Hot and bothered

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m really jealous of my girlfriend. She works with a lot of young guys, I see her flirting with them, and it kind of gets me going. When she goes out with her female friends (most of whom are single), I start worrying and thinking about what they might be doing. She hasn’t ever been unfaithful to me, but she seems to enjoy constantly being surrounded by what I consider hungry men. She thinks that I make a big deal about this, but what can I do? She’s a hot babe, and she knows it. Am I wrong to feel this way?

— Big Bill

Dear Big,

Stop visualizing that your girlfriend is out with every guy she comes across. You trust her, right? You believe that she should have a life in which she enjoys herself, right? What’s going on in your head stems from your insecurity — not her behavior. Start using your imagination for more constructive purposes, like coming up with ideas about how you can enjoy each other. Enjoy that other people find your girlfriend attractive, and consider yourself lucky. Possessiveness is a real relationship-killer and it speaks only to our own shortcomings. Have some faith in yourself, in her, and in your relationship.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

There’s this guy at work and I really have the hots for him. We have kept our relationship on a "flirting" level because he’s married. I’m not sure if he wants to get beyond flirting, but I sure do. Should I be a little more aggressive and forceful? I know it’s probably not a good idea to get involved with somebody who’s married, but I really, really go for this guy.

— Bowled Over

Dear Bowled,

As a matter of fact, it’s definitely not a good idea. Get a grip on your nether regions. Among other things, think about the implications for your work life. Forget about this crush on a married person. For a little bit of sexual pleasure, you will almost certainly create endless amount of problems and pain for both of you. Keep your eyes peeled for someone single.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’ve been living with a guy for almost six years, and for the past three months, he’s been hanging around with this younger woman who works in the building next to his. They have lunch together, talk on the phone, and e-mail each other. He tells me that she’s really just a great friend, but I think there’s more to it than that. I’ve asked him point-blank if there is anything going on and he denies it, but he also has no intention of curtailing his friendship with this woman. Am I being unreasonably jealous or suspicious? He knows how I feel about this, but he pooh-poohs all of my objections, and I think I’m starting to sound like a nag. What’s up with this anyway?

— Jane Doe

Dear Jane,

This sounds suspicious to Dr. Lovemonkey. Having an intimate relationship with someone means that both parties should be concerned with each other’s happiness. If knows this makes you unhappy and is unwilling to alter his behavior, he’s not acting like someone who cares about your happiness. Why don’t you suggest couples counseling, and see if he’s willing to do that. Perhaps the suggestion will shock him out of his complacency. If he’s not willing to work on this, you ought to dump him. Whether what he’s involved in is a romance, a flirtation, or a merely a friendship is beside the point. If he knows it makes you unhappy and is not willing to alter his behavior, there’s something wrong.

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