War: what is it good for?
BY PHILLIPE & JORGE
Phillipe and Jorge are amazed that we're being pushed into an
unnecessary war with a two-bit country by Boy George Bush, the pipsqueak who
dodged the draft during the Vietnam "conflict" by not even showing up for his
National Guard duty in Alabama, because his father's cronies gave him a pass.
Now he's rattling his Luke Skywalker laser saber, abetted by Mr. Man clowns
like Big Time Cheney, Rummy Rumsfeld (who actually had the audacity to equate
Saddam Hussein with Hitler -- yeah, Rummy, we're still waiting for that Yemeni
Anschluss), and his pet poodle, Tony Blair, threatening to invade a country
that hasn't fired a shot in our direction. Guess this is what happens when you
have to protect your Poppy's ego, or make up for having let Osama bin Laden
elude us.
But as always, your superior correspondents have good advice for Dubya the
Dumb. We'll go to war with you if you make sure that the first two people to
hit Baghdad running are your twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna. They already
drink like Marines, so they'll fit right in, and your missus, Laura Stepford
Wife, is so zoned out on Prozac she won't even notice they're missing. We can
send Jeb's daughter, the one with the Xanax habit, who should love the
opportunity to tiptoe through the Iraqi poppy fields, if you know what we mean.
We'd also suggest sending Big Time's daughter, Elizabeth, but, oops, we forgot
she's an out-of-the-closet dyke, and has thus already violated the "Don't ask,
don't tell" edict imposed by his right-wing, moron majority friends. Full marks
for hypocrisy still go to Cheney's wife, Lynne, who pens torrid lesbian love
scenes in her novels, yet remains in total denial over her daughter's
commendable out-front declaration of sexual preference and advocacy for other
gays.
Although P&J are kidders, of course, we aren't joking in noting that the
young men and women who will be sent to Iraq to fight this bogus -- but quite
deadly -- war are the same age as the Bush twins, if indeed a bit more sober.
This whole attack on Saddam and his "weapons of mass destruction" is just a
trumped-up PR ploy to help the GOP disguise the corporate fraud of its leaders
and their buddies, and to draw attention from abysmal domestic policies by
hiding behind the American flag. Never has wrapping oneself in patriotism been
so shamelessly exploited, and the Bush administration cynical use of the horror
of 9/11 is beneath contempt.
So let's put our Whack Iraq Pack's kith and kin on the line, rather than the
underprivileged and minority warriors who will once again pay the ultimate
price. This while the Bushes, Cheneys, Rumsfelds, Wolfowitzs, Perles, and the
other rich offspring of the powerful watch it all on TV before heading off on
vacation to Cozumel. The United States has never fired the first shot in a war
(well, we did smoke a few Injuns as part of our manifest destiny, but that was
a while back, and they probably had it coming for not speaking English, killing
buffaloes, and designing casinos, right?). Now is not the time to change this
approach, lest we become as low-rent as those being targeted by the Bushies.
And the number of our allies in this venture is about the same as Dubya's IQ.
What's a few lives of our children, right?
Biting the hand that feeds you
None are more thin-skinned than those in the media, so it should come as
no surprise that our old buddy, Bob Whitcomb, the editorial page editor of the
BeloJo, got canned from his Channel 6 spot on the Truman Taylor Show.
This after his paper twitted the WLNE brass for hiring former Providence Mayor
Buddy "Vincent A." Cianci as a primary night analyst.
"Channel 6 decided to send the message that crime does pay," the Urinal
editorial stated on September 11. Such scorn evidently got the knickers of the
station's general manager, Kingsley Kelley, into a huge twist, and Whit's head
rolled. Although, as Whit explained, he didn't actually write the piece
(P&J see the paw of Edward Achorn being heavily involved, however), he did
take responsibility for it -- which he should have -- and not just because it
was dead on target. Kelley, who may well have invoked the idea of freedom of
speech in hiring the Bud-I for his one-night stand, showed his own true
commitment by not returning a call for comment from the BeloJo in time for the
next day's paper. A bit testy are we, Kingsley?
True to his reputation as a stand-up guy, Taylor said he regretted the
decision by management to ax Whitcomb, that he would miss his colleague, and
that he believed many of his viewers would as well. P&J also believe this
to be true. But since Phillipe was once let go from his spot as a commentator
on Channel 6's late, lamented Sports Locker in a cost-cutting move
(either his exorbitant, $35-a-week salary or Dave Layman's makeup kit had to
go, and Phillipe lost out), we can commiserate with Whit.
Junior high forever
We're sure no one ever forgets the dehumanizing deprecations of junior high
school, an institution that is to education what backyard wrestling on public
access cable television is to sports. It seems, however, that despite having
supposedly graduated into adulthood well over 30 years ago, P&J still find
ourselves stuck in a junior high school milieu. Recent evidence has been
abundant in the daily news.
Copping hum jobs in secluded spots has always been a particular obsession for
junior high boys, and so it seems, at the highest levels of state government.
As the daily drumbeat of Wendy and Johnny stories proliferate, it's only a
matter of time before Hardwood becomes Deadwood. Perhaps the constituents of
his Pawtucket district should consider mounting a write-in candidate to
challenge the Speaker. Any bonehead would do and there's already a campaign
manager waiting in the wings in the form of John "The Journalist" DePetro. Talk
show hosts love this stuff.
And how about the morons that loosened the lug nuts on the cars of David
Rogers, Republican contender in the First Congressional District, and some of
his staff members? The only way a right-wing nut case like this could possibly
upset Patrick Kennedy is if people think lurid and dangerous stuff is connected
with Patrick's campaign. Sounds like the work of disgruntled Klansmen, who'd
like to see ol' Dave get a hoof up on the congressman, or just your basic
junior high school punks.
Our next clue that junior high cultural values are running rampant is the
"rumble" staged by East Greenwich and North Kingstown girls last week.
Residents of these two affluent communities may have been miffed that none of
the reports bothered to describe what the combatants wore. Our experience with
females from these communities indicates that this should have been a major
part of the story. We wouldn't be surprised to find that there was a "Talbots
vs. Ann Taylor" element at work here.
Meanwhile, David Desjarlais, the police chief in East Greenwich, made a point
of defending E.G. young womanhood by thoughtfully pointing out to the Other
Paper, "North Kingstown won the rumble. These girls know how to curl it up and
throw one." The N.K. gals and their East Greenwich peers apparently also know
how to use hi-tech accessories to preserve the integrity of the ancient art of
teen rumbles.
Finding that their makeshift arena had already been uncovered by the cops, the
girls used their cell phones to alert their rivals to the changed location.
According to the BeloJo, "Since the North Kingstown teens didn't know the way,
the East Greenwich students helped guide them to the location with their cell
phones." Too bad there wasn't more time for prep; the kids could have used
MapQuest on the Internet for more exact instructions.
My old Kentucky bone
Since we've already mentioned Puckygate, it would be unfair not to point out
that the political sex scandal is also alive and well in other parts of this
great nation. The governor of Kentucky (whose capital is the aptly named
Frankfort), Paul Patton, has found himself in a compromising position after
acknowledging, in a teary-eyed press conference last Friday, September 20, that
he had an extra-marital affair with a woman who did business with the state.
She is now accusing him of sexual harassment.
Tina Boyd Conner, who owned a nursing home in western Kentucky, claims that
while carrying on her affair with Patton, he used his powers to shower her
business with state support. When they broke it off, she says, the governor
retaliated by sending teams of state inspectors to the home, where they found
enough violations to disqualify the business for Medicare and Medicaid, and
eventually force her into bankruptcy. She also says that Patton harassed her
with lewd phone calls.
How did Patton react? He denied everything for a week until the Louisville
Courier-Journal ferreted out a five-year record of 440 telephone calls
from the governor's office to Ms. Conner. Two investigations are looming with
the Kentucky State Ethics Commission looking into whether Patton provided
special assistance to Conner while they were doing the pretzel. We'd love to
wrap this all up with some sort of, "and the moral of this story is . . . ,"
but, frankly, we can't think of one.
Kudos and congrats . . .
. . . to state representatives Richard Fleury and P&J's former
colleague in the alternative newspaper trade, Nicky Gorham, for their wonderful
Animal Farm take on the State House powers-that-be in the Urinal of
September 23. With tongues firmly in cheek, Fleury and Gorham skewered the
leadership at Halitosis Hall, ably abetted by the words of George Orwell. A
brilliant bit of satire. Hopefully, it will help to further boost the
separation of powers debate on Smith Hill - the one currently getting more
people to find religion than a Reverend Billy Swaggart tent revival. Nice work,
guys.
Send word of inside deals and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.
Issue Date: September 27 - October 3, 2002
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