Slither

Phillipe and Jorge absolutely love the new commercials for Roger Williams Park Zoo, don’t you? But our friends at the zoo better be careful, because the traveling reptile show coming to Newport this weekend is bound to attract thousands (of dollars).

Yes, we’re talking about the showcasing of one of the most hideous, frightening belly-crawling serpents on Earth, the creature known as the Bigtimewhitesnake, or Dickus Cheneyis, as it is referred to in the herpetological world. Considered one of the most venomous and dangerous snakes, Bigtime’s distinctive tongue flicks out of the side of its mouth when he hisses, with cold, squinty eyes glaring at anyone who provokes it. Well-known for its trait of lying, even on its stomach at times, the Bigtimewhitesnake is rarely seen in public. It’s usually hidden away in a secure location, venturing forth only to pass distorted intelligence to vulnerable officials at the CIA, cash a payoff check from Halliburton, or enjoy the spotlight at a public event, where thousands of admirers, known as " GOP " in serpent circles, will pay thousands to see the beast slither and expose its fangs.

The Bigtimewhitesnake will be on display at The Reptile House on Bellevue Avenue in Newport, also the home of the doyenne of local Republican circles, Eileen " Jurassic Spice " Slocum — who has a long history of snake-handling.

However, the Newport tour stop is a small-time appearance. In bigger cities, especially in the South and West, the Bigtimewhitesnake is often displayed with another dangerous, slimy creature, the Dubyabushmaster, or Ignoramus Flagrantus. While rather torpid at most times — especially in summer, when it does very little — the Dubyabushmaster is known for making threatening noises and putting on fierce displays while in its glass reptile house. But when actually confronted to fight in the wild, it’s known to turn bright yellow, and quickly slither away until the potential for real battle is over. When put together, the Bigtimewhitesnake is obviously the dominant creature, although it allows the Dubyabushmaster to attract public attention by displaying its red, white, and blue coloring. This tandem act, however bizarre, scary, and distasteful, nonetheless draws huge crowds at exorbitant ticket fees, and brings in hundreds of corporate sponsors.

The Reptile House. Be there or beware.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME

Ray Charles made a great recording in the early 1960s of a song called, " You Don’t Know Me. " We won’t quote the lyrics here, mainly because it wouldn’t do justice to the multi-layered meaning of the song. Suffice to say, that in the masterful hands of Mr. Charles, what purports to be a love song also resonates powerfully in the context of the civil rights struggle that was blazing at the time of the recording’s release. You have to hear it to truly understand.

One person who should hear it is Governor Carcieri. " You don’t know me, " has been The Don’s response to the myriad minority and civil rights organizations who have criticized what they perceive as his insensitivity to minorities. Specifically, they point to the governor’s failure to appoint Superior Court Judge Rogeriee Thompson to the Supreme Court, his handling of the Narragansett smoke shop incident, his lukewarm response to reports of racial profiling by local law enforcement agencies, and other, less dramatic examples.

From P&J’s perspective, some of this probably comes from Carcieri’s belief that the state should be run like a business. Wrong! The state should be run like a family, for that is far closer to the mission of a state than a business. The bottom line concerns of businesses too frequently clash with the concerns and priorities of a family. That’s why the state can be so completely hypocritical about its gambling interests (since they produce big revenue results) without even trying to understand the Narragansetts’ perspective.

The Governor seems not to know too many folks who have suffered unjustly because of the color of their skin or their accents. Certainly, he knows many black and Latino folks, but these are predominantly people who have succeeded in White World. Unfortunately, in the Biggest Little as elsewhere, these success stories are dwarfed by the many who are still struggling.

Because there is still such a wide gulf between the vast majority of minority group members and the white majority, it behooves the governor to lead and speak out forcefully. To the Civil Rights Roundtable and others, he doesn’t appear to be doing this. There’s also a huge gap between the " haves " and " have-nots " in this state and country, but we’ve yet to hear any local elected officials (save, on occasion, Patrick Kennedy) talk about this with any passion. We urge the governor to listen closely and seriously to what the advocates have to say, and to stop pooh-poohing their serious concerns.

REALITY SUCKS

Your superior correspondents aren’t ones to miss the bandwagon, so we’re ready to hop onto that reality TV vehicle right now. Our idea is for a new real-life (honk!) TV show called You CAN Pick Your Parents, in which parents give their 16-year-old permission to choose a new set of parents, drawn from a pool of willing volunteer-but-lavishly-reimbursed couples (hetero, please, we’re Americans). The surrogates live with the kid until they turn 18. At the end, the audience votes on which of the two sets of parents did the worse job in raising the child, inflicting the most psychological damage and failing to instill values, manners, taste, and a sense of decency. The topper? That couple has to pay for four years college tuition! Wowzah!

Don’tcha just love it? Remember, you heard it here first.

BLEACH IT LIKE BECKHAM

We spent the past rainy Sunday watching our favorite metrosexual athlete, David " Becks " Beckham, make his debut for Spanish superstars Real Madrid in their first meaningful match, against Valencia in the Orange Cup. (Get it?) Unfortunately, for Posh Spice’s husband, Becks was showered with abuse every time he touched the ball, got a caution for rough play, and was substituted three-quarters of the way through, leaving the English national team captain with quite the sour look on the bench.

Still, the bleached topknot looked in fine form, and we can expect that more superior performances will be upcoming . . . from his hairdresser, at least. (Note: If David ever picked a tough club to bring his metrosexual look to, it is Real, as they have rabid support from right-wingers — not the soccer-playing kind — and were famously the favorite club of our old, still dead, pal Francisco Franco.)

But the boy is indeed a Renaissance man. As he said to a reporter on Britain’s ITV regarding his move to Spain (as reported in Private Eye): " It’s going to be difficult for me — I’ve never had to learn a language and now I do. " And I fink I can doo’t.

SCHNEIDINE'S NINE LIVES

Nice to see the BeloJo giving a push to the new jewelry line from former US Representative from the Biggest Little, Claudine Schneider. Although she’s been living for some time in the muy hip town of Boulder, Colorado, Schneidine will be back in Vo Dilun on September 6 and 7 to reveal her latest incarnation as a jewelry designer. Her wares will be on display at the Randall Gallery in Jamestown, from September 5-29.

This is a woman who has reinvented herself more times than Madonna. She’s been an activist, a congresswoman, an environmental administrator, and (missing in the Other Paper story on Monday) a spokesmodel for Tony Robbins, the self-improvement guru with the terrifying choppers.

But you’ve got to hand it to the person who hastened the departure of legendary Vo Dilun Congressman Eddie Beard (a man who’s classic patter makes Arlene Violet sound like a Bostonian). Claudine’s got a tenacity that just doesn’t quit. She has successfully battled seriously debilitating diseases on more than one occasion and keeps on truckin’.

Your superior correspondents say, " Good on you, Claudine. " Although her jewelry wares seem, judging from the photos in the Other Paper, more like drag queen accessories that would require a Jesse Ventura neck to lift, we still hope that her latest endeavor will be an unqualified success. P&J promise to proudly display her neckwear at Liza Minnelli’s next wedding, as long as the invitations don’t get lost in the mail.

THAT OTHER SPECIAL BALLOT

While the moronic recall of Governor Davis in California surges ahead, threatening to hijack the motto " Greatest Show on Earth " from the Barnum & Bailey folk, Denver, Colorado, is having a Rocky Mountain high of its own with a ballot initiative that makes California’s situation look positively reasonable.

Jeff Peckman, a Colorado mediation consultant who graduated from Maharishi University and ran for the US Senate on the " Natural Law Party " ticket in 1998, has garnered enough signatures to place an " anti-stress " issue on the November ballot. Basically, Peckman wants, through government fiat, to have Indian and " primordial " music pumped into city office buildings, introduce " less stressful food " into school cafeterias, and initiate a program of " mass transcendental meditation " for the citizens of Denver.

As with California, the bar is rather low to get such initiatives on the ballot, and Peckman has succeeded in gathering the requisite signatures. This sounds like something like compulsory attendance at WaterFire.

Your superior correspondents wonder what a similar ballot proposal would look like in the Biggest Little. We assume that it would entail mandatory playing of " Finiculi, Finicula " at local grammar schools, the introduction of all-pasta-and-doughnut meal plans, and the institution of a " big hair and excessive jewelry " dress code at most public and private office buildings.

Send bewildering ballot initiatives and Pulitzer-worthy tips to p&j@ phx.com