Naked truth

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been impressed with your wisdom for the whole six years that I’ve read your column, except for on one occasion. One piece of advice you gave was so wrong, so heinous, so un-Monkey, that I must let you know, and ask WHY??? It was a while back — someone complained about a neighbor who walks around nude in his apartment. I laughed as I read this uptight complaint, and looked forward to the part where you tell them they’re insane. Instead, your response included the suggestion of reporting their neighbor’s offense to the authorities!

I don’t know what authorities are interested in home nudity, but that’s not what gets my goat. What shocked me was the idea that there’s anything to report. If I can’t be nude in my own home, that’s the last straw for this "land of the free." I’ll be going to the moon. Maybe the neighbor should report this obsessive peeping Tom to "the authorities."

Please say you were joking, or off your feed, or that an intern took over for you that week. I would like to continue my admiration for you and the few others in this world that make sense when all others don’t.

— Naked (And Just Try and Stop Me)

Dear Naked,

If the letter was addressing the case of a neighbor who walks around their home in various stages of undress on a regular basis, then I suspect the response to "sic the authorities" on the neighbor was a joke. However, this wouldn’t be the case if someone opened their door and "flashed the neighbors" or was running around naked in the evening with all the lights on, employing no curtains, shades, blinds, etc.

In other words, nudity in the home is just fine, but Dr. Lovemonkey doesn’t think that blatant disregard of the neighbors is so hot either. If one has to literally avert one’s eyes from a house, it’s a little much. There is certainly a difference in having the freedom to be comfortable and do as you wish in your own home, and thrusting it on others. I’m sure you recognize the difference.

Anyway, I suspect this was a joke, because I would be unlikely to suggest calling the cops on a neighbor unless a real crime was taking place.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Just this past week they had the Blessing of the Pets at a number of the neighborhood churches in my area. A month or two ago, there was the "Blessing of the Bikes" where motorcyclists (my suspicion is that a large majority were not regular parishioners) got their "rides" blessed, and I know in the summer there is the Blessing of the Fleet.

What is the deal with this? Is that what some of these churches are all about — blessing every animal and inanimate object they can find? If so, I am going to suggest at my church the Blessing of the Toaster Ovens. Since I live alone, I find myself relying more and more on my toaster oven for food preparation. It being such an essential element in my life (and that of many other single people), toaster ovens are good candidates, I believe, for blessing ceremonies. Will you join me in this effort?

— Mr. Agnostico

Dear Mr. Agnostico,

I certainly understand your skepticism. I do, however, believe there is some legitimacy in the blessings of pets and the fleet. Those who fish for a living, and those in the animal kingdom with whom we share our lives, are a source of goodness. On the other hand, the motorcycle blessing does have the definite odor of PR about it. Dr. Lovemonkey also uses his toaster oven, and, indeed, it might need more than a blessing to survive another year.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net