Snow job

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

A few weeks back, I brought my four-year-old son to the mall to see Santa. He was a bit squeamish about sitting on Santa’s lap, so I got on Santa’s lap with my boy while Santa talked to him. After my son climbed off, I lingered for a moment and the jolly fellow suggested that I give him a "lap dance." To me, this seemed against the Santa code, even for seasonal helpers who work at the mall only for a couple of months. After all, a whole line of kids would have witnessed this if I had honored Santa’s request.

It is true that I am a young, quite good-looking woman, and once worked as an exotic dancer. Maybe Santa had seen me perform in the past and thought this was run-of-the-mill stuff for me. I just don’t know. Anyway, I went to mall management and had Santa fired. Now I’m feeling a bit guilty, because this guy might have a hard time finding and/or keeping jobs. Was I wrong?

— Confused Mom

Dear Confused Mom,

What I think you’ve done wrong is making up a completely ridiculous letter to Dr. Lovemonkey. Either that or this is part of the marketing push for the Billy Bob Thornton vehicle Bad Santa, which Dr. Lovemonkey has not yet seen (not that he’s making plans to see it, either). This sort of thing could possibly happen, but not on this planet. I don’t think Santa asked you for a lap dance. I don’t think you are a former exotic dancer or that you’re feeling badly about anything. But you might just have a future as a scriptwriter for the movies if, indeed, more films like Bad Santa are on the drawing boards.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been away at college this year and did not have the resources to make it home for Christmas (nor did my family have the ability to pay for me to get back home). So I stayed near school for the holidays. At first, I thought it would be a little depressing. I did speak on the phone to friends and family members, and felt a bit better about it. When I was talking to my sister, she suggested that maybe on Christmas Day, I could help out at a local soup kitchen or church, preparing meals for folks who had nowhere to go on the holidays. I found out about a local church that was serving meals to the homeless and other less fortunate people, and volunteered to help prepare and serve the meals.

I wanted you and your readers to know this was one of the best and most memorable Christmases of my life. I met an awful lot of very nice people and felt surrounded by a spirit of love that I have seldom experienced. I wanted to share this with you and your readers, and suggest that they consider volunteering if they ever find themselves in similar circumstances.

— Having a Merry Christmas in Providence

Dear Having a Merry,

All Dr. Lovemonkey can add is "Amen." Thank you very much for your letter and excellent suggestion. I would just like to note that, because of the number of people who are hungry, homeless, jobless, and otherwise in need, volunteers are needed 365 days a year. There are hundreds of organizations and agencies all over the country doing this kind of work, and they always need assistance and volunteers.

The bonus element that so many people don’t know about is exactly what "Having a Merry Christmas" mentions. By lending a hand, you end up receiving far more than you give. It’s one of those cliches that turns out to be completely true. Do yourself a favor in 2004, and check out one of those groups assisting those in need in your community. It’s worth it in every way. And seasons greetings to you all.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net