Solve the right problem

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Although I’m married, I realized a number of years ago that I was still very much in love with another man, my ex-boyfriend from my teenaged years. We had a tumultuous relationship, always on again/off again. Although he seemed very sincere, I repeatedly had to break it off because of things that he did. For example, someone once announced that my boyfriend had cheated on me. I said I didn’t believe it and turned to my boyfriend, but all he did was look down at the ground with what seemed like a guilty expression.

Back then I was 15, and since it looked like an admission of guilt, I would storm off and he didn’t try to stop me. By the next day, I was so hurt and jealous I couldn’t listen to him when he tried to talk with me. He would pursue me, and I would give in. At other times, I would try to make him jealous, and he’d act hurt or ambivalent. I’m sure for both of us it was a case of being so young, unsure, and afraid of saying to each other what we needed to say.

The last time I saw him was when I was 19. He had his friend with him, and treated me coldly, as though I was some heartless creature who had done him wrong, though later that evening, after his friend went home, he sat down next to me and put his arm around me. It felt like he did it out of consolation, rather than love, which felt kind of insulting to me, so I kept pushing him away. I felt so hurt. I loved him so much, but I decided that I had to put him behind me.

A few years later, after I had married, we ended up talking by accident, and he told me he still had something of mine. I wonder now if it was his way of letting me know he still cared. Back then, however, it brought up all the old feelings, but I was afraid of being rejected. I pushed the feelings down and redoubled my efforts to make a go of things with my marriage.

All these years later, I saw a photograph of him online and wrote about it in a Web log. Several weeks later, I received a number of odd hang-up calls, and then one night while driving home with my husband, I saw a man who looks exactly like my old boyfriend, driving toward us as we were approaching our house. He was driving a vehicle with license plates from the state he lives in, from the other side of the country. I didn’t want to believe it could be him, but I wonder if it’s too much to be a coincidence. He hasn’t contacted me personally, though my e-mail address is on that blog and my phone number is not private. Please advise me on how best to deal with this, as it has just brought all the pain back afresh.

I’m not some bored, shallow housewife. I’ve spent the past two decades getting on with my life, not dwelling on long-lost love, but I never did stop loving this guy. I know that when I thought I was in love with the man I married, it was a case of recognizing characteristics he shared with my old boyfriend, and mistaking the feelings that this brought out for falling in love, but not realizing it until it was too late.

— Feeling As Bittersweet As A Jeff Buckley Song

Dear Feeling Bittersweet,

The evidence you present about your old boyfriend is not completely compelling to Dr. Lovemonkey. I think you need to examine your marriage. You have told me very little about why you find it unsatisfactory. If that is the case, you have to assess whether it is salvageable. My suspicion is that, because you are unhappy, you are thinking wistfully of this former relationship. Try to deal with your marriage, the most important matter at hand. Mend it or end it. At the moment, your old memories are an obstacle to be avoided.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net.