On the road

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’ve noticed that a lot of relationship advice columnists discourage women from going out with musicians. Why is this? We don’t all take drugs, drink too much, or run around with other women. Some of us are quite nice, thoughtful, and responsible. I understand that you were a musician for quite some time before you started writing columns. Could you please explain why there’s this bias against women going out with musicians, and perhaps you could also present the case for musicians more intelligently.

— Bassman

Dear Bassman,

Yes, I was a musician throughout the 1970s, and I understand why there is a negative perception of musicians by those who wish to encourage stable and strong relationships. I am also fully aware that many musicians do not abuse stimulants or run around with a succession of willing young camp followers.

Another reality, though, explains why many advice columnists are not high on musicians as ideal mates. Most musicians tend to travel to play their dates, and they are not always "there" for their partners. A good, solid relationship requires partners to be there for each other. I know that if I had married and attempted to start a family as a traveling musician, it would have been disastrous for the relationship.

Certainly, there are musicians who are stable and have regular close-to-home gigs that offer better chances for family life. But far too often, the life of a musician is not unlike that of a long distance trucker — another profession that makes meeting family responsibilities quite difficult. There is a reason for this skepticism, and both my experience and general understanding of the nature of the business tell me it is well founded.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a 13-year-old girl and I read your column regularly. I know I’m not ready to be in a serious relationship. I don’t want to be sexually active, either. Here’s my story, and maybe you can give me some advice.

I’ve been hanging out with this guy from school. He is really nice, really cute, and I like him and everything. We’re not, like, "dating," but we do go around together with a bunch of other friends. Last week he put his hands under my shirt and felt my breasts. In some ways, I liked this, but in other ways, I was worried and kind of freaked out. I don’t want to go any further. I know that he does. I’m worried that we will go too far, and I don’t want to do that now because (call me a prude) I don’t want to go that far. I also don’t want to lose him since he’s a really good guy. Please help me with this!

— "Sheila"

Dear "Sheila,"

If he’s the really good guy that you say he is, he should understand that you don’t want this now. Setting boundaries is a good thing. You should just tell him upfront that you really like him, but that you don’t want to get into anything heavy at this time. Tell him, "No means no," and you enjoy his company and hanging out with him, but that at your age, you don’t want to engage in sexual intimacy. If he cares about you and your feelings, he will respect the boundaries you set. If he doesn’t get it, tell him that you don’t want to see him alone anymore. I hope that he respects your wishes. If he doesn’t, tell him things are moving too fast and that you just want to slow down. Good luck.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEK@prodigy.net