Apple’s iPhone was unveiled last week to much chattering and drooling. No doubt, it’s a beaut: gorgeous graphics, caveman-simple touch-screen interface. And what a paragon of convergence! Cell phone! iPod! Camera! PDA! Wi-Fi! It even comes equipped, as “Steve Jobs” (Fred Armisen, disguised in black mock turtleneck) boasted on SNL last week, with a clock and an on/off button.

Still, its rapturous reception has not been unanimous. The iPhone won’t work with any carrier but Cingular, and it’s trussed up by Apple’s restrictive “FairPlay” copy-protection software. Plus, I’ll bet that sleek, futuristic screen gets pretty smudgy after a few minutes of use. Never mind that it costs $600 and won’t be available for six more months. While you wait with baited breath, consider some other cell phones that haven’t gotten as much attention.

The iPhone isn’t the first device to eschew a real key pad in favor of the virtual kind. The Onyx, unveiled in August by Pilotfish and Synaptics, is a gorgeous slab of gleaming black. And not only is it keyless and touch-sensitive, but it responds to other arts of your body: when you receive a call, put it close to your cheek and it automatically knows to pick up. This one is still in the prototype phase and doesn’t yet have a release date.

The über-elegant Onyx isn’t swank enough for you? Then consider the Vertu Signature Cobra. Bejeweled with pear-cut and round white diamonds, two emeralds, and 439 rubies furnished by French jeweler Boucheron, it’s a steal at $310,000. Alas, only eight were made, so you’re probably out of luck. Which is just as well: imagine losing all your contacts and being out 300 grand to boot?

Maybe you don’t care what your phone looks like. You just want to use it to pump your enemies full of hot lead. The.22 Caliber Cell Phone Gun is for you. You won’t find this one at your local mall. These babies are manufactured in Croatia and Yugoslavia and then sold on the black market. Press keys five through eight to fire four rounds in quick succession from the “antenna” stub. And beware of wrong numbers.

If that ain’t enough functionality, consider a pair of phone services offered by Korea’s top mobile operator, SK Telecom. One offers a feature the iPhone sure doesn’t: mosquito repellent. This is accomplished via a downloadable tone that, in a sound wave undetectable by human ears, keeps the little buggers at bay. Or what about a phone that allows you to feed your pet from afar? Just fire off a text to a device sitting in your kitchen and it will not only release a pre-portioned amount of kibble for Fido to chow down on, but will transmit video of him eating to your phone. (Question: doesn’t this sort of defeat the purpose of having a pet?)

Or maybe you’ve had enough of multitasking. Head to SparkFun.com where, for just $400, you can buy arotary cell phone. Just insert your SIM card into the clunky black Bakelite carapace and turn it on. Sure, you can’t take it anywhere. Sure, it takes 30 seconds to dial a 10-digit phone number. But being contrarian was never so fun.

On the Web
Onyx keyless phone: http://www.cellphonebeat.com/entry/onyx-the-keyless-touchpad-phone/
Vertu Signature Cobra phone: http://www.techeblog.com/index.php/tech-gadget/310000-vertu-signature-cobra-phone
.22 caliber cell phone gun (w/ video): http://www.videovat.com/videos/1234/cell-gun-phone.aspx
Mosquito repellent and pet feeding phones (w/ two videos):
http://www.cellphonebeat.com/entry/shiny-media-intros-two-strange-mobile-phones/
Rotary cell phone: http://www.sparkfun.com/tutorial/Port-O-Rotary/portable-rotary.htm