Tribal matters

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been with a woman for the past five years. We truly love each other and have never considered anyone else. The problem is that my family is very old-school Italian. We are a large, close-knit family and they (my parents in particular) just do not accept Janet because she is black. This is not a problem for her family, nor is it a problem for me. But my family will not accept our relationship, and it has been less than welcoming to Janet. We want to get married and be together forever, but I am torn because Janet does not deserve to be treated this way. What can I do?

— G.

Dear G.,

If you want to get a sense of the timelessness of your story, check out Romeo and Juliet or the musical version, West Side Story. The story of tribal groups who will not open up to someone from another tribe goes back well before Shakespeare and is still (sad to say) alive and well in virtually all parts of the world.

You have two choices: tell your family that Janet is the person you love, and that if they can’t accept her, they are also rejecting you. Yes, the family could ostracize you. It may be only for a short time or it could go on and on. The other choice is to cave in to their wishes. Have la famiglia make all the decisions for you and end up like Al Pacino in the last Godfather movie. From Dr. Lovemonkey’s point of view, that would be a big mistake. After five years, it is obvious that you are not going to win them over without a bit of shock therapy (approach No. 1). If you and Janet truly love one another, you can’t let others stand in the way of your happiness. Stand up for love and against tribalism.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

For the past few months I’ve been having some really good sex with a relative by marriage. Did I mention how good the sex was? It’s just . . . so very, very dirty. But I digress. Even though we’re both single, a relationship is out of the question. She’s starting to get close. I’d like to excuse myself from the table, but my mouth is still full of forbidden fruit.

— Tabooed

Dear Tabooed,

Congratulations on having lots of good, dirty sex. So what’s the problem? If you’re considering blowing (did I just mention blowing? It’s so very, very dirty) this fortuitous deal by telling your sex partner how you’re merely interested in exercising your one-eyed trouser snake, that’s the way it goes. If you’re interested in sustaining this situation through deception, you might want to try the Penthouse Forum. Deception will always lead to an unpleasant end. You’re excused from the table.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My girlfriend has a big dog, a German shepherd, and I think he hates me. Maybe he’s jealous. I don’t know, but every time I go over there, he growls and I feel very uncomfortable. She says he’s just getting to know me better, but we’ve been together six months, and he still snarls and barks at me. When we’re having sex, we have to lock him in another room, and he still barks a lot. She’s not going to get rid of him. What can I do?

— Barry

Dear Barry,

The fact is, Ben, Fido was there first. You could steal some lumber from a construction site and build a crude edifice in your girlfriend’s backyard. Then you and your girlfriend could have sex in this new structure. Call it your "Love Shack." It could get pricey, however, if you insist on installing cable TV. Another suggestion would be to get an even bigger dog of your own and to bring him over to scare her dog. This worked exceedingly well in an old Tex Avery cartoon I once saw on TV.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net.