Getting institutionalized

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am dating a wonderful man who I’ve been seeing for almost a year. We have a lot in common and get along great. My question concerns how he talks about getting married "some day." How long do I give a relationship before I should expect a proposal? I am 28, and he’s 33, so I feel I should give it a year-and-a-half, and if he hasn’t proposed then, I should tell him I’m moving on.

What do you think? Is this unreasonable? In my early 20s, I dated a man for five years, and I don’t want to put myself in that situation again. I’m not getting any younger, and I’d like to start a family in the next few years.

Right now, I don’t pressure my boyfriend at all. I never even mention marriage. Anytime it’s been discussed he’s brought it up. But I did tell him once in a joking way that he only had a year- and-a-half to engage me or I’d have to move on. I figure by that time you either know you want to be with someone or you don’t. By the way, neither of us has ever been married or had children.

— Confused

Dear Confused,

Setting a timetable on this thing was a wise move on your part. He ought to have a pretty good idea after a year of whether he believes that you are the one for him. Press on. Let him know that you are not kidding about your timetable. If he keeps hedging, he is obviously not the guy for you or is stringing this on because he’s looking for a better situation. Either way, he’s not sold on you and is not, repeat, not committed. If he can’t commit now and you call it off, he’ll either smarten up really quickly or revert to his non-committal ways. Give it a month or two after you lay down the law and the timetable. If he can’t make up his mind, Dr. Lovemonkey says that he’s a lost cause and you would do better to move on.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am in my late 30s, divorced, and began seeing a 41-year-old divorced man about a year ago. We have had our fair share of ups and downs. He calls me at least three times a day. Rarely do we go out on actual dates. Usually, I fit into his lifestyle by visiting his home or going where he is expected to be, at his request. I puppy-sit his dog and clean around his home. The problem is that whenever I talk about our relationship, he says I am "pushing."

I think that after a year I should be able to tell him how I feel. I love him, but when I tell him, he responds by saying nothing. Asking him how he feels about me is considered off-limits. He claims I do not understand. I have asked him if he will ever be able to say that he loves me. His response is, "Some time." What does that mean? I would like to marry one day. What can I do? When is "pushing" no longer acceptable but ridiculous?

— Mary

Dear Mary,

Fuhgeddaboutit. He’s using you. The whole situation reeks of low-level abusiveness. It sounds like you started off on the wrong foot initially and have ceded control. If you’ve told him that you love him and he is still acting this way, the relationship is and has been on the downslide. You’re acting the slave role. "Some time" means when he’s good and ready to reel you in and use you even more. Get out of this relationship. There may be some things about him that you are stuck on, but this has all the earmarks of a losing proposition. Things will only get worse. Move on.

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