Slight of hand

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years, and he really loves me and all, but every time my birthday, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, or some other special occasion comes up, he doesn’t do anything special for me or get me a really nice gift. He gets me something small or okay (and always days after the actual event), and it just doesn’t seem special. This really hurts my feelings and I’ve told him so, but nothing has changed. His usual excuse is that he doesn’t have any money. The worse part is that he just got his younger sister an expensive present and something really nice last Christmas, too. He nonetheless doesn’t find any money to get me something nice. Am I being petty for feeling so ignored and unloved?

— Feeling Slighted

Dear Feeling,

I suspect (please correct me if I’m wrong) that the expense of the gifts given by your boyfriend is not the real point. Rather, it is how he seems to put no thought or feeling into them. I know people who give and receive rather modest gifts. That old adage — "It’s the thought that counts" — is true. For instance, if your boyfriend gave you something that he made by hand, an object of no great monetary value, but something that required a great deal of time and effort to make, this would be far more thrilling than a store-bought item of great expense.

You are undoubtedly connecting the dots, albeit subconsciously: if he is giving me thoughtless gifts after deadline, he is acting as though this is nothing more than an obligation; He doesn’t seem very interested in pleasing or surprising me. In other words, you think your boyfriend’s gift-giving practices symbolize his feelings and commitment toward you — and it doesn’t seem like much. You feel like he is taking you for granted, and you’re probably right.

You say you’ve talked to him about his gift-giving, but you should talk to him about the whole relationship. Good luck.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I think we may be a bit too hard in calling "Twenty-Two’s" (See Dr. Lovemonkey, November 12) fiancé a potential abuser. So he meets her at the bus stop, and calls her at work — some people may think this is romantic. He may be afraid she will have an affair, but no one seems to be commenting on how she IS having an affair. Let’s be wary of possible false accusations until we hear both sides of the story.

— Been There

Dear Been,

Dr. Lovemonkey can only make educated (and, in some cases, not-so-educated) guesses based on the information provided. But I would like you to reread this excerpt from "Twenty-Two’s" original letter: "He watches my every step, I go to work and he rings me to see what I am doing. He meets me at the bus stop after work. We don’t go out anymore because he doesn’t want other men looking at me." It is the context of why he is meeting her at the bus stop and calling her at work that matters here, and it doesn’t sound "romantic" at all.

We know that domestic abusers tend to be controlling types. Her letter certainly describes a controlling type to me, and while he may not be an abuser, I’d rather err on the side of caution. I have read and seen too many instances of controlling, jealous types suddenly spinning out of control and committing violence to ignore the red flags. On the other hand, I agree with you that the acknowledged affair of "Twenty-Two" is wrong. She should have broken up with the fiancé before getting involved with someone else. That does not take away, however, from how there are enough warning signs about the fiancé to warrant real concern.

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