Going the distance

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been involved in a bicoastal relationship with a man I met online nine months ago. We are very much in love, but time, distance, and financial constraint are taking a toll. We have made a commitment to each other, but things seem to be disintegrating. To complicate matters, I am disabled and housebound, so my boyfriend would have to make any relocation. We have spent only five days together in person. Is this nuts? I’m starting to feel like it. I have heard so many stories from others involved in long-distance relationships that began online, both horror stories and tales of those who lived happily ever after. How can I make mine turn out to be the latter? Thanks.

— Hoping For the Best

Dear Hoping,

All romantic relationships face pitfalls. When people encounter the same problems online, they may attribute them to long distance. For example, many couples start out too fast romantically before getting to know each other. They say, "I love you" too soon, before they know if they really do. Slow down. Become real friends first. Find out about each other. Can you depend on this person? Does he answer you promptly? Can you count on him? Try to find out something about his plans — not just with you, but for the rest of his life.

You’re right to be concerned about the future. But don’t panic if a relationship starts to feel like it’s going downhill a bit. Sometimes one person starts to panic and throws the other one into a panic. You both become anxious and depressed. Take it easy. Don’t get upset. Most relationships don’t work. If yours does, you’re especially blessed. In the meantime, be happy. Try to enjoy what you have.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am 20 years old and 24 weeks pregnant with my first child. My boyfriend and I have been together for about five years, off and on, but we fight all the time. I seem jealous of his best friend, a woman who lives in the same house with him. I try to get along with her, but it seems like she always takes my boyfriend out and I get left out. I am jealous because they have slept together before and I am scared that he will sleep with her or someone else again.

Here is my question: is there any way to save our relationship? I love him so much and he wants to work things out, but I am scared that we will get into another big fight. We didn’t beat the crap out of each other or anything, and I didn’t get bruised (although he hurt his ankle), but we did shove each other around.

— K.

Dear K.,

Your situation has a number of very troubling dimensions. First, physical violence is wrong, wrong, wrong, and bad, bad, bad. Dr. Lovemonkey can not stress this enough. This alone is a reason for me to strongly encourage you and your boyfriend to get some immediate counseling. The jealousy matter can be resolved if the issue of why you have had such a turbulent relationship is successfully addressed. It is critical to deal with this now, because of two very big reasons — the physical violence, and you’re about to be parents. Your boyfriend has expressed to you that he wants to work things out, and you want to fix things. This is a good start, but you need professional help. Please get it.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net