In limbo

Dear Dr Lovemonkey,

I was recently dating a girl who I met through work, and we started dating after she left her job. She threw me a wicked curveball, and I hope you can help me figure it out.

I have known the girl, who we shall call "L," for almost a year. Although she is young (20, to my 26), she is very mature for her age, and when I first met her I mistook her age for 23ish. When we started dating, she made it known that she until recently she had been dating a man who had been extremely abusive to her, even though she had previously told she got rid of him several months earlier. She told me the abuse was both physical and mental, and because of all the surrounding drama, she would be taking him to court to press charges.

Knowing this, I got involved with her and saw a very sweet and generally awesome person. Things were going great for about a month when both of us started dropping hints that maybe we should take this to the "next level." I was really pleased, since I hadn’t found a girl who intrigued me this much within the past three or four years. Then, within the next few days, she stopped returning phone calls and e-mails, and was a very different person when we talked. Naturally, I got a little annoyed and wanted to know why she was blowing me off. I informed her that I was annoyed and just wanted to know what was up, to which she became very snappy and made as if I had the problem.

I’ve run the story through some friends and they agree that I had the right to be confused and annoyed, and maybe the issue is not with me, but her. I want very much to continue with L, but when I talk to her, she seems very distant and unapproachable. I feel the problem is that maybe she doesn’t trust me or her own feelings to get involved. I understand this, and would like to help her, because I know she has been through a lot, but it seems I’m not getting through. I am willing to give her time, but I just don’t want to give up on her. Any suggestions?

— Good Intentions

Dear Good Intentions,

I suspect that she’s having some second-thoughts about "taking it to the next level." She may be a "mature" 20, but she’s still 20, and, considering that she has recently been in an extremely abusive relationship, there would be good reason for her to back off a bit.

You should back off a bit, too. Follow her lead on this. Her experience has probably caused her to distrust her instincts, which would include those about her relationship with you. So, just take it easy, let her know that you’re there for her, but let her take her time. You can only help if she allows you to, and she’s not ready at the moment. She will have to make the next move. For the time being, you should busy yourself with other interests and activities, because worrying about her will do neither you nor her any good.

It’s painful, but you have to walk away from this for now. She has to work it out on her own.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I keep getting e-mails about increasing the size of my penis. Do they know something I don’t know?

— Jerry

Dear Jerry,

No.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net