Timing’s everything

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been dating a woman, J., for the past three months. About a month ago, we decided to be "girlfriends." This was after much issue since she wasn’t completely sure she was ready. Also, I found out about that time that she had been sleeping with her ex. Nevertheless, I forgave her, and we decided to try a relationship.

I love her, but sometimes I fear we are not compatible. While we have many things in common (e.g., similar interests and educational backgrounds), she’s simply at a different place in her life than me. I am ready to settle down and have children, but she still wants to smoke pot, get faced, and stay out all night. The plot thickens — I recently met someone new. This woman and I are friends, but we are developing feelings. She is single, older, established, and looking to settle down in a relationship and have children. We have so much in common that it’s scary, and I often find myself on the phone with her for hours.

I am confused about how to handle this situation. Should I stay with my current girlfriend since I love her and have made a commitment? Or should I consider asking her to date other people and see my new friend? Although I love my girlfriend, I feel I have more in common with and would be more compatible — and (possibly) happier — with the new woman.

— Looking For Advice

Dear Looking,

The key here is how you and J. are not on the same wavelength. You are focused on settling down, and she wants to continue the party. I don’t understand why J. would think she is ready for a committed relationship. You have been with J. for only three months, which is not a very long time, but your instincts indicate you’re not compatible. I think your instincts are correct. You and J. are at two very different stages in your lives. Initiating a split may be painful, but it makes sense. Let’s hope you can continue to be "girlfriends" who can agree to pursue other intimate relationships.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend and I have known each other for five years, and we have been together for seven months. We both agree that this is it — the real thing. We have talked about getting engaged, and he is throwing hints that he is soon going to propose, but he doesn’t know that I know. Anyhow, from what he has told me, his dad seems supportive and happy for him, but his mom is furious! She tells him it is way too soon, he is nowhere near ready to be married, and that he has co-dependency issues, because we see each other four to five times week for a few hours. Hello!! Isn’t that normal?

He’s 23 and I’m 24 — it’s not like we’re teens or something. He wants to move in with his best friend, and she is flipping out about that, too. You would think his mother would be happy that we are not going to live together until we are married. Most recently, he got into an argument with his mom, and she said she would refuse to attend the wedding. This upset him greatly.

Here’s a little more information: he is the younger of two boys, and his older brother is gay. I just need some advice because this is really hurting both of us. It’s supposed to be the happiest thing for him, and it’s becoming sad and upsetting. Please give us some advice!

— Torn Up

Dear Torn,

This appears to be a case of mom not wanting to let go. See if you can enlist dad, who seems to see the situation more clearly and is not suffering from emotional insecurities, to talk to mom. This may take some time and patience, but do your best to calm her down. She will eventually come around and accept it all.

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