Split decision

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am 30 and single. I have been dating a guy on and off for almost four years. He is 27, broke, and not quite ready to settle down. We broke up for a while because he moved to New York to further his acting career. He was gone for a year and I began dating other people. One of those people was a guy I’ve known for years. He’s 32, very stable, successful, and completely in love with me. He wants to get married, have kids, and do all the things that I want to do. He’s a wonderful person, and although I feel strongly about him, the sad fact is that I don’t feel fully in love.

This is because my feelings for the first guy are lurking in the back of my mind. He tells me it may be years before he could consider marriage, because he has yet to find any success with acting. I sometimes think that if I could just let go of my feelings for guy No. 1, I could maybe truly fall for guy No. 2. I have no doubts about No. 2, just about my feelings toward him. Both of them want me to come to some kind of decision, but I continue to be confused. I need some advice.

— A.C.

Dear A.C.

Guy No. 1’s relationship — the one with his career — will always trump his relationship with you. Those who have been involved with creative types know that their careers always take precedence over their relationships. My advice would be to work hard at severing your links to No. 1, and seeing, indeed, if, No. 2 is someone you can totally embrace. This will most likely take time, but it sounds as if No. 2 would be amenable if you made the split from No. 1. It may not work out, but I think that you should give it a shot and make the break.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am the girlfriend of a man who hates the holidays (Thanksgiving through New Year’s). This stems from his dysfunctional family, which does not really celebrate and tends to despise the holidays. They have never had family get-togethers that have been fun or meaningful. There was always tension, fighting, and resentment. My childhood was much more rewarding, and I have had the blessings of a loving and happy family.

This year, we’ve been invited to my brother’s for Thanksgiving, and to my mother’s for Christmas. It is more than a 125-mile car trip to where they live and we would stay overnight at my brother’s house. We did this last year and my boyfriend got so drunk that it was embarrassing. I have lived with this man for two years and love him very much. He has told me he is not going this year, and he’d rather stay home alone. I really want to spend the holiday with him and the family that I love. If I go and leave him, I will feel very sad. If I stay home with him, I will resent him greatly for missing my family. He has also said that we can’t have a Christmas tree except for in the garage. I really don’t know what to do, but feel that I can’t compromise or I will be mad at myself, and that would really suck. How can I share a holiday that is important to me with a man who hates it?

— Depressed

Dear Depressed,

You have to just cut your boyfriend loose for the holidays. Yes, you will feel badly, but it sounds like he is just too depressed and self-involved to do anything other than making the holidays miserable and uncomfortable for you and your family. Has he ever tried counseling? It would be good if he would consider it. I would think that since you live with him, there must be some other strains beyond the holidays. I would recommend that you both consider counseling. I’m sorry that I have no magic solutions to your tough problem.

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