Winging it He may take one for the team, but is the wingman really a dream? BY KRIS FRIESWICK

A recent Coors Light ad campaign has made me aware of yet another glaring difference between the male and female genders: the "wingman." According to the ad’s infectious jingle, the wingman is the guy who is "takin’ one for the team, so [his] buddy can live the dream." In other words, the wingman is stuck feigning interest in the unattractive friend of a hottie that the buddy is putting the moves on. The wingman keeps the ugly friend occupied so that the buddy can swoop in to score the attractive female.

Although this strategy may seem prehistoric, it actually indicates that men have a deep understanding of the psychological make-up of the average unattached female and the nature of the female bond. Men know that a woman generally won’t outright abandon a female friend in a bar — unless the friend has another female or a suitable male to talk to. As a result, men have evolved the wingman to play an invaluable role in the pick-up procedure. Who knew that such social organization lurked in the hearts of men? And why would a man ever, ever agree to be the wingman when his net gain in the transaction is zero or less?

My husband, who has played both wingman and buddy throughout his (now-terminated) dating career, explained it to me this way. Men agree to be wingmen because they know that sooner or later, they’ll need a wingman. It’s a highly developed form of co-existence of which, for many years, I thought men incapable. Intrigued, I probed further. "If there’s a hot girl in the room, who decides who the wingman is and who gets to go after the girl?" I asked. "First dibs, pretty much," he answered. Ah, the first-come, first-served principle. Deceptively simple, highly effective. "What if the girl the wingman has to talk to is really, really horrible?" I asked. "Doesn’t matter," my husband told me. "Besides, if she’s really ugly, she’ll be so relieved to have someone to talk to that she won’t even notice that he’s not really paying attention."

The conversation raised the question: why are there no wingwomen? "They’re not as good at pretending to pay attention," said my dearest. Damn, I thought, he’s spot on. We aren’t any good at it. Besides, the idea of purposely putting ourselves within groping distance of an undesirable male, and pretending to be interested ... there’s a better chance we’d smear ourselves with beer-scented perfume and walk naked through a bowling alley.

But aside from this obvious reason why there are no wingwomen, I think there are deeper social and psychological issues that virtually guarantee that we’ll never see an ad campaign devoted to the praise of the wing-girl ("She’s chattin’ up the big toker, so her friend can land the stock broker ... wing-girl!").

First off, if there’s an attractive, successful man within pick-up range of a group of women, it’s more likely than not that at some point in the evening, every single one of them will make a play for him. Loyalty, social strategy, altruism, out the window, especially if any or all members of the female social group are within or nearing the end of their child-bearing years. In fact, the levels of deviousness I have personally witnessed when two or more females are interested in the same eligible bachelor approach Machiavellian proportions. There’s the "pretending to go to the ladies’ room alone" routine, which we all realize immediately is a thinly veiled attempt to get some one-on-one time with the desired male (because what woman goes to a bar bathroom alone?). There’s the "looking over your friend’s shoulder to make eye contact with the hottie across the room while pretending to continue your conversation with said friend" maneuver — again, totally transparent because we’re no good at pretending to pay attention, and even worse at pretending to have conversations.

Second, women don’t need a wing-girl. If an attractive woman walks up to two men in a bar and asks one of them to dance, that man will abandon his friend with a speed exceeded only by ejection seats in F-14 Tomcat fighter planes. In addition, the abandoned male friend can be counted on not to get all bitchy and indignant about it. In fact, he might even raise a silent toast, wish his friend good luck, and move on to happier hunting grounds.

There is a third and mighty compelling reason why women aren’t generally interested in being wing-girls. According to my husband, there is an inherent risk in the wingman scenario. He admits that he once ended up in a relationship with a woman he still refers to as "Psycho Anna" because he took his wingman responsibilities a little too far. Similarly, showing interest (however insincere) toward a subpar male has landed more than one female in an unpleasant "stalking" situation, and there’s just no reason a girl should go out of her way to find that kind of trouble.

So let’s just raise a glass to the mighty wingman, and make peace with the fact that there are some things that women just aren’t supposed to be good at.

Kris Frieswick can be reached at k.frieswick@verizon.net