Hands on

Dear Dr. Lovemoney,

My girlfriend wants me to spank her, but I’ve always been led to believe that it’s bad to spank children and other people. It seems like a violent kind of thing to do, it sends the wrong message, and I’m a little concerned about her interest in this.

— Gentle in Glocester

Dear Gentle,

Although your concern for the general welfare of children is admirable, your reaction to your girlfriend’s suggestion seems a bit too serious. Exchanging some power within a loving and consensual relationship can be a sexy thing, and this seems closer to the mark of what your sweetheart is seeking. If she were asking you to beat her silly, yes, Dr. Lovemonkey would be quite concerned. But there’s a world of difference between her desire for even a firm swatting and something damaging to her physical and emotional health.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My lover of 18 years walked out on me in August. This all started in April of this year while I was in bed, sick. The things that were done crushed me. I am generally a strong person and very spiritually minded. However, all my efforts to regain my spirituality, my trust in God, and faith have been slow to nil. I have sought assistance for someone to assist me during these times of sadness and distress, but it seems as if every door I knock on is slammed in my face. I am desperately in need of something to guide me spiritually, because I know that only God can fix this.

Are you aware of any organization or anyone who could assist me? Sometimes, the pain is so great that I don’t want to live anymore. I know there is nothing I can do to turn this around, and that I must give it to God, who can. It is the most difficult thing I have had to do.

I have seen doctors who recommend almost nothing. I went to my pastor, who recommended that I go to choir meetings. I pray daily, I trust God (as best I can right now), and I am attempting to keep the faith. Is there anyone out there who can help me through this? Practically all my friends have abandoned me since this began, and the sad expression on my face keeps me from going out and attempting to socialize with new people. Also, I don’t go out in this city for fear of running into my lover with someone else.

— Help

Dear Help,

Your need is far beyond anything that Dr. Lovemonkey can provide. I am not a licensed therapist or a counselor, so I am reluctant to suggest anything to someone who is so clearly depressed. If you begin contemplating doing any harm to yourself again, there is an organization called the Samaritans that may be of some comfort. I suggest you call them. And you should seek competent professional counseling.

I don’t understand why your friends have abandoned you, if they are truly your friends. Maybe they are frustrated because you seem unreachable in your sorrow. You need to try and reach out to them in a way that allows them to reach you. There must be someone you can talk to, but you must try to open up. If your lover acted as cruelly and thoughtlessly as you describe, acknowledge it as such. You have every right to be angry after 18 years.

I do believe that you have to start working on your attitude, though. God can work through you, but to be truly receptive, you must do things for yourself. Keep trying. Remember that many people have worked through chapters in their lives far more devastating than yours. There are people who have had to face the loss of a child or the horror of a terrible illness at an early age. Please get some professional help and know that you can get through this, but that doing so requires summoning up the will to be strong. Help from the outside can only be of use when you are receptive and working from the inside.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net