Hooking up

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I was really impressed by your ability to get a hold of Jesus’s cell phone number and make contact with him. I’ve met so many people who claim to be in contact with Him, but your Q&A in last week’s paper was the only time it really sounded authentic to me. I’m wondering if there are any other notables that you’ve been successful in contacting recently and if they have any advice for us, the great unwashed?

— Unwashed

Dear Unwashed,

I’m so glad you enjoyed our little conversation with Jesus. I guess I neglected to mention that this was Jesus Ayala of Akron, Ohio, rubber capital of the world. Anyway, I have also been in touch with a James Brown. I’m not entirely certain if it is the famous, pioneering soul singer (if he currently lives in Lawrence, Kansas, then it would be him). I passed along your e-mail, and his terse reply was, "Wash."

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a 32-year-old divorced man. I was married for five years and have been divorced for two-and-a-half years. For the first eight months after my divorce, I wasn’t interested in seeing anyone else and didn’t date or even try to meet anyone. When the pain and disappointment of my divorce finally started to fade, I started to go out with various women.

The problem is that I find myself being overly selective. With everyone I’ve gotten involved with over the past 18 months, I’ve found some sort of personal habit, belief, or behavior that has turned me off. My response is to sort of fade away and eventually break off the relationship. It’s not that I’m looking for perfection — I know that isn’t possible — but I find that the older I get, the more I become set in my ways and less tolerant.

I’ll give you one example. There was one woman who was very attractive and had a buoyant personality, but when we’d go out to dinner, she was always sticking her fork into my meal to taste it. Maybe some people find this okay or even endearing, but I think it’s rude. Am I being too picky? I know that my attitude has closed off a number of potential relationships with people who were perfectly fine. It’s just that they did things that irritated me.

— J.W.

Dear J.W.,

If your "eating off of my plate" anecdote is typical, I’d say you are a little too picky for your own good. Rather than letting bothersome things fester, eventually causing you to drift away from potential relationships, why not let your dates know (and try to do this in a non-judgmental, and if at all possible, humorous way) that you get easily upset by, for instance, people eating food from your plate. Say something like, "I know it’s crazy, but when your fork invades my plate, I lose my appetite all of a sudden."

Although you say you’re not looking for perfection, you do sound rather inflexible about some things. Take it easy and realize that everyone has foibles. More importantly, try to communicate to other people when they do things that you find annoying. Don’t signal your annoyance, but discuss it with them, and perhaps you’ll find that it’s not such a big thing.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net