In the ear

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’m a chronic eavesdropper, and I’m starting to feel a little guilty about it. I know all sorts of things about people that I shouldn’t, but I can’t help myself. Is this an invasion of privacy? Is there any kind of help I can get for this, or should I just forget about it?

— Terry

Dear Terry,

Yes, it’s an invasion of privacy, but having all sorts of information about people is so much fun — especially about people you don’t even know. Although the opportunity to listen in on other people’s conversations is not the reason why buses were invented, it’s a truly compelling way to keep mass transit as a viable option. You could wear plugs in your ears if you are shamed by your guilty habit. You might even want to ask yourself, "How hard am I straining to hear the conversation between these two people?" In general though, I would say fuhgeddaboutit.

Unless you are taking extraordinary measures to listen, the people whose conversations you are hearing should be cognizant that they are speaking loudly enough to be heard. If you keep all of this personal information to yourself, are you really doing anything terribly wrong? It’s not like you are going out to discover the deepest, darkest secrets of people.

It’s nice to know that you have a conscience, Terry, but I don’t see any great harm in being a nosy bastard. Personally, Dr. Lovemonkey loves to listen in on other people’s conversations in public settings. Especially exciting is listening to hetero men trying to pick up (or, as they say, "hit on") women, although after hearing a few too many of these conversations, I must admit feeling great shame that I was a member of this same group.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’ve been spending a lot of time with a guy I used to live with. We broke up about three years ago, and for the past six months, we’ve been spending some time with each other. We are both currently in relationships with others. My "significant other" thinks that my maintaining a relationship with my ex-boyfriend is just fine, but his girlfriend seems to think that I’m trying to lure him back. It isn’t true. Also, a lot of our friends think that our rekindled friendship is weird. Do you think there’s anything wrong?

— Liz

Dear Liz,

Yeah, there’s something wrong with your choice of friends. Actually, that’s too harsh, but I couldn’t resist using that line. It sounds so definitive, and since life rarely is, I enjoy the opportunity to blurt out something so black-and-white. But with the exception of your ex’s girlfriend, your friends — who think that friendship with an old boyfriend or girlfriend is "weird" — are the ones who are wrong.

Friendship is the foundation of intimate relationships. And although I don’t know what the level of friendship was with your ex during your intimate relationship, it is completely possible to have a good, enduring friendship with your former partner without a return to intimacy. What’s more, since you both seem to understand that and seem happy in an intimate relationship with someone else, I don’t see what the problem is — other than that your friends are too conspiracy-minded.

There is, however, a problem if your ex’s girlfriend feels threatened. You should make an effort to become friendly with her if you can. She obviously needs reassurance, and if she doesn’t get over it, your ex will be in a very uncomfortable position. While jealousy and insecurity are not among the finest of human emotions, they are real, and dealing with them takes time and support.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net.