Fables of the haircut

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a very progressive woman with long hair who is thinking of cutting it short again. The only problem is, I notice that with long hair, I get hit on more by men than I do when I have short hair. I feel guilty thinking about it in this way, but I am single. What do you suggest?

— Hannah

Dear Hannah,

Let’s see if I’ve got this straight: you enjoy and want to continue "getting hit on by men," but you feel guilty thinking about such things even though you are a "progressive woman." Dr. Lovemonkey does not think that there is any reason to feel guilty. People like to receive validation from others, as they say in the world of social science, and getting hit on is one sign of validation, providing some people with a certain measure of confidence and that warm, fuzzy feeling. On the other hand, some take being hit on as a low-level form of sexual harassment. As Professor Longhair (whose formal educational credentials were as bogus as mine) used to say, "There’s a lot of confusement out there."

If you’re still worried about cutting your hair, you may find the Cecil B. DeMille sword-and-sandal classic Samson and Delilah (1949) instructive. As I recall, even though Victor Mature has his locks shorn in the film, he still looked like his hunky self, the heartthrob of many women and quite a few men. According to Groucho Marx, one of my greatest mentors, Victor had a larger bosom than any of the women in the film). Of course, Samson (Victor) lost his strength and got crushed to death by a falling building. I tell you this story for no particular reason, except possibly because I’m one of those guys who really likes the idea of Victor Mature.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

One of my roommates is seeing two guys, and each is in the dark about the existence of the other. The problem for me is that one often calls while the other is in the apartment. I never know what to do, and I’m sick of lying for my roommate.

— Feeling Guilty

Dear Feeling Guilty,

Obviously, your roommate should be doing her own lying. After all, she’s already got a good head start. I assume the lie you’re asked to deliver has to do with denying your roommate’s presence in the apartment. If you haven’t shared your discomfort with your roommate about this, do so immediately. If she shrugs this off, tell her that someone recently dropped a safe on your head, making you pathologically unable to tell lies. If your medical prognosis spoils roomie’s fun, tell her to answer the phone herself from now on. It is definitely rude if your roommate knows you’re uncomfortable and still asks you to front for her. It’s her situation, and she should deal with it, rather than forcing you to be an unwilling co-conspirator.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

What’s the alternative to "I’ll give you a call sometime" at the end of a dreadful date?

— H.D.

Dear H. D.,

The problem with the dreadful date is how it is generally dreadful for only one of the parties. If this weren’t the case, the whole thing would be quite simple – "Well, this didn’t work out," for instance, or, "You’re a nice kid, but I’m allergic to goats." Dr. Lovemonkey heard this last line in the seventh grade and has been waiting a few decades to use it. I promise never to do so again, but it’s my column, and there are instances when I must be indulged.

Anyway, you want to avoid hurting another’s feelings without signaling something false. A big mistake would be trying to finesse the whole thing in a clearly bogus way. If the other person keeps calling you, it would be acceptable to say that you just don’t have the time to go out. While this is a kiss-off of sorts, it’s less hurtful than most.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net