Catch a fire Undecided New Hampshire voters are receptive to General Wesley Clark’s message. Can committed campaign workers translate his upturn in the polls into something more? BY MIKE MILIARD
	Primary foot soldiers CANVASSERS ARE the unsung heroes of any political campaign. They go door to door with campaign literature and try to engage potential voters in conversation about their candidate. Their ranks are populated with students, impassioned political junkies, and, in some cases, singletons looking for a date. Regardless of motive, they’re on the frontlines of retail politics and can best gauge how the public is responding to candidates. With less than three weeks to go before the New Hampshire primary, we sent three staffers to the Granite State for a day to volunteer for the campaigns of former Vermont governor Howard Dean, Retired General Wesley Clark, and Massachusetts senator John Kerry. We wanted to see how Granite Staters — perhaps the most influential voters in the country when it comes to presidential-primary elections — were engaging with the campaigns of the leading candidates. In order to get as authentic a reading on the political climate as possible, our staffers did not identify themselves as journalists to the campaigns. That said, they were instructed to do what the campaigns asked of them; in other words, there wasn’t a saboteur among them. Our findings are below. Camille Dodero freezes for Dean Mike Miliard joins the Clark contingent David S. Bernstein hooks up with Kerry's kids

MANCHESTER, NH — The folks at Margie’s Dream truck stop have seen it all. When I stop by the tiny greasy spoon early on Saturday morning to get directions to Wesley Clark’s campaign headquarters, I ask them if, with little more than two weeks to go until the New Hampshire primary, they are sick of presidential candidates yet. Almost in unison, 15 or so people laugh and say, "Yes!" One guy looks up from his eggs and points to a framed photo of Bill Clinton grinning broadly as he presses the flesh. The place is a regular stop for CNN camera crews, explains another, who jokes, "That’s why we’re all dressed in flannel today. We know what people expect us to look like."

I ask their impressions of General Clark.

"Clark? He’s an old Navy man," says one old-timer approvingly.

"Army," his pal corrects him.

"He’s a good man," says a guy in the corner wearing a Red Sox cap. "He’s a good man, and I plan to vote for him."

So, it seems, do more and more people. Wesley Clark is gaining traction daily in the Granite State. As of January 12, the ongoing New Hampshire tracking poll conducted by the American Research Group (ARG) had him at 19 percent to Howard Dean’s 36, a jump of seven points in just over a week. (Once-presumed front-runner John Kerry, on the other hand, is now polling at just 10 percent.) Nationally, a Gallup poll conducted between January 2 and 5 had Clark and Dean in a statistical dead heat. While subsequent surveys have suggested that those numbers were something of an aberration, it’s looking increasingly likely that the contest for New Hampshire will end up a Dean-Clark race. Clark’s fundraising is robust as well: his campaign raked in between $10 and $12 million in the fourth quarter, and almost $4 million in federal matching funds are on the way. And while he’s poised for a strong second-place finish in New Hampshire, many observers feel he’ll be in even better shape when the primaries swing south and west.

Howard Dean is noticing. His attacks on Clark have grown more frequent and more pointed, and Dean supporters have been handing out leaflets questioning Clark’s anti-war bona fides (despite the fact that the retired general has never actually claimed to be "anti-war"). Even the Republican National Committee has started issuing barbed denouncements. That’s good news, and for Clark it might get better still. A telling number in that ARG poll is 17 — that’s the percentage of New Hampshire primary voters who are still undecided. With nine field officers and a small army of devoted volunteers in the state, Clark is in terrific position to help them make up their minds. It’s simply a matter of building on his newfound momentum. One frigid Saturday last week, I volunteered to help do just that.

I’ve been drawn to Clark since last spring, when I first heard of the grassroots movement to draft him into the race. At first, the attraction was based on the much-discussed "electability" issue. I felt then, and still feel now, that Clark’s stellar résumé — first in his class at West Point, Rhodes scholar, war hero, supreme allied commander of NATO — was the ideal counterpoint to the GOP’s insistence that George. W. Bush, a dimwitted draft-dodger, is the nation’s only hope for security in this dangerous, post-9/11 world. But the more I read about Clark, the more I liked him: his obvious intelligence, his seemingly unfeigned compassion, his optimistic belief in "a new American patriotism" (however corny the term may sound). After he entered the race, Clark even became the only politician ever to get my money ($35 whole dollars! I figured it should be more than $25, but couldn’t afford $50). And even though the temperature hovered around the zero-degree mark last week, I was happy to canvass door to door if it meant sustaining his momentum. Over the course of the day, I spoke to dozens of people. With just one or two exceptions, the only ones who said they would definitely not vote for Clark were Republicans. Some supported him outright, some wavered between him and Dean (many, admittedly, leaning toward Dean), and many were intrigued, wanting to hear more.

In this respect, Clark’s decision not to compete in the Iowa caucus may turn out to have been very prudent. Let’s face it: he’s pretty much had the run of the place while Dean, Dick Gephardt, John Kerry, and John Edwards duke it out in the Midwest. As a result, while surging in the polls last week, Clark had the latitude to rejigger his schedule, canceling a planned five-day trip west to stay on in the Granite State for three additional days of his town-meeting-style "Conversations with Clark." As I called resident after resident of the tiny burg of Candia on Saturday to invite them to one of these, the ones who weren’t apolitical grouches ("Lemme ask you something. Do you campaign guys have to call every fucking day? It’s 10 o’clock on a Saturday morning!") or GOP grouches ("Hi, my name is Mike, and I’m calling from the Wesley Clark campaign ... " "Good for you. I’m a Republican. Goodbye") seemed at least somewhat curious. One elderly woman told me she liked his stance on health care and his experience as a leader in the armed forces. One man had never heard of him — but his ears pricked up when he heard me say the words "four-star" and "supreme allied commander." Only two of the 30 or 40 I called promised to come out to meet the candidate on a bitterly cold Sunday night, but a handful said they’d think about it. The push to get these undecided voters into school gyms in Candia and Hudson and Merrimack was critical. Clark was gaining a point or two in the tracking poll every day at this juncture, and expectations were rising apace. "If we get any less than 500 people, CNN will say his support is dropping," one campaign worker told me.

Meanwhile, the converted mill building that houses Clark’s New Hampshire headquarters (it used to be home base for Bob Graham’s ill-fated primary push) was buzzing. There must have been a couple hundred volunteers — mostly twenty- and thirtysomethings, but also a striking number of fifty- and sixtysomethings. They filed in and out of the bitter cold with arms full of lawn signs and leaflets bound for Concord, Nashua, and Portsmouth. They worked the phones and filled the databases. They rhapsodized about Clark’s speech at a VFW pancake breakfast that morning ("Visionary ... cerebral") and they showed off their paraphernalia, like Clark bars and campaign buttons (ALL PATRIOT. NO ACT.). In the midst of it all, Clark strategist Chris Lehane — he was Al Gore’s pugnacious campaign spokesman in 2000 and a high-profile early defector from the foundering ’04 Kerry campaign — slouched impassively at a folding table with his cell phone glued to his ear.

SINCE THE FALL, Clark has been assiduously honing his speaking skills, focusing his message, and fleshing out his policy positions. In so doing, he has been subtly de-emphasizing the military credentials that got him noticed in the first place. That may be a smart move. Despite the punditocracy’s repeated pronouncements that national security will be the central issue in this election, not a single person I spoke to on Saturday named it as a chief concern. Instead, they were preoccupied with health care, education, taxes, and jobs.

This quickly became apparent when I headed south to canvass distant Merrimack with Mike, a 40-year-old self-professed "political junkie" from Queens who’d driven up from New York City that day, along with 70 or 80 other Clark die-hards — many of whom he’d met months before through the "Draft Clark" movement. He’d been to Manchester before. He was here when Gary Hart took Walter Mondale by surprise in 1984. And he canvassed for Al Gore four years ago. (He also volunteered for Jimmy Carter’s campaign in 1980 when he was just 17; on election night that year, he wept.) But Mike says no candidate has every grabbed hold of him as Clark has. And it’s not just because he dislikes Howard Dean. Mike admires Clark’s intellect and his passion and selflessness. And based on talks with friends in New York and New Hampshire earlier in the campaign, he could sense that more and more people were coming to share his view: "Mike," he says to me, "I think we’re betting on the right horse."

We were delivering copies of the new Wesley Clark DVD, American Son, an 18-minute profile by Designing Women creator Linda Bloodworth, who was also responsible for the 1992 Clinton mini-bio-pic The Man from Hope. (Wisely intuiting that not everyone in rural New Hampshire owns a DVD player, the Clark campaign is broadcasting American Son weekly on WNDS until the primary; it’s also available at www.clark04.com/americanson).

At our first stop, a genial, bearded man said that, for the moment, he was split between Dean and Clark. Mike asked him what he considered the most important issue of the campaign. He thought for a second ... "Who can I trust?" Then he gestured toward an Army sticker on the bumper of his pick-up truck, and mentioned he’d received the Purple Heart. Veterans’ issues are important to him too, he said, intimating that that might tilt him in Clark’s favor. "We’re gonna win," said Mike. "Ya’d better, with that fuckin’ moron in the White House!" he laughed; his sharp northern New England accent made "fuckin’ moron" sound more like "fahckin moe-ron." Then, gesturing at his porch thermometer (which read three degrees), he admonished us, "Now get back in the car, and stay warm!"

The target at the next house wasn’t home, but a guy with a grizzled face and dark-tinted glasses answered the door. "Well, I’m a Republican, so I can’t vote in the primary," he said. "But I would consider him in the general election." This intrigued us. "I don’t like this 60, 70 billion for Iraq" — he spit the word out like a piece of bad food — "all spent for something where I don’t see much good coming from it in the long run. Seems more and more like Vietnam." He’d rather see that money used for education and job creation, he said. Even Bush’s new plan to establish a permanent presence on the moon and put a man on Mars seemed more deserving.

INTERESTINGLY, THOSE two prospective Clark supporters were the only bearers of Y chromosomes we encountered that day. Last Friday, a New York Times cover story reported on the Clark campaign’s effort to engage women, who trail men in their support for the former general — a fact Clark chalks up to distaste for the Army as a "male-dominated, hierarchical, authoritarian institution." His campaign Web site features a page called "Valuing Women," with bullet points explaining his commitment to equal opportunity in the workplace, reproductive freedom, and "stepping up our efforts to fight violence against women" as "human-rights violations." And his recently softened wardrobe, trading military spit-and-polish and sharp navy-blue suits for sweaters and corduroys, has attracted an almost comical amount of attention. But even if the Times’s Maureen Dowd pokes fun at his new penchant for argyle pullovers that "conjure up images of Bing Crosby on the links or Fred MacMurray at the kitchen table," he’s got one high-profile woman in his corner. Last week Clark supporters nationwide found an e-mail in their inboxes from Madonna, who officially endorsed him, speaking "not only as a ‘celebrity’ but as an American citizen and as a mother."

The door-knocking campaign also seemed to be on its toes, targeting the perceived gender gap. Of the 30 or so homes we visited, at least 20 housed female Democrats or Independents — even if the information was sometimes a little out of date. "Thanks, but I’m a Republican," said one woman as she opened the door in her bathrobe. Apparently, the name on our list had not lived at that address for four years. "Any Democratic friends you want to give this to?" said Mike. "No. But good luck — and stay warm!" "Ah," I said to Mike as we stepped gingerly down the frozen driveway, "a compassionate conservative."

Compassionate, perhaps, but not someone who could advance our cause. On the other hand, one young professional woman was hearteningly excited to see us. "Hey!" she exclaimed as she held her dog back from the door. "Yes! Right on!" She’d been intrigued by Clark, she said. She seemed to want to like him, but she wanted to know more. "Well, what better way to spend a freezing Saturday night than curling up on the couch and watching the Wes Clark DVD?" I joked. "No, I’m gonna!" she smiled, noting that she’d been feeling like Clark "needs more exposure." As we walked away she hollered after us. "Thanks! I have some people I want to show this to!"

The Clark campaign is addressing the exposure issue, and slowly but surely the hard work in New Hampshire looks to be bringing about the desired result. At one house we visited, the woman at the door admitted Clark is currently second in her mind to Dean; she attributed her support for the Vermont doctor to the fact that she’s a nurse practitioner. But after a call earlier that week from the campaign, she said that Clark, while still second, was a "stronger second." She said she’d been reading up on his stance on health care — to extend insurance coverage for more than 30 million Americans, including everyone under 22, for instance — and it had piqued her interest.

But even probable supporters don’t necessarily want to stand at an open door in near-zero-degree weather and discuss the finer points of Wesley Clark’s foreign and domestic policy. As we urged one mother to consider giving Clark her vote, she braced herself against the arctic blast coming through her front door. "Okay, I promise!" she said briskly. "Now go! Scoot, scoot!"

Mike Miliard can be reached at mmiliard[a]phx.com

Looking into the future is no easy matter, especially in these uncertain times. Which is not to say that any times are certain, only that these times are more uncertain than most other times. In fact, the last time there was as much uncertainty as there is now was the mid-13th century, a time commonly held to be one of the most uncertain in history. Some things, however, we can state with near certainty. Next year will see a presidential election in the United States. The conflict in Iraq will rage on. Viggo Mortensen will continue to have an absurdly strong jaw. On these foundations, we can start to build an apperception of what the rest of the year will look like.

Some of the predictions made below may, at first, seem borderline absurd. But to dismiss absurdity in the face of so much uncertainty is itself absurd, and so the dismissal of the absurd is ultimately rendered uncertain. This is how the study of time works — it’s tricky stuff. The past and the future are a constantly eddying stream of now and then, then and now. Occasionally, however, as the result of a phenomenon the physicist Stephen Hawking called " being stoned, " the then and now will merge into a crystalline whole. It is in this state that prognosticators may most ably ply their trade.

And so it is from this Hawking-esque standpoint that we have approached the difficult task of looking forward to 2004. If any of the forecasts we’ve made here do turn out to be erroneous, then this is almost certainly a reflection of these uncertain times rather than any shortcomings on our part. As the philosopher Bertrand Russell put it, " When one admits that nothing is certain one must, I think, also add that some things are more nearly certain than others. "

January

1: Tragedy strikes the New Year’s Eve celebration in New York’s Times Square as an ice sculpture depicting Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s ego collapses, crushing 800 revelers.

4: Democratic presidential hopeful Howard Dean, responding to a story in the New York Post, angrily denies that he has quizzed a DC plastic surgeon about getting a neck implant.

8: CIA director George Tenet gives a live press conference to announce that a recent cold snap gripping the East Coast " bears all the hallmarks of an Al Qaeda operation. " Tenet adds that there is evidence of terrorist involvement in the proliferation of Internet spam, Céline Dion’s last CD, and a nasty case of gout that’s been niggling Dick Cheney.

12: The Patriots’ Super Bowl prospects take a hit as quarterback Tom Brady slips during training, severely injuring his smile.

20: The stock market plunges after

Federal Reserve chair Alan Greenspan, appearing before a congressional hearing, says, " Gentleman, we’re fucked. "

21: Howard Dean appears on Meet the Press to deny that he expressed joy over the stock-market collapse. " I was punching the air, not pumping my fist, " a visibly irritated Dean tells Tim Russert. " And what I actually yelled was ‘Spank you, God!’ I was angry. " Dean goes on to add, " Grrr " before being muffled by his own necktie.

26: The local Catholic archdioceses, under increasing financial pressure, launch a new line of grocery products. Two items in particular — Great Bloody Cabernet! and Jesus, That’s a Good Cracker! — are immediate hits.

February

3: The US military, under pressure from truth-in-advertising groups, names its new line of Black Hawk helicopters the Black Hawk Down.

15: Famously rumpled politician Barney Frank appears on the first episode of Bravo’s new reality TV show Queer Eye for the Queer Guy. On the show, the congressman’s spectacles are described as " impeachable. "

19: The term " campaign rage " enters the national lexicon.

25: Mel Gibson’s long-awaited film The Passion of the Christ opens to disappointing reviews. Critics take particular exception to a scene in which Danny Glover, in the role of Pontius Pilate, rolls his eyes and says, " I’m getting too old for this shit. "

26: Inspired by ’N Sync member Lance Bass’s $20 million quest to travel into space, Michael Jackson offers the European Space Agency $50 million to make him the first human to probe Ursa Minor.

29: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King becomes the first movie in history to win every single Oscar category, including Best Sound Editing for a Musical Documentary from a Former Soviet Bloc Nation.

March

2: The Boston Red Sox announce that the team will trade right fielder Trot Nixon to the Baltimore Orioles for left fielder Larry Bigbie, a trade that will see Boston pitcher Alan Embree moving to the Cincinnati Reds while Reds catcher Jason LaRue moves to the Florida Marlins, who will in turn send outfielder Chip Ambres to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays in return for infielder Aubrey Huff, who will move to Boston in exchange for first baseman Kevin Millar and first-choice peanut vendor Terrence Gatt. " The trade is definitely to our advantage, " says Red Sox GM Theo Epstein. " I think. "

6: Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ takes another hit as David Denby, writing in the New Yorker, asks, " What the hell’s with the extra the? "

9. Days after being criticized by Joe Lieberman for his lack of foreign-policy experience, Al Sharpton appears on MSNBC’s Hardball. " I am going to be a tough president, a hard president, a strong president, " Sharpton tells Chris Matthews. " This Al Qaeda guy won’t know what hit him. "

12: Thousands of disappointed pornography buffs launch a class-action lawsuit after the latest Paris Hilton video reveals little more than the façade of an upscale hotel with Sacré-Coeur in the background.

24: Presidential hopeful John Kerry, desperate for national news coverage, agrees to undergo a televised dental exam and lice check.

28: Columbia Pictures announces it has signed John McCain and Howard Dean to star in the sequel to Anger Management.

April

1: Mindful of last season’s disappointing finale, Red Sox GM Theo Epstein announces that the team will abandon the slogan " Cowboy Up! " in favor of " Zimmer Down! "

8: A US military spokesman confirms reports that copies of the movie Gigli have been found along Iraq’s main Ramadi-to-Fallujah highway. " These terrorists should know, " the spokesman says, " that America will not be deterred by a few roadside bombs. "

13: Michael Jackson, on trial for child molestation, stuns legal scholars by pleading not guilty by reason of plasticity.

23: Presidential hopeful John Kerry gives a press conference to clarify his economic plans. " I am firmly, unequivocally against any tax cuts whatsoever, " Kerry says, " except for the ones I approve, if I approve any, which I won’t. Probably. "

26: Saddam Hussein’s trial gets under way in Iraq. In an opening statement, attorney Johnnie Cochran insists that his client is innocent of the charges against him. " If WMD are not found, " Cochran tells the judges, " you must return him to his hole in the ground. "

29: Recently wed gay and lesbian couples in Massachusetts react with alarm to news that the state has made no provision for homosexual divorce.

May

4: In an attempt to trump Howard Dean’s successful Internet drive, presidential hopeful Wesley Clark puts up a profile on Friendster.com.

11: Disgraced journalists Stephen Glass and Jayson Blair announce that they are joining forces to launch a new current-affairs magazine. In its inaugural issue, Not Really names House Speaker William Murphy " America’s most charismatic public official. "

15: At bookstores across the country, fans of J.K. Rowling line up for minutes at a time to buy the prolific author’s latest offering, Harry Potter and the Exhausted Franchise.

20: Scientists at MIT claim to have proven that Pavlovian conditioning works on humans as well as dogs. According to a report in the New England Journal of Medicine, the MIT researchers found that Bush-administration officials reflexively responded to the sound of a car backfiring with the words " Al Qaeda! "

22: Presidential hopeful Carol Moseley Braun fires her campaign manager for adopting the Mod classic " Who Are You? " as the campaign’s official song.

26: In what is said to be a sign that Hollywood may be losing its edge, Quentin Tarantino’s latest film, Tickle Bill, is quickly followed by the Martin Scorsese epic Gangs of Poughkeepsie. Pixar, meanwhile, bucks the trend with its bloody animated romp Finding Osama.

30: In an attempt to increase his appeal with Granite State voters, presidential hopeful John Kerry gives a speech in Franconia, New Hampshire, in which he repeatedly points out the uncanny resemblance between his face and that of the Old Man of the Mountain.

June

2: British home secretary David Blunkett announces that three Iraqi men have been arrested for throwing stink bombs during a Catholic service in London. Prime Minister Tony Blair arranges a hasty press conference, during which he intones, " We have said all along that the Iraqis possess weapons of mass disruption. "

12: Hollywood reels as the Enquirer reveals Ashton Kutcher’s plans to wed the woman in his life. " Despite the age difference, we’re very much in love, " says a glowing Liza Minnelli.

16: Presidential hopeful Al Sharpton, attempting to recover from previous foreign-policy gaffes, tells Bill O’Reilly that " this nation must ask itself what will be the result if groups like Al Qaeda, which is a group, gets its hands on large amounts of Botox. "

21: Television audiences across the world applaud wildly as self-promoting magician David Blaine disappears up his own ass.

28: Wesley Clark, in another attempt to boost his popularity with young people, agrees to model underwear in an Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue. While sales of camouflage briefs pick up, Clark’s popularity plummets.

30: Following a disappointing start to the 2004 season, California sports fans vote to recall the Anaheim Angels.

July

1: In scenes reminiscent of last year’s Pedro Martinez–Don Zimmer fiasco, a Red Sox–New York Yankees game turns ugly when Sox center fielder Choo Freeman, recently acquired from the Colorado Rockies in a 32-way swap, deliberately smudges shortstop Derek Jeter’s eyeliner.

9: As the popularity of the Olsen twins wanes, People magazine reports that America " is going ga-ga " for the Hammarskjöld quintuplets.

14: President Bush is rushed to the hospital after he falls and hits his head during a policy speech at Harvard’s John F. Kennedy School of Government. A White House spokesman later reveals that the president lost his footing after stumbling over the word " proliferation. "

17: Mega contractor Halliburton comes under renewed scrutiny following reports that a $16 million construction project in Iraq amounted to a wheelbarrow, a shovel, and a guy named Ed.

23: Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa finds himself at the center of renewed controversy after getting into a fistfight with a sommelier at a high-end Boston restaurant. " I don’t care what that mofo says, " Sosa tells reporters after his arraignment. " That wine was definitely corked. "

31: Howard Dean is nominated the Democratic presidential candidate. " I’m delighted, " Dean tells a rally in Vermont. " And also a little angry. "

August

2: European unity is called into question as French foreign minister Dominique de Villepin, speaking before an EU delegation in Brussels, scrunches up his nose while discussing pasta. Italian foreign minister Renato Ruggiero retorts with an accusation that the French " stole " the idea of square-framed glasses, hairy armpits, and cloyingly heavy after-shave from the Italians.

5: President Bush, asked about his views on hybrid vehicles at a conference on global warming, says, " My administration is committed to food that is not generically altered, especially bread. "

8: Responding to an ever-worsening financial crunch, the Boston archdiocese unveils its new line of coin-operated confessional booths.

12: As Saddam Hussein’s trial continues, attorney Johnnie Cochran announces that his client is " psychologically unbalanced, " adding, " This guy thinks he’s Aladdin. "

26: At a conference to address the nation’s worsening obesity crisis, President Bush responds to a question about carbohydrates with " My administration is committed to protecting the ozone thing, up there. "

September

3: British millionaire Richard Branson threatens to sue the owners of a new Islamic airline for copyright infringement. Nonetheless, 72 Virgins Air turns an immediate profit.

14: The Office of Homeland Security raises the nation’s threat level to orange due to an increase in terrorist " chatter. " Hours later, the level is raised to its highest level, red, after intelligence officials report an increase in terrorist " badinage. "

18: Hollywood reels as gorgeous actress Gwyneth Paltrow and equally gorgeous singer Chris Martin give birth to a baby boy who’s described as " uglier than a bucket of Bill O’Reillys. "

23: Under pressure from truth-in-advertising groups, rapper 50 Cent changes his name to 50 Million Dollar.

24: Attorney General John Ashcroft angrily denies rumors that prisoners at Guantánamo Bay have been forced to watch the entire oeuvre of actor Keanu Reeves, despite widely viewed news footage of the detainees crying out, " Dude! Help us! Dude! "

27: A pro–Michael Jackson rally in the Southern Iraq city of Basra turns ugly after a local cleric strikes a Jackson supporter in the face. The New York Post reports on the incident with the headline: shiite hits the fan.

29: The New York Post’s chief headline writer is admitted to a Manhattan hospital with suspected quiplash.

October

1: Following a month-long slump in which the team manages only three runs, the Red Sox fail to make the World Series yet again. Owner John Henry announces he is firing the team’s manager, the general manager, the entire pitching staff, and Bob Griswold, the guy who works the concessions stand.

6: President Bush’s approval rating soars as Osama bin Laden is found near Kandahar, Afghanistan. Reports that the Al Qaeda leader was found hiding inside the carcass of a dead dog are initially met with skepticism, despite Condoleezza Rice’s contention that " it was a big dog. "

8: Under pressure from truth-in-advertising groups, the Rhode Island Lottery names its new $10 scratch ticket " You Sad Bastard. "

10: In an interview with Tim Russert, Vice-President Dick Cheney admits that the Bush administration had " slightly overstated " the conditions of Osama bin Laden’s recent arrest. " Osama wasn’t inside the dog per se, " Cheney explains. " But he was wearing a dog on his foot, like a slipper. "

17. Actor Mike Myers, undeterred by the critical disapproval that greeted last year’s raunchy adaptation of Dr. Seuss’s The Cat in the Hat, agrees to star in the upcoming sequel Horton Sees a Ho.

23: A massive blackout leaves the entire state of Kentucky without power for 36 hours. In an attempt to calm a jittery public, White House spokesman Scott McClellan holds a press conference to say that " nobody noticed. "

25: Osama bin Laden attorney Alan Dershowitz tells the press that his client’s " uncontrollable rage " is a direct result of suppressed homosexuality. Homeland Security director Tom Ridge immediately lowers the nation’s threat level to pink.

November

5: Speculation that Al Qaeda may be losing some of its bite increases after the terrorist group moves its base of operations from Iraq to the Belgian province of Brabant Wallon. On a tape aired by the Arabic news network Al-Jazeera, a voice purported to be that of Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri cites " competitive property prices, good schools " as the reasons for the decision.

7: Buoyed by the economy and the decreased Al Qaeda threat, George W. Bush is elected president by a narrow margin. Bush is later admitted to a DC hospital after receiving a pat on the back from California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

11: President Bush announces that he will appoint John Ashcroft the nation’s first morals czar. Ashcroft orders an immediate ban on chicken breasts, turkey thighs, and rump roasts.

16: The New York Times Review of Books finds itself embroiled in controversy after a reviewer calls author David McCullough’s 862-page biography of post–Civil War president Rutherford B. Hayes an example of " bio-terrorism. "

23: NBC’s new show Who Wants To Marry a Corpse? marks the end of reality television.

28: The president’s popularity rating reaches 98 percent as the first video footage of bin Laden’s incarceration is aired. Some human-rights groups question whether the colon-cam was entirely necessary.

December

5: Howard Dean announces he’s quitting politics to author self-help books. His first effort, I’m Serious, Where the Fuck Is My Fucking Cheese!, fails to set the publishing world on fire.

8: Wal-Mart becomes the world’s third-largest economy.

15: Despite reports that North Korea is developing a Superduper Space Laser, Donald Rumsfeld insists that the Bush administration will continue to concentrate on overthrowing the government of Chad, a country which, according to Rumsfeld, poses " an immediate threat to the security of our great country, and so on and so forth. "

17: European unity takes another hit as French foreign minister Dominique de Villepin calls Lithuania a " silly " country.

22: Bush’s approval rating falls as news gets out that Osama bin Laden has escaped from a detention facility by posing as actor Jeff Goldblum.

23: As the holiday shopping season heats up, Howard Dean launches his own line of designer clothing. While his H. Diddy Flexi-Tweed running suits sell well, his sports jackets with combination shoulder pads/ear muffs are a disappointment. Dean reacts to the news angrily.

25: Morals czar John Ashcroft calls for a ban on Christmas, deeming the unwrapping of presents " suggestive. " Carnival Cruise Lines reports that it has received tens of thousands of bookings for its new Four-Year Cruise.

30: In the wake of Osama bin Laden’s escape, Homeland Security director Tom Ridge raises the nation’s threat level to vermilion with flashing yellow dots. " Just go about your normal lives, " says President Bush from an undisclosed location. " There’s absolutely nothing to worry about. Really. "