True colors A quick and easy way to resolve America’s culture war BY STEVE ALMOND

Ever since the election, the headlines have been filled with talk of the Culture War in America. You know, the whole red-and-blue-state thing.

Of course, many people feel that this kind of thinking is deeply harmful to the republic, a divisive gambit devised to inflame the endless American capacity for grievance and to distract from solving the problems we, as citizens, face together. They assert that we are, in the deepest sense, a mix of red and blue — something closer to purple or magenta.

Where I come from we have a name for these folks. We call them queerbaits.

In fact, the culture war does exist. And if you don’t believe me, I would offer you two simple words of proof: Toby Keith.

Consider: a good many people in this country actually worship Toby Keith. They pay hundreds of dollars for Toby merch. They know all the words to Toby’s inspiring proto-fascist anthem, "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American)." When he exhorts folks to "put a boot in the ass" of our terrorist enemy, they sing along.

The rest of us feel these people are insane, perhaps criminally.

Indeed, the real problem isn’t that we take the culture war too seriously, but that we don’t take it seriously enough. We’re a nation of hypocrites. We want to be able to live blue, but vote red, and vice versa.

For this reason, I’m calling on all Americans to display the courage of their convictions by adhering to the following measures.

Those who vote red should consider the following items off-limits:

1) Homosexuality. You can’t be gay and vote for a party that regards you as subhuman. The math doesn’t work. Also: no more Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Will & Grace, Angels in America, Elton John, and so on. If you’re going to hate faggots, stop mooching off their culture.

2) Porn (hard and soft). Bad news, chronic spankers: membership in the Party of Christ means laying off such godless perversions as Romancing the Bone, As Young As They Cum, and Ass Angels Six. It also means steering away from any films and TV shows that depict wanton, sexual conduct outside the context of marriage.

The good news: you can still watch shows that glorify violence!

3) Reproductive choice. Shortly after the election, I spoke with a woman named Andrea who voted for Bush. She was a single, sexually active woman who had no idea where the candidates stood on the issue of reproductive choice. I can’t quite express how sad I found this.

So, to Andrea and the rest of you gals who may find yourself with an unwanted pregnancy (or who may want to prevent the same with a new birth-control medication) — you are now, officially, forbidden to do anything about it. Your body belongs to God. We’ll let you know when you can have it back.

4) Bitching about rich people. I know it’s a lot of fun, practically a national pastime, but you’ve thrown your lot in with a party that believes the rich deserve everything they have, and should get more. So button your lip, budget wisely, and hope like hell you hit the Lotto.

5) Blues, hip-hop, and R&B. This will come as a surprise to many red staters, but these musical genres are the products of a disenfranchised African-American subculture. They live in a place called the "ghetto" and often depend on the government for financial assistance (I know — really tacky). Like gays, they pretty much hate your guts. So stop listening to their music. And, for God’s sake, stop imitating the way they speak and dress.

6) Ethnic cuisine. We all know that most of the good ethnic cuisine is prepared by recent immigrants, or people who are friends with recent immigrants. So you’re really just enabling the brown and yellow mongrel hordes to stampede over our national borders. That’s a no-no in Bush’s America.

As for the blues, here’s your list of forbidden fruits:

1) Guns. You can’t push for gun control, then pack heat just in case. And no, the left is not going to shed its wimp image by hauling out the rifles (this would require, you know, actual moral courage). This should have been clear from John Kerry’s duck-hunting expedition.

2) SUVs. If you’re going to bitch about blood for oil, you should be taking public transportation, car pooling, or — if you’re feeling decadent — driving a used hybrid.

3) Credit cards. If blues want to deride the fiscal irresponsibility of their red brethren, they have to be willing to pay as they go. Nike tennis shoes: $89 cash. Ikea sofa: $599 cash. Bose stereo: $1200 cash. Good moral standing: priceless.

4) Action films. My friend Deb, a raving lefty, says she goes to see Steven Seagal’s films for their camp value. I say to her: you can’t complain about the guy in the White House if you’re shelling out $9 to see his fantasies fulfilled.

Obviously, any Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle is also verboten.

5) NASCAR. If you know who Bobby Labonte is, you’re part of the problem.

6) Wal-Mart. It’s so big, so cheap, so gosh-darn convenient! But if you blues are serious about opposing the corporatization of American culture, you can’t be sneaking off to the Super Center for cheap towels.

Anyone, of either persuasion, who is caught violating these rules more than three times in a single year will have his or her voting rights revoked.

I realize these steps may seem radical. But people have to decide what kind of country they want to live in. If they want a righteous theocracy that guzzles gas, kicks towelhead ass, and runs huge deficits, they’re going to have to sacrifice some goodies.

Likewise, if they want a secular state run amok with catamites, tree-huggers, poor people, and sexually active feminists, they can’t be bogarting off the drive-through convenience and moral sloth of the right.

If all goes well, we should be well into a new civil war by the time Jenna Bush is preparing her first run for Congress.

Angry patriots (what other kind are there?) may deride Steve Almond via www.bbchow.com