Left hanging

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

A couple of times in the past year, I have met men at nightclubs and been swept off my feet. I have gone home with them, and although I know there is not exactly any promise or commitment involved in such things, I have been unpleasantly surprised when they didn’t get back in touch with me. Am I right to think that this is rude behavior and that maybe there is something wrong with these men? Is there something I should be doing to let them know that I’d like to see them again?

— Confused in Charlestown

Dear Confused,

We are talking here about what is known as "the one-night stand." These instant connections, followed by instant gratification, are not exactly subject to some sort of rules of decorum. This is not courtship, where there are presumed to be rules of behavior, but eruptions of naked lust. As such, they are risky endeavors and the notion that the guy you picked up (or picked up you) might have some obligation of any kind is not likely.

Basically, he’s probably seeing this in terms of what is known as "getting lucky." His sense of obligation begins and ends with the feeling that he has given you a good roll in the hay. This, of course, is a manner of speaking. Actual rolling in the hay is not one of the more comfortable sexual acts, as any farmer can tell you. This is why God invented beds.

This is an apples and oranges situation. The one-night-stand (the apple in this case) is typified by how it usually takes place in one night. It is also characterized by how those involved are usually strangers to one another. For many, most of the thrill is in how this is largely anonymous. The orange would be the sexual encounter preceded by a bit more rigorous exercise in getting to know one another. By doing that, the participants have a better understanding of each other’s sensibilities, personalities, and manners. With less anonymity, and more knowledge of each other, there’s more likely a sense of obligation.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Over this past year, I met a guy through mutual friends and was very attracted to him, not just for his looks, mostly for his great sense of humor and intelligence. Last spring, through a highly embarrassing debacle, three of my friends indicated that I was interested in him, and he told them it was a "bad idea." However, over the summer we both happened to be living in the same apartment complex in a different state and had the opportunity to really get to know each other. If I thought I was hooked before, I’m really hooked now. He’s the most fantastic guy. Now that we’re back at school, I rarely get to see him and I think he’s as indifferent (romantically) to me as he was before. So what should I do? Give up? Please don’t tell me just to talk it over with him. I can’t do that. I’m afraid it will ruin the coolest friendship I’ve ever had with a guy.

— C.L.S.

Dear C.L.S.,

There aren’t a whole lot of ways to disabuse someone of the notion that starting a relationship is a "bad idea." If you have let it be known, through the traditional means of what Dr. Lovemonkey likes to call "standard female wiles," that you are romantically interested in him, you’ve probably done all you can for the time being. I must, however, congratulate you on managing to find yourself "living in the same apartment complex in a different state," with this guy over the summer. This is quite impressive.

Sad to say, about all you can do is to continue your friendship with this guy and put the thoughts of romance on the back burner. Be upbeat, and if the mood and inclination strike, go out with other people. Sometimes that serves to awaken the other person to your desirability. He may come around to seeing you as a potential romantic interest, and then again, he may not. You can only do so much scheming to get someone interested. Enjoy the relationship for what it is — a friendship — and go about your life. You’ve done your part.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net