Get out of go

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a 34-year-old divorced woman with no kids. I got married in 1999 and divorced in 2003. It has been a peaceful year-and-a-half without my ex. The reason we got divorced is kind of complicated, but in short, he had no respect for me. I grew up emotionally abused. I find it hard to express my feelings and to trust. These are some of my issues. My ex knew about this stuff, but seemingly ignored it.

After the divorce, I wanted to put my life together, and that is when I met this new guy through work. He is different then anyone that I ever thought about going out with. We never defined what we are to each other. We can drive each other nuts — not communicating very well and pushing each other’s buttons. He is smart and knowledgeable, and sometimes he makes me feel stupid, which is one of my buttons. When I do not speak clearly, it pushes his buttons. I’ve tried to get to know him better, but it seems he talks only when he wants to. I have my life and he has his. We see each other when it fits his schedule. I think and care about him. I’m just not sure how to talk to him or even if cares about me, so I’m not sure of the future. What should I do to find out? He knows about my past, and has even tried to help me work though some of it. So I am just wondering if I should pursue it or not.

— Starting Over

Dear Starting,

Give it more time. Because you met and quickly started seeing each other, there was likely still some sort of hangover from your marriage woes. Men are not always very good communicators. Have you let him know that he sometimes makes you feel "stupid" and that this affects you in a bad way? He may be trying, but he’s probably not too good at it.

As I say, give it a bit more time, and if you still feel unsure about how much he cares about you, move away a bit emotionally. If he doesn’t come to you then and show more concern, it might be a good time to move on. There has to come a time when you feel more sure of your relationship. Perhaps you should talk about what you are to him and what he is to you. If he can’t respond, it would, again, seem time to move on. Good luck.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I asked this girl out on a date and she said yes. We went out and every thing about it was great. She even said that she loved it. She says she would like to go out again, but it has been four weeks since that first date. We still talk on the phone, but she’s mostly working nights. Then, almost every weekend, she’s at the bar. She still says she wants to go out, but never acts on it. I really like this girl, but how do I know whether she likes me or is just saying she wants to go out again to be nice? Am I wasting my time, or do I wait and see if she does like me?

— Waiting For Her Signal

Dear Waiting,

Stop waiting. The next time you talk to her, arrange for a date (day, time, and place) right then. If she still hedges, then, yeah, I’d say she’s just incapable of saying "no," and that you should move on. Some women want to be pursued, and some have a hard time saying they’re not interested. You have to find out which type she is, and trying to pin her down would be the best way to find out.

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