Burning up

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for almost a year. Since the beginning, he has encouraged me to stop smoking (I’m a pack-and-a-half smoker a day). In the past few weeks, he has gotten more adamant about this and now tells me that we have no future together unless I quit smoking.

Here’s the deal. I’d like to quit smoking and am trying to cut down. But I think it’s wrong for him to try to force this on me. I feel like he’s trying to get me to stop smoking for him, and I know that I have to do it on my own time and in my own way. I know this because I once had a substance abuse problem and understand that in order to stop, one has to do it for oneself and not for someone else.

I’m feeling this pressure that I shouldn’t, and while my boyfriend is wonderful in every way, I don’t think this effort is appropriate just as a way to please him. Am I wrong about this? Is there another answer?

— Just Wondering

Dear Just Wondering,

It seems that your boyfriend is seriously concerned about your health. This is not a bad thing. Certainly, your smoking is something you have to tackle on your own and for yourself, but I don’t see the "pressure" being exerted by your boyfriend as such a bad thing. I suspect he has your best interests at heart and that you suspect the same.

Don’t be upset by his position on this. You have indicated that you would like to quit. Maybe you could work out a timetable and discuss it with him. Sounds like he’s supportive of you, and if you’ve already been together for more than a year and he’s been willing to accept your smoking, he will probably continue to be supportive.

If you truly love him and he truly loves you, doing things that will improve your life are positive. Your concerns about who has the upper hand pale in comparison to the health benefits. It would be positive if you come up with a viable strategy to wean yourself off tobacco and share it with him. So, in this circumstance, please see his point of view and work on it together.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’m a 38-year-old woman who has been dating a man in his 50s for a few years. This is not a big deal, but he has what I would consider an unusual preoccupation with Ted Williams. All these freakish stories about Ted being frozen with his head lopped off have really rattled him, and I don’t understand how this is any different than your usual freak stories about show biz, sports, or entertainment personalities. What gives with his morbid fascination with Ted Williams?

— Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,

I’m assuming that you’re situated in the New England area. For people of a certain age (and your boyfriend would fit that profile) who grew up in this area, Ted Williams is a powerful and enduring icon. Not only was he, perhaps, the greatest athlete in the history of New England sports, but also a hero of World War II and Korea. A great number of tributes written at the time of his death noted that John Wayne was really trying to play Teddy Ballgame in many of his films and this notion has more than a little truth to it.

You are too young to understand firsthand the impact of a President Kennedy, an Elvis Presley, a Beatles or a Ted Williams, but, as someone who was born in 1950, I can tell you that it was immense. In recent times, I can only imagine Michael Jordan having the sort of god-like sports presence that Ted Williams represented. If your boyfriend grew up in New England in the 1950s and was into sports, Ted Williams would naturally loom large in his life. It was a different world and Ted Williams, in every way, was an authentic hero. Suffice to say, Dr. Lovemonkey shares your boyfriend’s fascination.

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