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Should anyone familiar with politics in Vo Dilun be surprised at the indictment of the CEOs of Lincoln Park and its parent company? Phillipe and Jorge aren’t quite sure where dog track owners fall in Darwin’s theory of evolution, but we reckon it’s miles before old homo sapiens reared up on their hind legs and tottered about.

What everyone ponders now is the dropping of the other shoe. Let’s see if Danny McKinnon and the disgraceful ex-speaker of the House, Johnny Hardwood, end up in the dock. Does it get any better than this? Gutless Mr. Hardwood is already frantically sawing away at the mountaineer’s rope attaching him to his law partner, more than delighted to see him plummet off the mountain on his own. You’re a real stand-up guy, Johnny. (And how pissed off are Narragansett chief sachem Matthew Thomas and his brethren right now? This ought to help the smoke-shop prosecution go real well for the state.)

Ah, let’s go for the royal flush on this one, and let Magistrate Patty Harwood hear the case, eh, boys and girls? You are now entering the Ocean State.

WHILE YOU'RE UP, GET ME A GRANT

So as Little Rhody sinks further into the position of chicanery that has plagued the state for decades, it seems that whenever someone turns over another rock on Smith Hill, we see the wee slimy beasties that scatter into their holes.

In this case, the expose came courtesy of ace State House reporter Kathy " Faster, Pussycat, Kill, Kill " Gregg in the Urinal on September 5. She reported that the Halitosis Hall leadership ladled out nearly $2 million in state grants, some of it actually promised by ex-speaker Johnny Hardwood. The grant process is effectively screened from the general public and is essentially used for patronage for friends of the House and Senate leadership.

This is yet another disgrace for Rhode Island politics, and the blame lands squarely at the feet of House Speaker Bill Murphy and Senate President Bill " Little Napoleon " Irons, who, with a sweep of the hand, could easily make this public information . . . wait for it . . . available to the public! What a concept!

Nice work by Ms. Gregg and the folks at Common Cause. Political shenanigans: It ain’t over ’til it’s over. Thanks, Yogi.

PLAYED LIKE A BAD VIOLIN

Karl Rove has employed professional design and TV people to create photo-friendly backdrops for President Boy George — Mount Rushmore, " Mission Accomplished " banner, and idiotic " theme " wallpaper, for example. But what most bothers Phillipe and Jorge is how readily news editors and news directors for print and TV lap up this BS (Bush shit). Knowing that they’re being hand-fed these contrived shots — while their cameramen are penned into a holding area that provides only one angle from which to shoot Dubya — hasn’t stopped any of them from licking Rove’s hand in gratitude and prominently displaying the images. Even when Dubya looks like a chimpanzee on Xanax, as he did in his September 7 televised address to the nation, they manage to find one shot that purports to show his gravitas.

It is no wonder that the American media are seen as the Bush administration’s lap dogs, while their British counterparts are going for Tony Blair’s throat because of his equally abhorrent lies about why we invaded Iraq. Our own newsreaders and arse-lickin’ reporters buy these prevarications at face value from an administration that seems incapable of telling the truth. For once, we’d like to see the cameras trained on the protesters and glimpse a few of Georgie’s well-deserved middle-digit salutes, instead of an unpaid-for political commercial constructed by the Bushies.

PULLED OFF

Although you probably wouldn’t notice unless you take both the Sunday Urinal and the Boston Sunday Globe, our sweet, shy, and easily embarrassed powers that be on Fountain Street punted a Doonesbury strip containing the recent finding that men who frequently ejaculate are less likely to develop prostate cancer. The OP went with an alternate Doonesbury, while the Globe chose the news-you-can-use version.

As recounted in the Sacramento Bee, most papers around the US didn’t run the saucier strip, in which, " Cartoonist Garry Trudeau has three of his characters — the Rev. Sloan, Boopsie and Zonker — discussing the study. Their dialogue goes on to set up a play on words for the punch line. "

Needless to say, the topic of masturbation is forbidden in the BeloJo’s pages, since no one ever indulges in it (but boy, are there a lot of people wearing glasses in the the Other Paper’s newsroom). Regardless, we don’t believe it’s the right of the paper’s owners to jerk around their readers, such as Rosie Palm and her five daughters, simply sticking to hard news, such as NASA’s growing plan to polish its rockets, thereby avoiding the vibrations that cause foam to spurt off. P&J intend to hold our own in defense of the freedom of speech obviously denied to Mr. Trudeau.

A MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE

As Rhode Island mourns the recent deaths of three of our courageous soldiers in Iraq, we hope that those who care about how our sons and daughters in the desert remember the words of President Bush’s elitist snob mother. She offered this brilliant thought two days before we invaded Iraq, before her son went into hiding under his beds in Crawford and on Pennsylvania Avenue, hissing " Bring ’em on " : " Why should we hear about body bags and deaths and how many — what day it’s gonna happen? It’s not relevant. So why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that? "

Compassionate conservatives, indeed. Bring them home.

A 9/11 BEDTIME STORY

P&J need not embellish the story reported by the New York Times’ Eric Lichtblau on September 4, as we excruciate over remembrances of September 11. George W. (as in " Wuss " ) Bush continues to mislead the country about our blatant vulnerability to terrorist attacks, thanks to unfunded security programs. So this ought to make your day:

WASHINGTON, Sept. 3 — Top White House officials personally approved the evacuation of dozens of influential Saudis, including relatives of Osama bin Laden, from the United States in the days after the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks when most flights were still grounded, a former White House adviser said today.

The adviser, Richard Clarke, who ran the White House crisis team after the attacks but has since left the Bush administration, said he agreed to the extraordinary plan because the Federal Bureau of Investigation assured him that the departing Saudis were not linked to terrorism. The White House feared that the Saudis could face " retribution " for the hijackings if they remained in the United States, Mr. Clarke said.

The fact that relatives of Mr. bin Laden and other Saudis had been rushed out of the country became public soon after the Sept. 11 attacks. But questions have lingered about the circumstances of their departure, and Mr. Clarke’s statements provided the first acknowledgment that the White House had any direct involvement in the plan and that senior administration officials personally signed off on it.

Good idea. Protect the Saudis — and Osama’s relatives — while lower Manhattan burns and a nation cries. Thanks, Dubya. Sleep tight, Founding Fathers.

ACCIDENTALLY LIKE A MARTYR

Adios to Warren Zevon who, fortunately, was able to release his last album, The Wind, before succumbing to lung cancer. Zevon put on one of the most memorable live shows ever seen by P&J, back at Lupo’s in the 1980s, and his influence informs many current performers. And his hair was perfect.

QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT PRESIDENT

Move over, Ted Turner. It’s time to start colorizing currency, not just movies.

Your superior correspondents and our designer friends are deliriously happy that the creaky old US government has decided to add splashes of color to the new $20 bill. Peach, yellow (saffron?), and blue (cornflower?) will be dappled on the double sawbuck, making it a delight to spend in Giorgio Armani, Tiffany’s, and the like.

We aren’t sure if the Federal Reserve has adopted any of the ideas sent by P&J about tarting up the drawing of Andrew Jackson, but we certainly hope so. Andy already had the wild, wonderful, and white Big Hair working for him, so no need to change that windswept bouffant. A bit of rouge highlighting his cheeks, some light mascara around the eyes, and delicate shading on the eyelids would certainly make people sit up and take notice of Old Hickory when they slide that $20 across the bar for their Cosmopolitan.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

The recent dust-up at the Alabama Supreme Court, involving the chief justice’s insistence that the Ten Commandments are the bulwark of Western law, got your superior correspondents thinking. While we don’t have any quarrel with the wisdom of the commandments, the argument that they are essential to American jurisprudence is wildly overstated.

Let’s just take a look at the actual commandments. No. 1 is that there is one God and there shall be no other Gods but me. Does that have any application in national law? No. No. 2 has to do with taking the " Lord thy God’s name in vain. " Know any place in the US where saying, " God damn it, " gets you locked up in the clinker? We didn’t think so. Numero tres is " keeping holy the Sabbath day. " Wal-Mart, Circuit City, and Home Depot, we commit you to eternal damnation, but so far, you’re still able to do bidness on the weekends. No. 4 is " honor thy father and mother. " Yeah, right. Great advice, but not something actionable in any state in the union.

Now we get a little meat because No. 5 is " thou shalt not kill " (unless, of course, you are the state). This one’s got real legs and gravitas yesterday, today, and tomorrow. No. 6 says you shouldn’t commit adultery. Point well taken, but not exactly a serious crime hereabouts. Next is " thou shalt not steal " and this one makes it on the books. No. 8 has to do with " bearing false witness against one’s neighbor. " When under oath, this is called perjury, but when not . . . hey, who’s counting?

Nine advises against coveting thy neighbor’s wife. Kinda sexist, don’t you think? Plus, it’s not really on the books, so fuhgeddaboutit. And finally there’s the commandment that has to do with coveting thy neighbor’s house, ass, possessions, the whole thing. Are you kidding? Committing this cardinal sin is the essence of what free market-capitalist America is about. Does any real freedom-loving American really believe this is a serious sin?

There you have it. It boils down to about 2-1/2 out of 10 and that’s a pretty poor batting average, even in the post-Ted Williams era.

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