Questionable recipient

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’ve been corresponding with a man who is incarcerated at the state prison. I would like to continue, but his letters have taken a turn toward the erotic. I feel so badly about this guy’s situation, yet I don’t want to get involved in a way that would imply romantic interest. What should I do?

— Sympathetic, Not Crazy

Dear Sympathetic,

I really, really hope this is someone you knew before he was in prison and that your relationship is generally that of being a "pen pal" (a designation with a double meaning in your case). I’d say the only way for you to continue corresponding with this person is if you explain your lack of romantic interest, and that this is an area where you and he will not go — period. This person might have many good qualities, but the vast majority of those in prison tend to have bad qualities in greater abundance. Also, prisons are not set up to strengthen what’s best — or challenge and combat what’s worst — in the guests.

Punishment and dehumanization are what prisons are about. If someone comes out less damaged and less dangerous than when he or she entered, it’s a miracle. And when one is in an extreme situation like confinement or incarceration, one’s fantasies only naturally become much more powerful than those in more conventional circumstances. In other words, the possibility that someone in prison will have a different and distorted understanding of the nature of a corresponding relationship is highly likely.

You should probably talk with someone who is more familiar with prisons and psychology than Dr. Lovemonkey. This is an area containing substantial risk and it requires specific knowledge.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have received a number of e-mails about penile implants recently. It’s not that I have such a small dick, but I’d really like to have it be really big. I’m thinking about responding to one. I’m up for it. What do you think?

— Looking For More

Dear Looking,

What do I think about what, Mark? That you opened a spam e-mail about penile implants? Maybe Dr. Lovemonkey is too suspicious, but I kinda think that penile implant spammers are scam artists. Unfortunately, they have reached their target audience with you.

So you’d really like to have a big dick? This is not surprising. You are "up for" something that may cost a lot of money, perhaps cause you pain, and conceivably create future medical problems — all for the purpose of having a bigger dick? The phrase, "Think softly, but carry a big dick," comes to mind when I think of you. It would be my strongest suggestion that you get the biggest dick the doctor has available. If you’re lucky, you will be able to reach it all the way around and sit on it. Even if this does not attract work with the regional carnival — an environment that would seem to be your natural home — it should prove personally satisfying.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My girlfriend has a big dog, a German shepherd. When we’re having sex, we have to lock him in another room, and he still barks a lot. She’s not going to get rid of him. What can I do?

— Ben

Dear Ben,

You could steal some lumber from a construction site and build a crude edifice in your girlfriend’s backyard. Then you and your girlfriend could have sex in this new structure. Call it your "Love Shack." It could get pricey, however, if you insist on installing cable TV.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net.