So long, Bill

Surr-prize, surr-prize, as Gomer Pyle used to say (and Gomer certainly has all the charm and savoir faire one would expect from a Democratic member of the General Assembly from South County). Senate president Bill Irons decided to clean out his locker and break camp, rather than maintain his political clout. It was the right thing to do. Like far too many folks in Halitosis Hall, he’s got business interests that seem to overlap with his elective duties. This has been going on forever, of course, but perhaps Irons’s resignation, Celona’s "Oops, I did it again" moment, and the revelations sure to come about the business relationships of other legislators will finally open things up.

If we’re going to have a General Assembly that is accountable to the public, it can’t be under the current conditions. Some feel that this means we need to scrap the part-time, non-professional legislature, and, truth be told, they’re probably right. The citizen-legislator idea may have been a great and noble concept at one time, but it just doesn’t play in today’s market-whipped world. Unless, of course, you think it’s just fine for all of our representatives to be trust-fund babies or your garden variety millionaire. (If you think we’re wrong about this, please explain, how can a regular working person dutifully serve in the General Assembly without losing their job?)

So, perhaps Bill Irons has done us a big favor by exposing where the system breaks down. We suspect, however, that there will be no seismic changes to the way it all works. The voters are too asleep, the legislators too vested in the system, and we will continue to go from scandal to scandal, crisis to crisis, while wringing our hands, and making believe that things would balance if we voted for a lot of Republicans. Sorry, that won’t work, either. Time to take a good, hard look at where we are. Likely to happen? Are you shitting us?

HELLO, JOE

It looks like it will be a smooth leadership transition in the state Senate, from the recently departed Bill "Napoleon" Irons to his successor, Joe Montalbano. Everyone seems happy (in the Senate, anyway. The general public is another matter altogether), and the fact that Montalbano has the respect of well-regarded solons like Teresa Paiva-Weed, Maryellen Goodwin, and J. Michael Lenihan speaks well of him. But of course, we’ve seen this scenario too many times for it to be fully convincing to your superior correspondents.

Montalbano could make a powerful impression by talking a bit about that one bugaboo that has bedeviled the legislature for decades. That is, does anybody up there understand what a "conflict of interest" is? The departing Bill Irons, as intelligent and talented as anyone who has ever served in the legislature, apparently didn’t. Certainly, "My Sharona" Celona doesn’t have a clue, and even a guy like Gordon Fox, over in the House, someone who has been a real champion for any number of progressive causes, seems challenged when it comes to the question of a possible conflict.

Is it just that they have been too long at the fair? Who knows? Is moving to a full-time professional legislature the only solution? It’s certainly a fair question.

Meanwhile, the matter of who will be number two, since Joe M. seems to have all his ducks aligned, is the big question. West Warwick homeboy Stephen Alves is getting particular attention. As the Other Paper reported earlier this week, a Superior Court judge in 2002 threw out part of his suit against two men, calling it "Strategic Litigation Against Public Participation" — "under state law," as the ProJo put it, "an illegal attempt to silence critics."

But seriously, folks, there are those in the Senate who have the temperament, intelligence, and talent to do a fine job, and while the aforementioned Mr. Lenihan (one of the all-time class acts in state government) doesn’t seem interested, Ms. Paiva-Weed has shown some curiosity. She’s A1, as is Cranston’s Elizabeth Roberts, and Ms. Goodwin ain’t chopped liver, either. Could the Democrats find it in their heart of hearts to elevate a woman to a top post? We would hope so.

Give it about a week, and we’ll see who the top in-fighter is. In the meantime, don’t be shy about calling your senator to express your view about who should get the post. P&J have a secret desire in all this. We would really like to see the Senate’s senior member, Jack McBurney of Pawtucket, a guy who has been a classic insider politician for years, step up and push an independent, progressive voice for majority leader. If he does, it probably won’t become public knowledge, but "Cadillac Jack" has big juice, and despite his insider reputation, a big heart. We believe that he truly cares about state government, and your superior correspondents beseech him to throw his considerable weight behind a class candidate.

EXPOSURE

An old friend of Phillipe & Jorge’s, Patrick Sky, noted folksinger from the ’60s, maker of Uilleann pipes, and all-around master raconteur, once told us about a gig that someone tried to sign him up for years ago. He said the promoter told him there wasn’t much money, but that if he played the show, he’d "get a lot of exposure." Patrick retorted, "I don’t need any ‘exposure.’ That’s what you get when you stay outdoors too long."

Well, it’s starting to seem like "exposure" has become rampant. How else can one explain the way in which Michael Jackson has been dealing with the charges of child abuse? We have no idea whether the accusations are true (although Jackson seems all too willing to play to type on TV). We do know that only an egomaniac addicted to exposure could conceive what seems to be his emerging "legal strategy."

Rather than lie low, Jackson has continued to put himself front and center by appearing on 60 Minutes, claiming it’s absolutely reasonable for a man in his mid-40s to engage in marathon pajama parties with prepubescent humans. There are certainly many ways for adults who love children to behave, but the sleepover ethic is just too, too, Jacko.

The serial plastic surgery, the home amusement park, and bad Sgt. Pepper outfits raise little red flags among the reasonably well adjusted. But Michael is in the business of flaunting this stuff. It seems to your superior correspondents that our boy Jacko badly needs to live out his life in public.

And now we have the new Michael Jackson, Britney Spears. She also seems unable to live without a camera in her face or reporters on her trail. The moronic 24-hour marriage in Vegas with her hometown pal is a classic example of this. She was apparently out to break the Dennis Hopper-Michelle Phillips world record (although they, at least, had the excuse that they were most definitely on drugs).

No, Britney was not likely on your standard-issue drugs. Her drug of choice is the same as Jackson’s, and it’s far more lethal than what Rush Limbaugh was doing for breakfast. She needs to be in the newspaper or on every tabloid TV show at least twice a week, or in her mind, she’ll be "slipping." This is sad, sad, sad. That so many in the pre-teen set idolize these pathetic publicity junkies is really the only reason for alarm. We do, however, like the statement, made by someone from Spears’s record company, noting, "She just took the joke too far." Indeed, we all have.

NOT SO BRIGHT NIGHT

Unfortunately, we don’t always get to see all the various bureau reports in the Other Paper. However, several editions of Tuesday, January 6 did carry a classic "Nought Providence" story about how that town’s director of public works celebrated on New Year’s Eve (perhaps even more delightful was the story’s placement next to Elizabeth Gudrais’s excellent feature on a century-old pork pie operation in Lincoln). Apparently, DPW director Vincent Guglietti put on the big face to ring in 2004, and was subsequently arrested and charged with domestic vandalism.

Seems that going downtown to check out the Big Nazo puppets wasn’t on the agenda. According to the Urinal’s account of Mr. Guglietti’s activities that evening, he started a bit early. Police were called to his residence at around 6 p.m. by his wife, who met officers outside the door of their home. When the police entered the residence, they noticed that "the kitchen table and chairs had been thrown into the living room and there was a broken bottle in the kitchen." When police asked Mr. Guglietti if the "kitchen area usually has a broken bottle in the middle of the floor," he responded yes, that was so.

This was perhaps inspired by Cranston Mayor Laffey’s concept of a Christmas display. The police, though, made the determination that this might not fit the bill, and decided to arrest Guglietti. According to the OP, the public works director allegedly "swore at the officers," pushing one of the policemen and then attempted to strike him. Another officer produced a "stun gun" and proceeded to employ it. Mr. Guglietti was placed in custody and transported to the police station.

The upshot? The director was "out sick" on Monday, and declined comment when reached by the Urinal. Mayor Mollis of Nought Providence believes this was an isolated and unfortunate incident, and he has requested that his DPW honcho seek domestic counseling. "We feel that he is attempting to put this behind him and take corrective action. As a result, we felt dismissal wasn’t necessary," explained Mayor Mollis.

Just another tale from Nought Providence, home of the brave, land of the free.

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