Truth and consequences

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I tell my girlfriend virtually everything — the good, the bad, and the ugly. I believe it’s important to be fully honest with another person if you’re going to have a strong and meaningful relationship. The problem is that sometimes she gets angry with me when I am so honest. For instance, my girlfriend got her hair cut not long ago and asked me what I thought of it. I told her I didn’t like it much. She didn’t actually get angry, but got really moody. Don’t you think honesty is the best policy? Should I start lying to someone who is really important to me just because it would be more convenient?

— Ed

Dear Ed,

Everything you believe, feel, or suspect is not so important that you should share it, even with your most intimate friend. Some things should just be kept to yourself. You’ll never know another person (or even yourself) completely, and to be bent on trying to do this can sometimes (regardless of intent) be destructive and hurtful. One of the benefits of a good intimate relationship is support. When your girlfriend gets her hair cut and asks your opinion, she’s probably not looking for an actual critique, just some support. In general, people need support more than they need complete honesty.

Let's say you’re walking down the street with your girlfriend, and you see someone else who you think is really attractive. Based on your standard of "complete honesty," are you going to mention to your girlfriend how good-looking this person is? Unless you’re an idiot, you won’t do this for a number of reasons. First of all, your girlfriend’s initial reaction would likely be to think, "Why is he saying that?" And, it’s a good question. Why would you say that? What’s the point? The only reason why something like this would tumble from your lips is either thoughtlessness or a lack of discipline. Relationships, after all, do take discipline — the discipline to observe what your partner likes and enjoys, so that you may help provide it, and the ability to interpret the other person’s feelings through his or her behavior and words.

It’s not a matter of truth, so much as a matter of what is and isn’t important. To Dr. Lovemonkey’s way of thinking, it is far more important and meaningful (and, I believe, honest) to respond to your girlfriend’s query about the new haircut with a banality like, "I don’t know — it’s really different," rather than some bold truth like, "It sucks — it looks like you shampooed with pine tar and steroids."

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

For years now, I’ve been looking for a guy like Elvis. I don’t mean an Elvis impersonator, but a guy like the real Elvis: the Southern charm, the great good looks, the soulful voice. As you can tell, I’m a huge fan and have visited Graceland a number of times. Am I being unrealistic in thinking there’s someone out there with the looks, soul, and charm of the King?

— Jan

Dear Jan,

No, you’re not necessarily being unrealistic, but remember the famous cliche that warns about "getting what you wish for." I’d suggest starting your quest at a local drug-rehab clinic.

P.S.: Dr. Lovemonkey received the following missive, responding to a letter from two weeks back in which the correspondent said he thought the Doc was "full of crap," because he was a bit too sensitive. The Doctor appreciates the support, Dennis.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I wouldn’t bother with people like "Mr. Casual." The guy needs a kick in the caboose from a father that probably was never around him in his formative years.

— Dennis

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net