The circus is coming to town, but the Barnum & Bailey version this
year is mere animal crackers compared to Plunder Dome, the real deal Vo Dilun
main event. Yes, all eyes are on the federal courthouse as the Bud-I, armed with
Richard Egbert, faces the power and might of the United States government.
Anyone placing bets on this is pretty foolish, since Judge Torres's gag order
and the high stakes have pretty much shut down the usual leakage as far as
evidence is concerned. This doesn't mean that people haven't been madly
handicapping the biggest judicial show to hit town since Claus the Louse's
reversal of fortune. And, needless to say, your superior correspondents have
gotten caught up as well.
Our best blind guess is that the Bud-I will emerge with his popularity intact,
regardless of the outcome, even if he gets hauled off to the slammer. This is
because the University Club charges seem to be the strongest. There are two
reasons for this: first, unlike the other charges, there are few
connect-the-dots requirements. He's at the center of this. The second reason is
that there seems to be some stronger evidence here.
There's supposedly an audiotape of a phone conversation between the mayor and
Steven Antonson, a member of the Providence Building Board of Review. If the
phone conversation reveals the Bud-I giving a verbal working over to Antonson,
it will not be pretty. Anyone who has ever been worked over in this way by the
mayor can pretty well imagine the language and the tone. And Antonson could
prove to be an effective witness.
We say the Bud-I retains his popularity even if found guilty on these charges
because "the street" (the currently popular term for describing Arab popular
opinion in the Middle East) doesn't really give a shit about the University
Club and will sympathize with the Bud-I. We also expect that any U Club
officers who testify will look bad. They won't want to make it look like they
were either dissing or sucking up to the mayor, hence they'll appear so white
and uptight that Hizzoner can't help but look good in comparison.
Of course, even though this appears to be the pulse on the street, the fact is
that the charges on the University Club matter are extortion and jury tampering
-- serious stuff, no matter what the residents of Elmwood or Silver Lake might
think.
Since no one who could conceivably know anything truly damning (Coloian,
Corrente) has rolled thus far, we suspect that connecting the dots to the
mayor, as the prosecution claims it will, should be exceedingly difficult. If
David Ead, the convicted tax board vice chairman, and Tony Freitas, the wacko
small businessman and prime informant, are the strongest witnesses,
fuhgeddaboutit. Egbert will shred these two bozos on cross-examination.
And, needless to say, if the Bud-I is fully vindicated, you'll see a four-year
victory lap the likes of which . . . well, you can imagine.
Sure signs of the impending apocalypse
It might have been the recent report indicating that Sharon Stone was never
actually on the rolls of Mensa, even though every article written about her in
the past decade has mentioned this "fact," that alerted your superior
correspondents to the real fact that the end is near.
Here is a brief list that should convince any skeptics:
* Although Sharon Stone is not a member of Mensa, Geena Davis is. The
implication is that being a genius means that you marry a really bad European
movie director (Renny Harlin) and then try out for the Olympic archery team
even though you're hardly qualified.
* The Osbournes, the cinéma vérité look at life at
home with Ozzie and la famiglia, is now the highest rated program in the
history of MTV.
* Russell Crowe has announced that, after his death, he intends to have his
brain donated to science. To which Internet gossip columnist Jeannette Walls
adds, "No word yet on whether they'll accept the part that was attracted to
Courtney Love."
* Last week's issue of the New Yorker featured an exceedingly scary
profile of Attorney General John Ashcroft. A number of people close to the AG
mentioned their view that Ashcroft will eventually run for president, citing
his firm belief that this is God's will. The fact that he showed up on
Letterman last week, playing Beatles tunes on the piano, indicates that
Ashcroft really does intend to run. Anyone seen Omen III: The Final
Conflict? If the lunatic AG ever manages to get nominated by the
Republicans, we recommend it as must viewing for all registered voters.
* The two people with the absolute worst rugs on the state government payroll
-- state Senator John Celona and District Court Judge Robert Pirraglia -- both
have cable access television shows.
Special Ed
Phillipe and Jorge may have mistakenly given the impression that we regard
Secretary of State Edward Inman as a shameless butt-boy for his benefactor,
House Speaker Pucky Harwood, and as an ethically challenged overseer of a
government office that has all the moral and fiscal integrity of a traveling
carnival. That is certainly not the case. Rather, we believe the secretary of
state is just plain dumb.
How else to explain Special Ed's decision to go live on talk radio -- and to
think that by saying, "We need to move forward. This chapter is closed." --
he's going to make the scandals of his office go away? (Especially when United
Relations, the company of Steve Cuomo, former Cranston administration director,
and state Representative Frank Montanaro, comes looking for the dough its owed
for fundraising for the national secretaries of state conference?) What person
with a measurable IQ would say that this upcoming national conference is "a big
project for the nation"? What nation might that be, Eddie? Eritrea?
The topper was treating the Democratic endorsement in his upcoming primary
fight with Matt Brown as a smooch from Cameron Diaz, instead of the kiss of
death that it represents to everyone but Pucky and the worst of the State House
inside dealers. Why doesn't he get calling cards dusted with anthrax to
complete this appealing package?
No, Special Ed wouldn't be
the sharpest thing in a drawer full of butter
knives. Pucky and his personal NHL, the Neanderthal Harwood League, have played
Inman like a cheap violin. It's bad enough that the speaker, who
put
his hockey-playing pal in office by regal decree, was using him to hire a
former pro hockey player from out of state for a dubious job. But Inman's
former chief of staff, Joe DeLorenzo, was also running wild on Eddie's watch.
We can imagine "Twin Oaks Joe" mesmerizing Inman as one would a golden
retriever, waving shiny objects and brightly colored pieces of cloth in front
of him, while he ran around helping Harrah's for NHL leader Harwood. Not to
mention cutting scam handshake deals with companies run by a current legislator
and former city government crony. Meanwhile, Ed is out doing important things
like issuing proclamations and unveiling portraits.
We hope our old pals Ray Rickman and Chris Wall do their best to prevent their
boss from falling down the marble stairs in the State House as he gawks up at
the rotunda dome, and at least try to not let him speak in public. Perhaps they
can put a campaign bumper sticker on the soles of his shoes as well, as they're
the only visible part of him protruding from Pucky Harwood's buttocks.
Women's intuition
Speaking of intelligence, who says that Oprah Winfrey is a moron? Certainly not
your superior correspondents, especially when we see Oprah display her
razor-sharp intelligence in public.
Last week, Oprah declined to travel to South Africa for the
Champagne-and-balloons launch of her O magazine in the land of
apartheid. Was it fears of nascent racism that kept her away? No, silly. She
was scared of traveling. Why? "I started feeling uncomfortable about traveling.
My instinct says things aren't right in parts of the world." My God, the woman
is a seer!
Spooky, eh boys and girls? When queried about where she was referring to --
and how she could possibly even think of coming up with an answer to such a
tough question -- she summoned her towering genius to reply, "All parts -- and
to get from my part to your part I'd have to travel over other parts."
Hey Einstein, travel over THIS part.
Economic developments
It was heartwarming to see the boost that an employee of the Economic
Development Corporation recently attempted to give to a young female
entrepreneur. The EDCer, who drove a prison "work detail" van, opened the side
door for economic growth, allowing one of his charges from the ACI to give a
quick injection to the bank account (among other things) of a prostitute inside
the van, in a West End alley.
No doubt the prisoner and EDC employee, showing the constant vigilance so
typical of EDC, were thinking "economic stimulus package" when they spotted the
self-employed outdoor worker. Any surprise they were interested in penetrating
the market with a large incentive package that would attract future
investors?
Turned out to whore for a container port by its infamous pimp, known on the
street simply as "Bigfoot," the agency ironically ended up in a situation where
the round-heeled shoe was on the other foot.
Crapped out
Devastation at Casa Diablo with the news that Dan Tanna has driven his '57
T-Bird from the Desert Inn in Las Vegas to that living room garage in the sky.
Robert Urich, star of Vega$, one of the most memorable TV shows of the
20th century (Phillipe once belonged to a club devoted to gathering to watch it
each week), has passed on at the young age of 55.
He leaves behind flags at half-mast a Casa Diablo, a legion of fans, a weeping
Binzer, and Phyllis Davis's sweaters. Everybody now, "Ve-ga$, with
Phyliss Da-vis, dah-dum-dum-dum-dum, dum-dah-dum-dum . . ."
Send banana pudding, collards, and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.
Issue Date: April 19 - 25, 2002
