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Celebrate the new year by putting some dead language out to pasture
BY STEVE ALMOND
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The new year has arrived again, with its big fat clean slate of hope, and I, for one, am eager to make some good use of 2004. No, I’m not talking about another binge-drinking episode in which I throw up on a complete stranger and wake up face down in a Saugus titty bar. I did that last year. I’m talking about my first annual New Year Word Retirement Ceremony. Here’s how it works: I write down a dozen words or phrases that have worn out their welcome, then symbolically "retire" them by flushing them down the Toilet of Dead Language, which is located, conveniently, in my bathroom. Without further ado, this year’s nominees: Utilize (verb): There is no earthly reason to use this verb except to attempt to appear more intelligent than you are, which you should not do. "In my personal opinion ..." (clause): My problem isn’t with the word personal. It’s possible, after all, that someone could offer a professional opinion, or a collective one. My problem is with the whole phrase. Doesn’t the fact that someone is offering an opinion sort of announce itself when that person starts speaking? When someone uses this phrase, what they’re really saying is: "I know I’m kind of pulling this opinion out of my ass, and I know it sounds half-baked, but you’re not allowed to criticize it." "Word" (interjection): Yet another charming attempt by white, middle-class youth to appropriate the lingo of urban African-Americans (see also "yo," "phat," and "down with that"). I can’t tell you how ridiculous this one sounds. Or actually, I can. Some sample dialogue from a recent student conference. Me: "It looks like your revision is due next week." Student: "Word." Me: "Did my comments on your last draft make sense?" Student: "Word." Me: "Please get out of my office." Student: "Word." Generation X (noun, adjective): I can no longer remember exactly what Generation X was supposed to signify, back when it was fresh. Something involving, I think, irony. But at this point it’s been used so often, and so variously, that it no longer really means anything. Or actually, check that. If you read the clippings, Generation X has come to mean the following: any young, easily manipulated market demographic. Now we’re having to contend with Generation Y, and Generation Z can’t be far behind. Fortunately, we’ve reached the end of the alphabet. Alt (adjective, from the root alternative): Another word that’s been beaten senseless by the press. The idea, a decade ago, was that certain musical artists were determined to make music that fell outside the mainstream of their chosen genre. Sure. Okay. Fine. But at this point, most artists are so dead-set against appearing mainstream that there’s very little that isn’t, in some sense, alternative. At the same time, a lot of the artists once considered alternative (Pearl Jam, R.E.M., and so on) are so massively popular that it’s tough not to consider them, well, mainstream. Indie (adjective, from the root independent): It’s the same basic dynamic in Hollywood, where the marketing gurus have tapped into the cachet of the term "independent film." The problem is that most independent films, at this point, are at least partially funded or distributed by one of the studios. The insidious adjectival spin-off, indie, is used to express supposed freedom from the constraints of the assorted corporate overlords. But let’s face it: any time you have to announce your edginess, you’re not really edgy anymore. "Talk to the hand" (exclamation): A phrase destined to join the ranks of "Where’s the beef?" and "Whatever" in the Pop Culture Hall of Shame. Metrosexual (noun): A relatively recent entry into the Zeitgeist, but one that has quickly worn out its welcome. What is a metrosexual, anyway? It’s basically a straight guy who isn’t afraid to express certain non-traditional values, such as giving a damn about his appearance. Just what we need: another special designation predicated on the pigheadedness of heterosexual males. As to the term’s hip quotient, let me note that my father recently informed me that he felt he might be a metrosexual, because he sort of likes to shop. (Actually, the word he used, God bless him, was "meterosexual.") Compassionate conservative (slogan): What say, with the election year coming, we just nip this thing in the bud, okay? Because I don’t think most poor people or environmentalists or gays feel like they’ve been treated with much compassion by Shrub. In fairness, he has been awfully compassionate to folks in the oil business, CEOs, and lobbyists for the defense and energy industries, though I’m not sure they really count, as they funded his campaign. Environmental Protection Agency (oxymoron): Right. Democrat (alleged noun): Franklin Roosevelt. Adlai Stevenson. George McGovern. Those guys were Democrats. They believed in government as a force for good in the life of the disenfranchised. They weren’t afraid to oppose a war on moral grounds, or to take an unpopular stand. And they weren’t ashamed of their idealism. Can any of this be said of any of the current crop? They’re not Democrats. They’re Republicans without the mean streak. Weapons of Mass Destruction (urban myth): Oh, shut up. If there are any folks from Merriam-Webster out there, I’m asking that you do the right thing and ban these words from next year’s editions. Let me just sum up by saying this: in my personal opinion, anyone who utilizes these terms, be they metrosexuals, members of Generation X, compassionate conservatives, alt-rockers, or indie filmmakers, can talk to the hand. Word. You can reach Steve Almond by utilizing his indie Web site, www.stevenalmond.com
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