Sartorial splendor

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’m going on trial soon. I’ve been accused of running a stolen car ring. I am completely innocent, but know from experience that innocent people are frequently found guilty. My question is about what I should wear at the trial. I would like the jury to know I am innocent and want them to have a positive image of me.

— Big Joe

Dear Big Joe,

It would probably not be a good idea to show up in torn jeans and a T-shirt with four-letter words on it. Wearing a suit or a sports jacket and tie would be wiser. This is not because it will favorably impress the jury (Dr. Lovemonkey certainly hopes that juries are not making decisions based entirely on the fashion sense of the participants), but because it shows respect for the judicial process.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Recently, I was at a free buffet at a local exotic dance club when another patron, obviously intoxicated, was being loud and obnoxious. I ignored him for as long as I could, but he then returned to the buffet table, picked up a sandwich, took a bite out of it, and put it back on the food tray. I confronted him with his behavior. We both got very loud and he challenged me to go outside to the parking lot to settle the matter. Luckily, one of the bouncers stepped between us to calm things down, but the other fellow was allowed to remain in the club.

It seems that I was acting completely civilized and trying to uphold basic rules of decorum, while this guy was a lout and lacking in common decency. Do you think it’s right that we were both treated the same?

— Offended

Dear Offended,

Yes, it sure sounds like this guy was a pain in the buttocks. However, being a freelance etiquette instructor is not an easy thing, especially at an "exotic dance club." Perhaps you might have alerted management to the sanitary hazard when this guy returned his half-eaten sandwich to the tray. Then again, Dr. Lovemonkey is not exactly sure about the proper etiquette in emporiums that feature lap dancing.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Friends invited my husband and I over for dinner recently. The meal was almost inedible, but we managed to eat it. Obviously, we did not comment on how bad the food was. We are afraid we’re going to be invited back for dinner, however, and we would like to avoid it. Is there any kind of excuse we can come up with — without mentioning the food — that would get us out of such a social obligation?

— Lost My Appetite

Dear Lost,

The thing to do is to invite these friends over to your house for dinner before they call you back to their home. While everyone is dining at your place, you could suggest going out to a restaurant next time. If you still fear the food at their home, you might say, "Hey, I hear there are caterers that actually come to your home and prepare a meal. Wouldn’t that be fun? They could do all the work and we could just sit around and chat the whole time." There a number of ways to address this without having to bring up the food or repeat a bad experience.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net.