Getting the business

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My girlfriend is 25, and I’m 35. We’re a lesbian couple who have been together for about three years. Lately, we’ve talked about starting a business together, and she doesn’t want to do it without her ex-boyfriend. She wants to go ahead with this, but I think it’s fraught with danger for our relationship. Being friends is fine (he is a good guy), but he has no particular expertise in this kind of business, and the financial relationship is dangerous to me.

I’ve been in similar circumstances, working for friends, and things ended in breakups and ugly scenes all around. I don’t want to be part of it again, because I know how bad it can get. My girlfriend thinks my reluctance to get into the business has something to do with control — that I want or need to "control" her. That, of course, is not the case. I don’t want to see this whole thing go down the tubes. I’m very wary about mixing business with a relationship, especially when you throw in the ex-boyfriend and all the emotional added baggage.

Do you think my position makes sense, or am I just being overly cautious and paranoid?

—B.A.

Dear B.A.,

Actually, you sound absolutely lucid and reasonable. You make perfect sense to Dr. Lovemonkey, and considering the push and pull that has already gone on, there is reason to believe that — while you might be simpatico as a couple — your ability to work together in a business situation is highly questionable. Don’t screw up your relationship. Forget about going into business together. Your instincts seem to be very sound on this. It would be better if the two of you worked elsewhere and did not take this huge risk.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years. For the past six months or so, the only times we see each other have been when we have sex. It seems that he is always busy. I am getting a little annoyed and concerned about this. Do you have any suggestions on what I should do about it?

— Sex Object

Dear Sex Object,

Make a point of being unavailable the next time he calls to see you. It sounds like he’s in control of the agenda. You need to change this. After he’s tried to get together with you a few times, and you haven’t been available, perhaps it will sink in that relationships are give-and-take propositions. By this, I don’t mean him giving you the old hidden salami and then taking all your time.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My girlfriend has complained for months that her toaster oven is old and doesn’t work very well. I am thinking about getting her a new one for Christmas, but my friends tell me that doing so would be a big mistake. They say that you shouldn’t give your girlfriend household-type items as gifts because it’s very unromantic and crass. Do you think that they’re right?

— Wanting To Do the Right Thing

Dear Wanting,

In general, your friends are right. While giving your girlfriend a toaster oven is not quite as egregious as buying her, say, a new vacuum cleaner, or something else that could be associated with physical labor, it is not the most thoughtful gift. If she does really need a new toaster and has been dropping hints, you could buy her one (if you’ve got the resources), as long as you get her something else (jewelry, etc.) of a more romantic nature.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net