Out of sight

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

When my boyfriend of a year gets mad, he disappears. He won’t answer the phone, drops out of our plans, and generally leaves me feeling dissed. Any calls for rational communication are met with stony silence. I find his behavior insensitive, and, frankly, I’m starting to get a little sensitive about it. What’s his damage?

— Waiting to Talk

Dear Waiting,

This is something that Dr. Lovemonkey likes to call "immaturity." At some point, when everything is fine and you’re not arguing, try to talk with your boyfriend about how upsetting it is when he refuses to communicate. If he gets into a snit about this, suggest counseling to talk about anger and conflict management. It’s going to take some effort on his part to learn how to deal with this. If that doesn’t work, you’ll be stuck with this type of behavior as a constantly recurring pattern. Because of how we are raised, and centuries of conditioning, guys are usually a lot worse at communication than women. We can learn, however, if we are willing to make the effort.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been chatting with a guy for just over a month. I met him, and he is really nice, but he is nine years older than I am. My parents don’t know, and my friends think the age difference is a big deal. I don’t know if I like him that much, but I do like him a bit. I am so confused!!! Please help me. I don’t want to lead him on, but I don’t want to cut off this relationship completely. Please help.

-- Clara

Dear Clara,

The age difference is a relative thing. For instance, if you are 35 and he is 44, then you both (supposedly) have been official adults for some time, and the nine years is not necessarily a big deal. Sometimes, among adults, even greater age differences are perfectly okay. The key phrase here is "among adults." If you are 14 and he is 23, we are getting into serious Lolita turf (not to mention how the concept of "inappropriate" becomes further complicated by the element known as "illegal"). Since you didn’t mention your age, I don’t have a full grasp of your situation. But if you, Clara, are under 18, there is good reason to be cautious. Women tend to emotionally mature faster than men, but if you’re not yet 18, heed your friends’ advice and consider the age difference to be a big deal.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend works very hard, sometimes too hard. He has been coming home very late at least two or three times a week. He says he has needed to fix people’s computers. I have a hard time believing it, even though he has never given me reason to doubt him in the past. The hurtin’ part is that he doesn’t bother to call and let me know where he is or whether he’ll be late. I worry and get an ache in my stomach the whole time I’m waiting. I think he’s seeing another woman. But I have confronted him about this and he has assured me that he is not. I don’t know what to think. I’m so confused. I know I’m tired of wondering and crying over him. But I love him deeply, and he says he loves me. Do you have any advice?

— Tami

Dear Tami,

I assume that your boyfriend is in the computer fixing business. If he were a chef or a firefighter, your suspicions probably would be correct. Regardless, the crux of the matter is that he neglects to call when he knows he’ll be late. Tell him (and be very firm) that this is unacceptable. If he continues to ignore this request, you might start rethinking the relationship. His behavior not only indicates a level of selfishness and thoughtlessness, it implies that he is rather unconcerned about trust. There is no future to any relationship where there is a lack of trust.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net