The opening line
BY PHILLIPE & JORGE
Although we know Vo Dilunduhs simply abhor gambling, lest it damage the moral
fiber for which the state is renowned (cough, cough), your superior
correspondents would like to do our readers the favor of handicapping the
unfolding Plunder Dome trial.
With the start of the biggest corruption trial in state history (and boy,
that's really saying something), here's the opening line from Casa Diablo -- or
Vega$ East, as our abode is now known, with a tip of the hat to the recently
departed Robert "Dan Tanna" Urich:
Mayor Buddy "Vincent A." Cianci:
Conviction on any count: 2-1 for (due in large part to the
University Club charge, in which the Bud-I meets his match in clout, and this
is what will bite him in the butt.)
Does time: Even money (But at a white collar resort prison.)
Takes it on the lam: 3-1 against (But how hard would it be to motor out
of Newport on a summer day with thousands of other boats on the water and turn
an ostensible "three-hour tour" into a Gilligan-style MIA escape?)
Former chief of staff Frank Corrente:
Rolls over for the prosecution: 2-1 against (While this would
seem to be a given for Corrente to avoid spending his dotage behind bars, an
extremely strong rumor indicates that faithful Frank has already turned down a
one-day sentence of home confinement in exchange for cooperating with the feds
against his former boss.)
Does time (provided he doesn't roll): 20-1 for (Remember, another great
story we regaled you with in this space months ago has it that the feds have
Corrente on videotape pocketing a $10,000 bribe, and a still from this tape was
shown to Frank and Cianci. When Corrente hurriedly told the Bud-I he could
testify that he was taking the envelope out of his suit coat pocket, instead of
putting it in, Hizzoner screamed at him, "What do you think they're going to
do? Show the fucking tape BACKWARDS in court?")
Bud-I top aide Artie Coloian:
Conviction: 5-1 for (When his case comes to trial immediately
after Cianci's, the blood on the floor will be knee-deep.)
Gets into a fight in a restaurant men's room with Charlie Bakst: 10-1
for.
The altercation takes place at Angelo's: 50-1 for.
Businessmen Richard Autiello and Edward Voccola:
Convictions: 10-1 for
They roll over: 10-1 against (Hey, not for nuthin', but these guys know
how to do the right thing.)
Prosecutor as victim
One of the unfortunate results of the federal court ban on cameras and
recording devices in the trial of the Bud-I and his co-defendants is that the
media has resorted to using sketch artists to depict the court action. No one
has fared worse in this arrangement than lead prosecutor Richard Rose. Your
superior correspondents have observed in recent weeks that none of the various
depictions of Richard look even vaguely like the man.
Of particular interest was the rather sizable sketch of Rose accompanying Ian
Donnis's profile of the prosecutor right here in the Phoenix (March 22).
It seemed to add about 50 pounds and a dozen years to Rose's fit, athletic
frame. Someone here in the office at Phoenix Central claimed to P&J
that this might have been an arty attempt to merge the images of the mayor and
the prosecutor. Luckily for this wag, he wasn't under oath. And the sketches of
Rose we've seen in the BeloJo and on the local television stations have
similarly missed the mark.
Not that this seems to be troubling the assistant US attorney. We briefly
bumped into the prosecutor on the morning of Saturday, April 20, and he was in
his usually ebullient mood. Rose told us he was planning a round of golf that
afternoon. If confidence means anything, the defendants are in trouble. Minutes
after greeting the prosecutor, we opened up the Other Paper and noticed the
photographs taken outside the courtroom on Friday, April 19. Big smiles on the
faces of the government team contrasted wildly with the grimaces on the faces
of the Bud-I and his attorney, Richard Egbert. Hmmmm.
Beyond Plunder Dome: Other legal news
At Casa Diablo it's a dead heat as to the other most important story on the
show biz-judicial front this week: either the arrest of Robert Blake for murder
or the death of Rusty Burrell, longtime People's Court bailiff. The
New York Times obit for Rusty pointed out that he was a real-life
bailiff (just like Wapner was a real-life judge) and had been a participant in
the trials of both Charles Manson and Patty Hearst. After those heady
experiences, we guess it was a bit of a comedown to be serving at trials in
which the big question was, "did Joe Blow really pour cornflakes into the gas
tank of his white trash ex-wife's 14-year-old Toyota Camry?" And we must not
forget that, in his later years, Rusty loyally followed Wapner to their
groundbreaking Animal Court show on the Animal Planet cable network
(groundbreaking in the sense that it was the first time we ever saw cows in the
docket).
Speaking of our animal friends, debate has been raging at Casa D. over whether
Blake or the parrot was the better actor on Baretta. At any rate,
Bobby's going to have to trump his performance in In Cold Blood to beat
this rap. And like the Bud-I's recent excursion into the world of really
dark-hued make-up, the badly bungled plastic surgery currently sported by the
actor will be of little help with a jury.
One more bit of consumer news: while we breathlessly await a new updated
version of the "Silly Buddy" T-shirt, it appears that the Internet's T-Shirt
Outlet is doing brisk business with its Robert Blake shirt (a photo of
pre-facelift Bobby giving the single-digit salute with the caption, "Don't do
the crime, if you can't do the time," a popular Baretta mantra.
Superior headline of the week
Sombreros off to all those zany superior behaviorists over at the BeloJo sports
headline desk for the winning headline of Sunday, April 21, "Pats pick buff
tight end." Casa Diablo regulars Bruce A., Steve B., and Richard A. were all
greatly impressed.
More T-shirts
If you find the Robert Blake T-shirt isn't quite offensive enough for you, you
might want to check out what's available on eBay. Earlier this week,
Abercrombie & Fitch pulled thousands of T-shirts off their shelves when
complaints came flooding in. The shirts, featuring racist Asian caricatures
(buck teeth, funnel hats, etc.), bore the legend, "Wong Brothers Laundry
Service" and the motto, "Two Wongs Can Make It White." According to the New
York Post's "Page Six," a San Jose, California-based entrepreneur (known on
eBay as "energytrust 11") has scooped up thousands of the despicable shirts and
has been getting bids of more than $150 apiece for the offending togs.
Mr. Moral Certainty
Phillipe & Jorge have always found George W. Bush and other disciples of
moral certainty (always droning on about "the good guys and the bad guys") a
bit much to take. Here's what we'd like to know: if the world is so black and
white, where would you like to place the Roman Catholic Church, since it has
become evident that many people in the upper levels of that institution did
nothing or actively worked at derailing attempts to expose the pedophilia
scandal? Would you say, Mr. Bush, as you do about the "War on Terrorism," that
you are either on our side or the other side? Likewise, where would you put
Ariel Sharon in your black and white world? One of the few things P&J have
learned for certain from our brief stay on this jumping bean sphere is that
anyone who evinces moral certainty is most definitely full of shit. Perhaps
this is at the root of the Church's problems as well.
Barrels of ink and bottles of Laudanum
Vo Dilunduhs are quite proud that our two most famous writers are Edgar Allan
Poe and H.P. Lovecraft, masters of the macabre in all its infinite forms, who
used Our Little Towne as the inspiration and backdrop for their stories. And
today in Providence, we are blessed with many people who carry on that
tradition, writing of unspeakable horrors, mysteries, and the bizarre, in the
grand tradition of Messrs. Poe and Lovecraft. We call these folks
journalists.
Kids say the darndest (and nicest) things
P&J hate to reprint things directly from other papers, but sometimes the
occasion warrants it. To wit, a nice story from the "Metropolitan Diary" in the
New York Times of April 22. The Providence Police should take note of
this since it involves their perception of foreign people at our downtown train
station:
"The current security situation reminded Elana Lore of taking her niece,
Lauren, then five, on the Delta Shuttle. Across the aisle from their seats were
several Sikh businessmen wearing turbans. Lauren's eyes got huge. She tapped
Ms. Lore on the arm and whispered excitedly, 'Look, Aunt Elana, genies!' "
Send (prime) Plunder Dome passes and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.
Issue Date: April 26 - May 2, 2002
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