The upcoming National Association of Secretaries of State, which will take
place in the Biggest Little July 26-30 and is being hosted by our own Edward
Inman, Pucky Harwood's hockey-playing chum, has been an ongoing source of
amusement to P&J.
Matt Brown, Inman's Democratic primary challenger, this week reheated the
controversy surrounding the fundraising and expenses for the event. The Urinal
then took time to note that one item on the conference agenda is, "Managing the
Media When Your Boss is Running for Re-Election." Although Inman was never
actually voted into the position of secretary of state, being instead Harwood's
hand-picked successor to Jim Langevin at mid-term after the latter was elected
to Congress, we can assume that this applies to him as well. And if we can take
any cues from how he and his staff have "managed" the media in the past (and
boy, do reporters love to be told they're being led around by the nose), we
imagine their sage advice might go something like this:
1) Give an exclusive news story to one TV station, where your spokesman
formerly worked, at the expense of the rest of the pack. Not only does this
manage to infuriate all those left out, it virtually guarantees your boss will
receive not one iota of positive local media coverage from that day forward.
Those who were wronged may also investigate your candidate's background, dating
back to his first day at kindergarten.
2) When claims are made that your boss's chief of staff is shifty as a
shithouse rat, deny he's been involved in any wrongdoing, such as cutting an
insider deal with one of his cronies to make big bucks off conference
fundraising.
3) One day later, have your boss fire the chief of staff. Have the boss claim
he's shocked, shocked that an employee has been using his office as a
personal money machine for him and his cronies, including the mysterious hire
of a former NHL hockey player who lives in Massachusetts, whose duties are
unknown. Nothing like a boss being exposed as totally clueless to inspire voter
confidence.
4) Have the head honcho thunder that he's not going to honor any handshake
deals between his former chief of staff and his fundraiser pal, because it was
unapproved and there's nothing on paper to make it a legal agreement.
5) Announce later that the fundraiser will probably receive around 20 percent
of the donations and contributions that he's brought in -- currently about
$100,000. This translates to a fast $20K for Mr. Friend of the Chief of Staff.
People respect a man of his word, at least until he consults with his lawyers
about possibly being sued.
6) Put a seminar entitled "Managing the Media When Your Boss is Running for
Re-Election" in a prominent place on your national conference agenda. Expect
glowing reports.
Better start polishing that resume, Eddie.
FYI
Disclosure: Jorge, aka Rudy Cheeks, has taken a job with the Paolino for Mayor
campaign. Henceforth, he will not be reporting, commenting, or providing
information on that particular race or Providence-based politics in general. If
something excessively ludicrous or ridiculous occurs (past history indicates
this is more than likely) in Our Little Towne in the coming weeks, Phillipe
will deliver the goods, a fact that we will note at the time. We at Casa Diablo
believe that there's plenty of other goofy stuff to report on, so Jorge need
not deal with what would be an obvious conflict of interest.
A matter of review
As when the Supremes reviewed separation of powers, we're told that the
Providence City Council's recent attempt to create a civilian review board for
the city's troubled police department doesn't pass legal muster. Both the City
Charter, which gives disciplinary power to the public safety commissioner, and,
more perniciously, the Law Enforcement Officers Bill of Rights (more correctly,
"The Law Enforcement Officers Bill of More Rights than Anybody Else),
apparently conflict with the establishment of a citizens' review board.
Well, say it's true. When and how do we change the laws? Is the police union
so omnipotent that we can't do a thing about the the LEO Bill of Rights (this
would be our favored acronym, despite the implication to longtime inhabitants
of Our Little Towne that the law must have something to do with drinking to
excess and nefarious water closet proclivities.). There's got to be a solution,
but first there must be the will to try and find a solution.
The majority on the council is right about this one: we should have some sort
of civilian review. Are there not incidents of police misconduct? Are not
checks and balances a cherished American principle? Your bet your swinging
buttocks. Would terminal hind-leggers like Peter Flynn have hung in there at
the PD, for as long as he has, if there were a civilian review board 10 years
ago? Does anyone doubt for a minute that minorities have suffered
disproportionately from police misconduct and brutality? Wake up and smell the
Kevlar, people.
Do you take this bullet . . .
Now that the US Armed Forces have demonstrated their expertise in bombing
Afghan wedding parties, and Providence Mayor Buddy "Vincent A." Cianci has
rejected the public's call for a civilian review board, Phillipe and Jorge
discovered an amusingly relevant vignette. On May 10, the African Times
had the following report, as noted in the English magazine, Private
Eye:
This is all most unfortunate," a spokesman for the Nigerian police force
admitted to reporters in Onitcha, "especially as this should be a time of
celebration. The fact is, the four policemen were only here at all because they
had been hired to provide security for the wedding by the groom, Francis
Okonkwo. Or rather, I should say, by the late Francis Okonkwo.
As is customary after the service, the officers took out their guns and fired
shots into the air as a mark of respect to the new couple. But, possibly due to
the influence of alcohol, their aim was slightly berserk, and they very much
appear to have killed Mr. Okonkwo and his wife, along with the organist,
another man who was representing the father-in-law, and someone who hadn't even
been invited. Of course, we take this matter very seriously, and if we can find
out which of the four policemen fired the fatal shots, take it from me, this
will be the last wedding he attends for some time. From now on, it will be
traffic duty only for him.
Until he goes on disability leave, had the incident involved a Providence
cop.
Ignore those pesky statistics on the other half of the screen
Phillipe and Jorge got an excited call from a friend in DC on July 15, telling
us that MSNBC was treating the nation to a split-screen shot of George
"Corporate Fraud" Bush claiming the economy was coming back, just as the Dow
Jones was falling into the basement. Although the Dow staged a recovery after
almost being KOed, the image was perfect for exposing the Dubya's desperate and
empty rhetoric.
And what imagery he used. At least he drew on analogies with which he was
quite familiar, enabling them to survive his usual rambling and incoherent
speech patterns: "America must get rid of the hangover that we now have as a
result of the binge, the economic binge we just went through. We were in a land
of -- there was endless profit, there was no tomorrow when it came to, you
know, the stock market markets and corporate profits. And now we're suffering a
hangover."
Who's writing the president's speeches these days? Karl Rove and Dubya's
party-hearty daughters? Perhaps in the future we can have Poppy's Frat Boy
drawing word pictures like, "The economy is currently choking on a pretzel, and
we cannot allow it to lose consciousness and fall down and crack its head on a
coffee table. Because maybe Alan Greenspan won't be around to hide the beer
cans before the EMTs arrive like a vigilant member of the Secret Service."
Make yours a double, America.
Ask us anything!
Since you often wax nostalgic about the "late, lamented Leo's," a watering
hole with which I was also familiar, I was curious as to whether you could help
me out with some information about a delectable dish there - sautéed
chicken livers over pasta -- that a friend and I thoroughly enjoyed. My buddy
and I sometimes reminisce about this fantastic flavor phenomenon and we'd love
to replicate it. Thanks!
-- Ed, The Chicken Liver Lover
Ed, you and your pal must have been the only people who ever ordered
sautéed chicken livers over pasta. P&J remember the dish, but we
were more likely to go with the Sport Fisher sandwich, spinach casserole, or
the old standby, chili. It's possible we could help you, but, frankly, we don't
want to because we really hated those sautéed chicken livers over
pasta.
However, because we at Casa Diablo are basically muchachos buenos,
we'll tell you that the legendary Head Ramrod of the Leo's kitchen, She Who
Knew All and Saw All, The Mighty Linda, can sometimes be found in the vicinity
of Olga's Cup & Saucer on Point Street in Providence. If you can establish
your bona fides to her satisfaction, she might give you some insight into the
secrets of sautéed chicken livers over pasta.
Who in the world sings the version of "I Only Have Eyes for You" in the
Lipitor commercial? I tried lipitor.com, but there's no way to send them an
e-mail about this, just how to sign up to get more info on Lipitor. Please
help! This is driving me nuts!
-- Kevin in Rumford
Why would you even want to know? It's obvious that this version sucks and
should be avoided at all costs. If you were to ask us to analyze the sound of
the Lipitor version, we would have to say, "Mel Torme experiencing tone
deafness and low-level pain after just having been slapped silly by Columbia
A&R chief, Mitch Miller, who has taken umbrage because Mel refused to
record `A Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall' with an all-male chorus." We
don't know if this is true, it's just what we hear.
As everybody knows, the genius version of "I Only Have Eyes for You" is the
one from 1959 by the Flamingos ("shoo-wop-shoo-bop"). Since we don't care to
know of any other versions, we can't really answer your question.
Send water guns and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.
Issue Date: July 5 - 11, 2002
