Coming and going

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’ve been with my fiancé for one and a half years. He’s always been good to me, but when we’re around other people he puts me down and makes me look stupid. A few months ago, we got engaged, and things were okay. But then we got into a huge fight and I moved my things out to live with my mother.

We’re not engaged anymore, and although we’re trying to work it out, he doesn’t seem to be really trying. We were e-mailing each other on a regular basis, but when I thought he would call on my birthday, he didn’t. I tried to find out where he was, and his sister told me he was "out of town." He left without even telling me, and never called after that to say "happy birthday" or to indicate that he was gone. My family tells me he’s not worthy of my love, and that he’s not treating me like someone who loves me enough to marry me. I’m just looking for an outside opinion.

— Unsure

Dear Unsure,

I don’t have enough information from what you have told me. However, it seems significant that your family has some serious reservations about him. Obviously, they know him better than I do. It is extremely hard to turn your feelings off and on, and I realize that you undoubtedly have a deep reservoir of feelings for this man. That said, you should not continue on your unhappy path if he continues to treat you poorly. Ask him if he really wants to work things out, and if so, he should give some indication that this is the case. If you don’t see a marked improvement very quickly, say adios and work on getting past this as quickly as possible. I give this a poor prognosis, but give it one more shot if you really think he’s worth it.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have recently developed strong feelings for an old friend and she has returned these feelings. We have gone out on a couple of dates and even kissed. A couple of issues in this relationship cause me concern. The first one is that my friend just got out of an abusive two-year relationship. I realize that I may be a rebound, but I feel that we share more than that. I am there for her when she needs to talk, and I give her advice when she needs it. Do you think this is the right thing to do?

Second, her best friend is my ex-girlfriend, but we haven’t dated for about four years. I guess her friend has developed feelings for me again, but I am not returning those feelings. I just want to be friends. Should I talk to my ex-girlfriend about this issue (with the permission of my current girl), or should I leave it alone?

We’ve talked about this and she has come to the conclusion that it is just too much "drama" for her, and she just wants to be friends for now. I told her this was fine, but that I want to "keep the door open" once she has worked out her issues. She said okay and agreed, because, "You never know what is going to happen in the future." One question: should I take this last comment from her at face value, or is it more like, "It’s not going to happen, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings"?

— J.L.

Dear J.L.,

Back off. She’s not ready for a meaningful relationship at this time. You should move on. I think she really doesn’t know "what will happen in the future." See others and live your life. The time is definitely not right with this woman.

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