A common cause
BY PHILLIPE & JORGE
Hats off once again to Common Cause of Rhode Island, this time for its latest
report card on the General Assembly. The survey, based on 43 votes over the
past two legislative sessions, exposed pretty much what anyone who follows the
action at Halitosis Hall already knows. But gosh ain't it nice to see it in
banner headlines and living color across the front page of the Urinal.
State Representative Bambilyn Cambio from Nawt Prov received the worst score
in the entire Assembly, with a mere 17.4 percent, but she's generally
recognized as suffering from a Vo Dilun version of Mad Cow Disease. And one
could predict that the unspeakable martinet of the wheelings and dealings on
Smith Hill, House Speaker Pucky Harwood, would rank right near the bottom,
along with his cronies.
Harwood's record as a "reformer" (honk!) was defended by his chief of staff,
Frank Anzeveno, who told the BeloJo, "As [Common Cause executive director Phil
West] notes, the speaker came in as a reformer, and one's political career is
not measured in a very small snapshot, but as a total career." Yes, Frank, and
the sum of that career to date is Harwood's image as a heavy-handed hack who
has been lining his own pockets, getting jobs for his wife and buddies so they
can suck on the state tit.
One nice feature of the survey was Common Cause pointing out that the House
Judiciary Committee has become a "killing ground" for proposals to separate the
powers of the legislative and executive branches of government, a reform that
Harwood wants about as much as a knitting needle in his ear. Needless to say,
the committee is chaired by one of Pucky's chosen few, reactionary Neanderthal
Robert Flaherty from Wahwick, a Harwood butt boy of the first water, who
claimed a sterling (cough) 55.6 percent rating. The Judiciary Committee and the
entire House have always been obstructionists, despite some good open
government measures passed by the Senate, which end up sinking like a stone
when they hit the four-legged side of the State House.
While Common Cause is indeed a special interest group, and uses the survey to
advance its own issues, P&J agree wholeheartedly with the outlook taken by
our fragrant and intelligent friend, state Senator Teresa Paiva-Weed, who
received a perfect score of 100: "I don't always agree with everything Common
Cause says. But I do agree with the principle they stand for -- that government
needs to be accountable to the public."
That's all we're asking for, learned legislators.
Girl's brain function interrupted
We're sure that all of you fanatical show biz mavens out there have been
gobbling up as much information possible on the Angelina Jolie/Billy Bob
Thornton split. And we're certain the same thoughts that have crossed your
minds have been expressed quite eloquently at Casa Diablo. To wit, "Such a
shocking thing to happen to a couple of level-headed kids, huh!"
But the plot thickens. One of our favorite gossipseuse's, Jeanette Walls, who
contributes to MSNBC, reported on Tuesday, July 30, that Angelina is extremely
concerned about the whereabouts and condition of some of her blood. As you'll
recall, one of the more touching moments in the Angelina/Billy Bob story was
when they exchanged vials of blood at their wedding.
Jolie's concern stems from the fact that Billy Bob's mother is a "professional
psychic" (wonder if she pals around with Sylvester Stallone's mom?), and
Angelina is concerned that, if Momma gets her cloven hoofs on the blood, she
might use it to "put a curse on her." According to the London Sun, Billy
Bob told Jolie, "As long as I have your blood, I'll always have control of
you."
Say what you will about our modern show biz stars, but here are a couple of
kids who just can't help entertaining the living shit out of us, on or off the
screen.
Older girl's brain function interrupted
Much as your superior correspondents just adore the great Elaine
Stritch, the toast of Broadway thanks to her hit one-woman show, Elaine
Stritch at Liberty, it seems the 76-year-old stage legend is "feeling the
presh."
In May, she shocked the world by beating out Angelina and Billy Bob for the
USO's "Entertainer of the Year Award." At the awards ceremony, she appeared
with curlers and a kerchief on her head. Since then, she's called the
organization repeatedly and demanded reimbursement for the $1000 in "makeup"
she wore during the ceremony.
It was also reported that Elaine demanded the CBS television network, after it
cut to a commercial in the middle of her Tony acceptance speech, "Go fuck
itself."
The Great Dame has apologized in a way, arguing that she's been tired and
emotional, but obviously not in the traditional sense, as she stopped drinking
many years ago.
Dubya's mid-term election strategy
Much as we love John and Tex, our favorite Ritter is undoubtedly, Scott,
the ex-Marine and former UN weapons inspector in Iraq. In a recent speech,
Ritter claimed, "The Third Marine Expeditionary Force in California is
preparing to have 20,000 Marines deployed to Iraq for ground combat operations
by mid-October." Ritter further claims that the Air Force is preparing three
expeditionary wings, also slated for Iraq in mid-October. When asked if the
mid-October date had anything to do with mid-term congressional elections,
Ritter replied, "Everything."
Quote of the week
As veterans of Woodstock, Phillipe and Jorge always keep an eye on music
festivals to see what the 'utes of today are up to. This includes the EXIT
festival this month in Novi Sad, Serbia, which drew more than 300,000 visitors
to the city. Despite being run by two 24-year-olds, the first EXIT-style
festival they put on lasted 100 days, "mutating into one of the mass political
protests in the fall of 2000 that culminated in the downfall of President
Slobodan Milosevic of Yugoslavia," the New York Times reported.
" `We really moved society,' said Mr. Boskovic, his eyes alive with an
infectious energy," the Times noted. " `I can't explain what it feels
like to get 15,000 people singing, `Save Serbia and kill yourself to
Milosevic.' "
Sing out, kids. Maybe the aging war criminal can hear you in The Hague. Now
about the brown acid . . .
Kudos and congats . . .
. . . to the rescued miners in Pennsylvania and their families, but
especially to those who saved the miners' lives, in what is easily the story of
the year. The fact that the rescuers could accurately predict where the miners
would be, and then drill down nearly 300 feet and hit the nail on the head, was
an engineering and intellectual miracle.
The whole scenario should be part of an educational curriculum. It contained a
spectrum of elements, from precise engineering (drilling down right on the nose
to the spot, and then using air pressure to restrict the level of the water) to
the best available science (more than 50 Navy specialists were on hand to gauge
the pressure below and figure how the miners could best be retrieved and
decompressed, a trick likened to rescuing people off a submarine). There was
also prescient gut-level informed guesswork -- where would you run in a
flooding shaft? -- and an incredible human interest story (the miners huddling
together to keep warm, tying themselves to one another so no one floated away,
and then writing last words to their relatives). Even corporate fraud, our
current flavor of the month, figured in the fray. Turns out the coal companies
lied 50 years ago about where and how far they were actually digging
underground, because it exceeded their permit, leading to faulty government
maps that almost cost nine men their lives. They lived, we learned. Nine for
nine.
. . . to Tim Russert, host of Meet the Press, for publicly undressing
Treasury Department Secretary Paul O'Neill on his Sunday show. Russert's
persistent questioning left Bono's new best friend flopping around desperately
and exposed as a blatant obfuscator. His transparent lies and defense of the
Bush administration's economic policies would be embarrassing if O'Neill and
the Dubya tribe he was trying to defend weren't so loathsome. Way to go, Timmy.
Next let's bring Big Time Cheney to the plate with his Halliburton earnings for
a good dusting.
. . . to disgraced former US Representative James Traficant, for his
inadvertently hilarious appearance on Imus In the Morning on July 29, a
masterpiece of buffoonery. Facing sentencing the next day, an obviously tired
and emotional (at 8 a.m.) Traficant rambled all over the place in his
conversation with Imus and managed to use the "F" word with regard to the CIA.
If it was possible to inject him with a tranquilizer dart over the phone,
someone would have done so before the disgraced legislator abruptly hung up. As
Imus pointed out, if the preposterously toupeed Traficant didn't like hearing
what he was getting on the air, wait until his cellmate starts saying, "Do my
laundry, bitch." Have a nice day, Jimmy.
Send congressional pensions and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.
Issue Date: August 2 - 8, 2002
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