The Other Man

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend has a male friend who he has known for 16 years. This friend lives out of state, and is married with two children. Whenever this best friend comes into town, my boyfriend cancels plans to go out with me. This friend also sends me e-mails that are sexual in nature, suggesting he is interested in me. I am very upset by this since it is the third time it was happened. My boyfriend says he merely wants to spend time with a male friend, just like I do with my girlfriends. What should I do?

_Christina

Dear Christina,

It’s not unreasonable for your boyfriend to want to spend time with his best friend when he comes into town. At the same time, it is aggravating to have plans cancelled.

Has your boyfriend seen the e-mails or does he know about them? If not, you may want to mention this correspondence to him. Remember, though, that these two are best friends and setting up a "him vs. me" situation will not be helpful. On the other hand, if the e-mails are actually inappropriate, your boyfriend might mention it to his pal, and he may cease the unwanted correspondence.

No Expectations

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Eight years ago, I had a relationship with a woman that lasted about a year-and-a -half. It was wonderful. To be honest with you, she was the love of my life, and then I had to move away because of a family situation. We kept in touch for eight or nine months, and gradually lost touch, but she has always been on my mind.

Recently, I found out that she is living near me and is still single. I imagine that she has probably changed in a number of ways, as have I, but I’m sure in many essential ways, she is still very much the same. I would like to see her again, but I don’t have any idea how to go about it. Do you have any suggestions?

_Tony

Dear Tony,

You shouldn’t assume anything.

You have been apart a long time, and, as you said, you have both undoubtedly changed in some ways. Not having a sense of how she felt about you, it is difficult to judge the likelihood that you can rekindle something from the past.

My suggestion is that you get in touch with her via the mail. If you were to call or show up at her doorstep, she would be put in a very awkward position. You would feel awkward as well. Send her a nice note, inviting her to call and catch up on what’s

been happening with both of you. Do not profess your undying love for her. Make the note as open-ended and non-intimate as possible, because you just don’t know how she might feel at this time. It will be up to her to make the next move.

If you do get together, make it a friendly, non-romantic thing. Take

it very slow. That you have a history with each other actually makes things more complicated, since you will both be trying to figure out each other’s motivations. Who knows? It could be that she has been pining for you, and everything will reveal itself rather rapidly. But don’t expect that. Do expect that she is different in many ways, and may find you different in many ways. Good luck.