Hot dish

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My girlfriend is great, but she has a temper. One of her unfortunate (and occasional) habits is grabbing and smashing a stack of dishes to emphasize her displeasure when she is angry. We have been talking about moving in together. But since most of the dish-smashing has happened at her place — only once at mine — I think that our living together might not be economically prudent. Is there something that can be done about this?

— Tired of the Dustpan and Brush

Dear Tired,

Have you considered a bit of anger management counseling? On the other hand, I’ve seen many stores that have plastic picnic plates and dishes. If you must use breakable plates, check out the selection at the local Job Lot. This could reduce your expenses considerably.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’m dating a guy whose greatest dream is to become a midget wrestler. The problem is that he is 5’10", and in no way would qualify as a midget. I would really like to help him out with his pursuit, but this seems to be a problem without a solution. Can you think of anything?

— Eva

Dear Eva,

Dr. Lovemonkey can think of many things — most of them not exactly complimentary to those people who write bogus letters to Dr. Lovemonkey. Regardless, I will put my sanity on hold for the minute and pretend this is a legitimate letter. Perhaps you could bribe a traveling midget wrestling troupe (surely, such outfits exist in the increasingly diverse world of the 21st century) to allow your boyfriend to participate in its entertainment for an evening. You could also arrange a bout for your boyfriend with someone his own size and restrict spectators to those who are 6’5" or taller. This, it seems, would produce a similar effect.

Of course, you could insist that you and your boyfriend start dealing with what Dr. Lovemonkey likes to call "reality," but in your case, that would be a waste of time.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Is it my imagination, or has a much higher percentage of your correspondence in recent weeks emanated from people who, for lack of a better word, I would call "freaks"? Not that I’m complaining or anything, but it’s somehow easier for me to identify with people with more normal relationship issues and not necessarily the guy who hammers railroad spikes through his nose for a living.

— Guy

Dear Guy,

You may not want to believe it, but guys who drive railroad spikes through their noses for a living frequently have the same sort of romantic difficulties as guys like you. Dr. Lovemonkey takes it as a point of pride that we don’t discriminate in this column.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net.