Burger Queen

Nice reports about Dubya’s visit to Buck House last week. Our prez was kept in a public-free cocoon, allowing him to be spared the sight of his effigy burned, another toppled a la the Baghdad pulling down of the statue of Saddam Hussein, and 100,000 protesters in the streets. No doubt, his aides were there to filter the news as always. (Georgie, despite it being a foreign country, the operative language was still English, if you wanted to give the papers a crack. We would have helped you with the big words.)

One gaffe not making the front page was how Dubya brought over five of his chefs for his stay with Queen Liz. The famed queenly response in such circumstances is, "We are not amused." Lilibet was reported to have greeted this information (and the corresponding insult to her own chefs) with stony silence, signs that she was far from amused, and maybe even royally pissed off. Boy, Georgie really knows how to make people like him and America, doesn’t he?

P&J are beginning to see quite a bit of similarity between Dubya and another headline-grabber last week: Michael Jackson, accused child molester and most bizarre person on earth. Cut off from the real world, both live in a fantasyland where they do whatever they want, whether it harms others or not, fearing no repercussions. What a lovely couple.

LOVE LETTER OF THE WEEK

The following mash note (or should that be M.A.S.H. note?) was sent by famed British playwright Harold Pinter to the English newspaper the Guardian, which asked 60 people to pen an open letter to president Boy George Bush for review during his visit to London.

Pinter, who, in addition to being a Companion of Literature — an honor bestowed by Queen Lilibet — is also known for railing against Tony Blair, prime minister and Bush poodle, and injustice everywhere. He sent the Guardian this message to our insulated and isolated leader:

"Dear President Bush,

"I’m sure you’ll be having a nice little tea party with your fellow war criminal, Tony Blair. Please wash the cucumber sandwiches down with a glass of blood, with my compliments. — Harold Pinter, playwright."

Wonder if Condee, Karl, and Rummy read him that one?

OLD DOGS, NEW TRICKS

It is apt that prostitution is called the world’s oldest profession, because the leaders of the AARP, generally seen as advocates for older Americans, have just totally whored themselves out on the GOP Medicare bill. This has led Democratic members of the House of Representatives to cancel their AARP memberships. Phillipe and Jorge would urge anyone who is a member or even thinking of joining (and yes, although not retired, your superior correspondents are sadly eligible to roll up with this bunch), to burn your card and any future AARP solicitation.

As the Democratic Party listserv has noted, even the conservative clowns at the Wall Street Journal freely acknowledge what this bill represents. In the November 17 edition, they wrote, "As crafted, the deal represents a big win for the drug industry: It is almost certain to increase prescription-drug use with taxpayers picking up some of the tab. The health insurance and managed-care industry also gain because the legislation calls for billions of dollars in new subsidies to shore up the HMOs already in Medicare. It also provides funds to entice new types of plans, such as PPOs, to enter the Medicare market."

The GOP prescription drug plan will essentially exempt the pharmaceutical industry from price cost controls. As the New York Times explained months ago, "If you’re serious about cost containment, you don’t block Medicare from using its enormous purchasing power to bring prices down." It also bars re-importation of drugs from Canada or the European Union, which sell them cheaper than your local pharmacy chain. Nothing like a robbing a few hundred thousand old folks, eh Mr. Bush?

Why did the AARP turn its back on its constituents? Because it has become an insurance company, run by corporate types who see the financial advantages that this bill offers to that industry. Screw the old gaffers who will take it in the teeth when insurers and HMOs get the green light to cherry-pick their customers. AARP executive director William D. Novelli wants to see that Mercedes in the driveway. The AARP’s recent national TV ad cynically appeals to a population already facing enough financial problems brought on by young Georgie Dubya and the GOP. Sorry, Mr. Novelli, old people ain’t that stupid.

Fortunately, senators like our own Little Big Man, Jack Reed, planned to vote against the bill when it comes up in their chamber. Regardless of how many focus groups former PR guy Novelli lined up, senior citizens, when they realize the full impact of this sham, will remember similar moves in the future. We hope you make your blood money fast, Mr. Bill, because they’ll turn you out on the streets as well.

SAME-SEX MARRIAGE WATCH

With the Massachusetts high court decision last week in favor of gay marriage, media pundits are breathlessly predicting a major backlash. Your superior correspondents, longtime culture warriors ourselves, suggest that the "backlash," as it were, will be far more muted and short-lived than predicted.

Yes, there will be denunciations from the usual suspects (Falwell, Robertson, and any organization with the misleading phrase "Family Values" in its propaganda), but gay marriage will happen. We believe it is going to happen more rapidly than the long fight to include sexual orientation in the State of Vo Dilun’s own civil rights laws. One reason is the various battles over the past 20 years or so. There has been a snowballing effect. The greater visibility of lesbigay folks has led to more and more people coming out, which has led more and more heteros to realize that "the gays" encompass their family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers. In other words, they are us, and we are them.

This is how the civil rights movement of the ’50s and ’60s progressed (albeit on a larger, more violent, and dramatic canvas). First, there had to be some recognition by the white majority of the blatant discrimination and injustice faced by black Americans. Everyone saw that many whites in power were willing to resort to terrorism and murder to maintain control of a separate and unequal society. Most white Americans — who had managed to avoid thinking about the issue of race — were sickened.

The current circumstances seem similar in some ways. After many years of struggle, the message has been sent that gays will not settle for second-class citizenship, and people have had time to think about it. Indeed, there will be some backlash. But it will subside when opponents realize that the "the traditional family unit" (whatever that is) or heterosexual unions will not be adversely affected. Maybe life will even become more fair and just for everyone. Wouldn’t that be nice?

KERRY DOES A HANDSTAND

Even though the presidential campaign of John "He Looks French" Kerry’s is publicly imploding, much was made of his appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, in which the candidate came riding down the aisle on a Harley-Davidson before taking his hog right up on stage. Gunny, a friend of your superior correspondents and no stranger to big bikes, spotted Kerry using his hand, however, to put down the kickstand when he arrived at the guest seat.

That’s sweet, senator, but why do you think they call it a KICKstand? Any biker worth his leathers would have used the heel of his boot to bring it down, but maybe Johnny learned to do it by hand because he was worried about scuffing his Weejuns.

Oops! We’re fired!

STILL NO ANSWERS

The 40th anniversary of the assassination of President John F. Kennedy was Saturday, November 22. While P&J are not exactly conspiracy theorists on the subject, we found the front page Associated Press story in Saturday’s BeloJo to be "fair and balanced" in the Fox News sense of the phrase — in other words, completely slanted.

The article pointed out how most Americans believe that Oswald did not act alone. It brought up the famous "magic bullet" theory (that one bullet struck President Kennedy, zigzagged to hit Texas governor John Connolly, and exited Connolly in pristine condition), and noted that current forensic science finds this a plausible explanation. It then explained that some "historians, forensic experts, and conspiracy theorists do not buy it."

The story quotes James Fetzer, a conspiracy theorist who has implicated the Secret Service, the doctors who performed the autopsy, the FBI, and vice president Johnson, to represent the naysayers. It also noted former New Orleans District Attorney Jim Garrison’s ill-fated excursion into the assassination. By highlighting such fringe theorists, the AP article comes down squarely on the side of the "lone assassin."

P&J don’t know if it was a conspiracy or if Oswald acted alone. We do know, however, that the Warren Report was never an open inquiry and its conclusions were predetermined. There are too many unanswered questions about the murky world of Oswald in the final year of his life. What happened 40 years ago in Dallas remains (and, we suspect, will always remain) a mystery. The official version is as laughable as the Oliver Stone version.

KUDOS AND CONGRATS . . .

. . . to El Presidente Dubya, who has released his first 2004 presidential campaign television campaign ad (paid for by the Republican National Committee) in Iowa. You will not be surprised to learn that it’s an FDR reverso spot — i.e., we have everything to fear, including fear itself. The commercial features an excerpt from the State of the Union speech in which Georgie Boy says, "It would take one vial, one canister, one crate slipped into this country to bring a day of horror like none we have ever known." Words like "terrorist" and "self-defense" flash across the screen in blood red. Nice work, gang. May we suggest a slogan for ’04?: "Fright for Might."

. . . to Vo Dilun Governor Don Carcieri for his inspiring and well-publicized comments at the recent Republican Governors Convention in Florida. The Don took on President Dubya (you know he’s a Republican, too, right, guv?), saying, "The case [justifying the Iraq invasion] has to be made much more articulately, much more aggressively, because we’re at risk that this was a fabrication, this whole Iraq issue was a fabrication. The issue for Bush is trust." According to the Times, "Carcieri’s concerns about the Bush message drew widespread support from the panel." Well, Don, the problem is not just that the whole conflict is indeed a patent fabrication, but the aggression is now surfacing in distorted and ill-spirited ways (see above item). Still, way to make us look good, governor, for not being afraid to speak truth to power.

. . . to our old pal Bob Kerr, ace Urinal columnist, for his wonderful bait-and-switch with the surprising BeloJo front page photo of two men kissing after gay marriage was backed in Massachusetts, and the earlier photo of Bill Parcells and Bill Belichick hugging and getting within tongues’ length of each other (reproduced with comment in this space last week). In a related note, we understand that a Belo Corporation honcho was in town after the provocative front page shot ran, and we’d love to hear his reaction while meeting with Urinal publisher Howard Sutton and the management team. Got a flea in your ear, Howie?

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