Want a job with that? The real cause of today’s record unemployment BY KRIS FRIESWICK

the Unemployment rate is higher than it’s been in years, and I think I know why. It’s not that there aren’t any jobs out there. There are plenty of jobs. It’s just that no one is qualified for them anymore, because the qualifications have changed. You may have the necessary skills to perform the required job tasks. You may have the college degree. Maybe you have tons of training, experience, references up the wazoo, reasonable salary requirements. But, sadly, no one — not you or me or anyone we know — possesses that one quality that all employers now require before they will even let you in the door: that you be a "people person."

Back in the boom years, there were so few bodies available to fill so many jobs that even someone with the personality of Donatella Versace could get a managerial position — with stock options. As we know, those days are long gone, replaced by an employer’s market. And boy, are those employers pissed. They can’t believe the arrogant, self-centered, entitled little shits they had to hire during the boom years just to keep up with customer demand. Today, revenge is theirs, and the unemployed masses must pay the price. It is no longer enough to be talented. Now you have to be humble, deferential, congenial, willing to work supernaturally hard, take pay or benefit cuts without raising too much of a stink, and you have to get along with the boss, your co-workers, and, most crucially, the customers. Because there aren’t too many of them with money trolling around these days, and if a company catches one, it’s prepared to do almost anything to keep him or her.

Which is where the people-person thing comes in. In current parlance, "people person" basically translates into "willing to take an inordinate amount of shit — from bosses, customers, and co-workers — for considerably less money than you would have made three years ago, without getting all spiteful and passive-aggressive."

The problem is that I am not a people person, and, face it, neither are you. You lie during interviews, you say you are, but even saying that you’re a people person is the surest sign that you are not. People persons don’t have to announce their presence — they just are. You can spot them by their beatific, almost drugged expression. There are probably about three authentic people persons in the United States. The rest of us don’t even like people all that much, do we? That’s why, when you tell that prospective employer that you’re a people person, the slight hesitation is a dead giveaway that you’re just like the 99.9 percent of the American population that is made up of non-people persons.

"No," you cry, "I am a people person. I really am! I love people. Some of my best friends are people. I’m extremely malleable, I have almost no moxie, and I can roll with any punch, as long as it’s not to the kidneys." Sorry, pal. The hiring community isn’t buying it. I don’t blame them. After all, they know firsthand that their offices were once packed with way too many prima donnas, know-nothing blowhards, dead-weight do-nothings, and high-maintenance whiners. Even the hardest, most dedicated non-whining employee got a little bit entitled during the boom years. Today, now that they have enough money to start hiring again, employers are envisioning the workplace of their dreams, and are trying to fill the office with the happy "people persons" who will make the previous office dynamic a long-ago nightmare.

The only problem is that those people don’t exist.

If you still insist that you’re a people person, you’re just deluding yourself, but go ahead and take this simple quiz anyway.

The last time you were in standstill traffic and someone tried to sneak his car into the six inches between you and the rear bumper of the car in front of you, what did you do? a) Let him in, smile, and wave; b) close the gap between you and the car in front and pretend not to see Mr. Cutting In; or c) honk, flip the offending driver the bird, roll down your window, and begin to yell obscenities.

If you answered a, you are one of the three aforementioned people persons in the US, and you do not live in the Greater Boston area. (If you did, some local newsmagazine show would have found you by now and done a touching human-interest story about you, "The Driver Who Lets People Cut In.")

Still not convinced? Try this one. It’s four o’clock on the Friday before Labor Day weekend, and you’re packing up your office to leave for a vacation with your family. Your phone rings. It’s your biggest customer, whom your co-workers affectionately refer to as "The Giant Dickweed." Before you’ve even had a chance to say hello, his voice is bellowing into your ear, calling you all sorts of horrible names and demanding major changes to a project that must be delivered the following Tuesday morning. Do you: a) calm him down using gentle, soothing, agreeable tones, take careful notes on all his concerns, assure him you’ll get right on it, and then cancel your Cape vacation and work all weekend; b) pretend to be a member of the office’s largely El Salvadoran cleaning crew for whom English is not even a third language; or c) hang up without saying a word and run for the door?

Employers everywhere are looking for the person who answers a to both of these questions. Is it any wonder the unemployment rate is so high? The pendulum has obviously swung too far. And until it starts swinging back the other way, finding a job will get no easier for the vast majority of the qualified.

Still, something good will come of this state of affairs, if even one 22-year-old formerly overpaid Internet executive has to learn to ask the question, "Do you want fries with that?"

Kris Frieswick can be reached at k.frieswick@verizon.net