Make believe

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’ve been reading your column for a number of years and I’m afraid it’s of absolutely no value to me. You see, I’ve found that the only reliable guide to questions about relationships with others, whether romantic or not, is our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. It is only through Him that we can find true happiness, fulfillment, and love, and columns like yours only seem to obscure this fact. You should give this some thought and decide whether to continue writing a column that, ultimately, can’t help anyone, because it doesn’t acknowledge Jesus.

— Believer

Dear Believer,

I understand your feeling the way you do. I realize that my column does not "acknowledge Jesus." At the same time, it does not "not acknowledge" Jesus, either. I did decide, however, to look up Jesus and ask him a few questions about the column (a mutual friend provided his cell phone number). Here’s what he had to say:

Dr. Lovemonkey: Yo, Jesus, I wanted to ask you a few questions.

Jesus: Shoot.

Dr. Lovemonkey: One of my readers wrote in, saying she thought my column was pretty much worthless and that the only way to find happiness and fulfillment is through you.

Jesus: That would be correct. As a matter of fact, you can probably follow this sort of reasoning into other realms. For instance, the ideal form of government would be a fundamentalist Christian theocracy.

Dr. Lovemonkey: Really?

Jesus: No, I’m just yanking your chain. The fact is that a lot of my so-called followers are out of their swinging minds. They get it into their heads that life is black and white and can’t accept the idea that many of the decisions humans must make are in a totally gray zone — what some might call "lesser of evils" options.

That’s just the way it is. What really irritates me are people like Jerry Falwell, who have made a business and built a fortune out of presenting the world as black and white, and then claiming they got it from me. Everybody knows you can interpret the Bible to say virtually anything you want.

Dr. Lovemonkey: Exhibit A, Mel Gibson?

Jesus: Don’t get me started.

Jesus was in a hurry, so we had to cut it off, but before he left, I asked him whether he thought this column is of any value. All he said was, "Laughing is good."

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been going out with an artist for the past two years. We have been talking recently about getting married, but I’m appalled about something he’s planning to do. My 26-year-old boyfriend wants to have a very large tattoo of the actor Don Knotts placed on his chest.

I’ve explained that, years from now, he might really regret what he’s done, and it might be difficult to explain a Don Knotts tattoo to future employers, but he’s determined to have this done. Also, I’m thinking that having sex with someone and constantly seeing Don Knotts on his chest might be a problem. How can I get him to change his plans?

— Artist’s Girlfriend

Dear Artist’s Girlfriend,

I think your strongest argument to your boyfriend is about the potential impact of the Don Knotts tattoo on your sex lives. Never having to take off my shirt for a potential employer, I feel that that argument has little power. And face it, anyone who’s considering having a giant picture of Don Knotts’s tattooed on his chest probably isn’t giving serious thought to breaking in as a junior executive on Wall Street.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net