked No. 1 in the country, pops up on TV. That’s because of two rather special players on the roster, Mistie Bass and Iciss Tillis. Normally, their names alone would qualify them for special attention, but there’s more than meets the casual eye. Mistie’s father is a guy named Ernest Evans. Those of you of a certain age — such as P&J — might know him better as Chubby Checker, creator of "the Twist." He’s probably going to need a couple of plastic hips soon, but he’s not forgotten, as evidenced when he appeared at a Duke-UConn game in Hartford, attracting a standing ovation.

Not to accuse Duke of celebrity recruiting in sports the way that Brown does with sons and daughters of celebrities and Euro-trash, but Iciss Tillis is the offspring of former heavyweight boxer Quick Tillis, the first man to go the distance with Mike Tyson, and he went for the heavyweight belt with Mike Weaver. We’re sure Mistie has some nice spin moves in the low post, and we imagine Iciss is no one to trifle with on the boards.

Girlyman note: In an article on Austrian ubermensch super skier Hermann Maier in the January 26 edition of the New Yorker, there is an interesting bit about "The Herminator," as he has been dubbed in honor of his fellow countryman, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. It seems the two met in 2000 in Vail, and challenged each other to an arm-wrestling match. Unfortunately for his reputation, Governor Schickelgruber lost to a mere skier. Probably the reason he went out and bought a Hummer. Get the Levitra out, Maria.

ANNALS OF TED WIDMER

P&J are always thrilled to see stories about the exploits of friends and former colleagues. Someone who qualifies as both, Ted Widmer, former Phoenix columnist ("Ye Olde Rhode Island Almanack") and standout Providence hipster, is a case in point. Ted pens the occasional review in the New York Times Book Review, but recently showed up in an item in the New Yorker’s "Talk of the Town" section.

It seems that our man Ted, whose regular gig is as director of the C.V. Starr Center for the Study of the American Experience at Washington College, is featured in the pages of the current (January/February) issue of Washington Monthly. Notice how Ted always appears in publications with a bit of cultural cachet as opposed to, say, Ladies’ Home Journal, Reader’s Digest, or Hustler.

The reason for Ted’s cameo in Washington Monthly is a story by Mark Katz, who worked as a humor speechwriter for President Clinton. Seems that, in an attempt to inject some humor into a Clintonian presentation, Katz and his writing partner at the time, Jeff Shesol, wrote a long fantasy sequence involving an imaginary foreign state they called "Karjakistan."

Ted, who has done quite a bit of comedy writing of his own, was then writing speeches for Clinton on international themes and topics. He told the guys that he loved the concept, but that it might be wise to run it by Sandy Berger at the National Security Council to avoid incurring the anger of any other state (like, say, one of the former Soviet republics that tend to use "-istan" at the end of their names). Of course something like this wouldn’t be a problem in the Bush Administration, since they don’t give a shit about offending anyone else in the world, because, hey, we rule!

Anyway, we suggest that you read the whole article to get the rest of the story, although we will tell you that the joke writers did change the name of the country to "Karjakador," perhaps avoiding an international incident. Also, by searching out and purchasing Washington Monthly you’re doing a good deed (like buying the Nation), helping to support one of the best left-slanting publications in the country.

CRIMEWATCH

Imagine you or any of us was suspected of questionable dealing in Iraq — as is the case with Big Time Cheney’s former company Halliburton (which has promised to repay the Pentagon for $6.3 million in possible kickbacks). You could say, "Aw, shucks, sorry, we’ll pay you back." We would be allowed to walk away and bid on another new contract. No criminal penalty, no censure, no ban on future bidding — just, "Gosh, everyone makes a mistake now and then" from the Bushies.

Yeah, that’s just how the criminal justice system would treat you or I. (As Richard Pryor once said about the inordinate number of black males in America’s prisons, often for minor crimes, "They talk about justice. But that’s who’s in here. Just us.") Never mind that in addition, Halliburton subsidiary KBR and Halliburton are already under scrutiny for their work in Iraq, or that 60 Minutes on Sunday, January 25 did an astonishing expose of how Halliburton and its subsidiaries are doing mucho business with rogue nations — supposedly illegal under US law – while on Cheney’s watch. Again, just a case of "Big Bidness boys will be boys."

Funny — we guess it’s just us — but we’re troubled when we think of US corporations illegally profiteering from an unjustified war that has killed hundreds of young Americans and maimed hundreds more. But we guess this kind of profit is just a misdemeanor in the Bush White House.

KUDOS AND CONGRATS . . .

. . . to Governor Don Carcieri, for his suggestion to form an independent panel, including many non-Vo Dilunduhs, to investigate the "culture of corruption" in Little Rhody’s government. But might P&J make a teeny-weeny suggestion to The Don? How about expanding the commission’s mission to include a look at possible corporate corruption? Wheee, sounds like fun!

. . . to Captain Kangaroo, if it is possible to congratulate someone upon their death. No, the kudos are for the many years of entertainment he gave the Baby Boomers, Phillipe and Jorge included, as well as their spoiled-rotten offspring. A former Marine, famous for also portraying Clarabell the Clown on the equally legendary Howdy Doody Show, Bob Keeshan actually talked to children like they had brains, and spoke of how he hoped to develop their innate taste, something modern TV gave up on long ago.

Captain K. versus Barney? The Captain by TKO in round one. We will always remember Captain Kangaroo for having to settle for covering the Hudson’s Parade in Detroit on Thanksgiving Day, far less glamorous or entertaining than the Macy’s Parade in New York, or watching the mummers strut to "Oh, Them Golden Slippers" in Philadelphia. But those were the days when at least you had a guarantee of the Detroit Lions and Green Bay Packers following it up by staging a muddy battle royal in their traditional NFL game in the afternoon. And who ever knew Mr. Green Jeans real middle name was "Lumpy," and that he used to play string bass in the Fred Waring Orchestra? That’s what a good obit in the Irish sports pages is for. See ya, Captain. Thanks for the memories.

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