Paging George Santayana
BY PHILLIPE & JORGE
Your superior correspondents are big fans of the annual PU-litzer Prizes for
idiotic journalistic achievement, which were recently awarded for 2001. Perhaps
our favorite went to the home of one of our favorite chicks, Newsweek's
Cathleen McGuigan, who had a sufficient sense of humor to circulate it to
friends. Then again, she wasn't the guilty party.
As the PU-litzer committee described the gaffe, "When Newsweek
published a December 3 cover story of George W. and Laura Bush, it was a paean
to 'The First Team,' more akin to worship than journalism. Along the way, the
magazine explained that the president doesn't read many books. 'He's busy
making history, but doesn't look back at his own, or the world's . . . Bush
would rather look forward than backward. It's the way he's built, and the
result is a president who operates without evident remorse or second-guessing.'
"
Yep, he looks out of a window in his stomach because he's got his head that
far up his ass. It's the way he's built. Laura, will you read me some Harry
Potter?
A reassuring answer
Nothing like taking a flight when the guy next to you tries to set fire to two
fuses leading into the explosives in his sneakers, now is there?
Yes, Richard Reid (if that is indeed your name, Lieutenant Batguano), the
rather deranged Brit (if that is indeed your nationality, Mr. bin Laden),
caused quite a stir when he had to be subdued on a flight from Paris to Miami
that was diverted to Boston - no doubt because of the renowned safety standards
at Logan. But could there be anything lamer than the excuse offered by
government spokesmodels, reported in the immediate aftermath by the
Washington Post, to try to calm fears that yet another potentially fatal
breach of security had occurred on a huge jetliner?
"Other government sources cautioned that the man -- identified by Boston
authorities as Richard Reid -- could have simply been trying to light a
cigarette with his shoes . . . " Well, there's an explanation that makes sense.
You can keep those Zippo and Bic lighters. Just give us a good pair of Converse
high-tops when we want to torch up a Gitane.
What an incredible organ
Our Little Towne lost a true original with the passing of Skip Chernov this
past week. Regardless of whether he was posing nude for an alternative
newspaper; starting a bar called the Incredible Organ; buying people Cadillacs,
whistle blowing on corrupt public officials; or making outrageous claims, like
saying he was seduced into selling a professional basketball team because he
was drunk, but now wanted it back, you could count on Skip to be anything but
boring. We'll be blaring "Stairway to Heaven" at Casa Diablo in memory of the
old rock and roll promoter.
Merci beaucoup
This has not been the most delightful year in Phillipe and Jorge's life, so in
retrospect we can appreciate even better the bright lights that appeared in it.
As always, our sincerest thanks and praise to editors Ian Donnis and Lou
Papineau for putting up with our BS and Butterfly McQueen-esque dramatics on a
weekly basis. And also to all the people who are responsible for cranking out
this rag every week. Special kudos to Steve Brown, the head ramrod of the
Providence Phoenix, whose tireless work has allowed the paper to survive
through the years. Also to Peter Kadzis, top editor at the Phoenix
Media/Communications Group, whose shrewd editorial judgment has kept P&J
out of jail for libel, and PM/CG owner Stephen Mindich, who recently said to
your superior correspondents either, "Thank you for carrying the paper on the
back of your vast talents," or, "You two are fucking morons." Memory does not
serve well in this instance.
But most of all, thank you to all of our friends, many of whom saw at least P
through a personal annus horribilus, and whose addresses range from Ten
Rod Road and Albatross Drive to New York, New Orleans, L.A., and Paris. It
won't be forgotten.
America and apple pie
If the pageant leaves Atlantic City, it would be a historical tragedy. They go
together like America and apple pie. The values of the pageant would exist
wherever they put it, but everybody would lose something." This, according to
Vicki Gold Levi, former Miss America pageant judge and author (with Lee
Eisenberg) of Atlantic City: 125 Years of Ocean Madness.
The Miss America Organization thinks that holding the pageant at Boardwalk
Hall in Atlantic City is vital, and it's trying to pressure the city and the
State of New Jersey into ponying up another million bucks in support. The
Atlantic City Convention & Visitors Authority (which already kicks in
$678,000) is balking at providing more cash. And so the Miss America people are
threatening to move the operation to Vegas, Florida, or maybe even Mohegan Sun
in nearby Connecticut. Perhaps it could take place on the under card of the
next Vinnie Paz bout?
The whole imbroglio is as hilarious as the pageant itself of course. The
caretakers of the Miss America legacy are always harping about the "image" of
their contestants, but they somehow think that Vegas and/or an Indian casino
will strike the right chord?
As local partisans, your superior correspondents would like the Renaissance
City to place its bid for the pageant forthwith. It would be perfect for the
Dunkin' Donuts Center, especially if they start opening up the competition to
contestants who are, let's say, a bit more zaftig than in recent years.
Political correctness update
Aren't we all so relieved that Time magazine has backed off its
proclaimed standards and practices, naming Mayor Rudy Giuliani as its "Person
of the Year"? It was noted ad nauseam while the prospects were still being
bandied about that previous designees included Hitler and Stalin. This is
because, as Henry Luce originally laid it down, the Person (in those days
"Man") of the Year was supposed to be the individual who most influenced our
lives in the past 365 days. It was created not as an honor, but an objective
assessment.
So your superior correspondents find it interesting that the conservative
voices so often raised in opposition to "political correctness" are strangely
silent in this case. Let's be honest. In any real analysis of the past year,
one has to look to the evil perpetrated by bin Laden as the most influential
event. Giuliani's heroic action was in his response to the attacks, without
which he would be remembered more for his unfortunate marital strife, the
ridiculous fights he picked in attempting to "cleanse" the art scene in New
York, and a rather ambiguous legacy in race relations, as well as NYC's rise
through the '90s.
But as with virtually everything, marketing wins the day in selecting the
Person of the Year cover figure. While Time's managing editor, Jim
Kelly, announced that bin Laden was rejected because he is "too small of a man
to get the credit for all that has happened in America [since the attacks]",
who does Kelly think is responsible? The US government seems to think that bin
Laden is the primary culprit. Does Kelly have information suggesting
otherwise?
When you consider Time's Person of the Year tradition, it's clear that
bin Laden should have been selected. It's equally clear that he wasn't because
of a classic example of "political correctness." Will we be hearing from the
usual conservative pundits on this? Don't hold your breath.
Afghan opportunities
Yes, times are tough in the US of A right now, and because of this, Phillipe
& Jorge are looking into opportunities in Afghanistan. Now that in many
parts of the country the burkas are off and Western influence is bound to be
flooding into the former Taliban stronghold, your superior correspondents
imagine there could be some possible job opportunities opening up real soon.
For instance, if P&J became editors of the Pashtun edition of Maxim
or Details, we could probably give the folks over there a good idea of
what like is like in the West. And, undoubtedly Martha Stewart will soon be
heading in country to instruct the Northern Alliance on poppy arrangements.
The superior angle
The San Francisco Examiner broke the story that John Walker, the young
American man captured with the Taliban, left home shortly after his father,
Frank Lindh, had left Walker's mother and their family in 1997 to move in with
another man. Ever since then, the Examiner and the other San Francisco
daily, the Chronicle, have been swapping charges as to who's exploiting
the Walker family. Implicit in the Chronicle's charge that the Examiner
attacked the Walker family in a "disgusting" way is that there's something
negative or insulting about noting that Mr. Lindh is gay.
That's a bit too much for these two superior behaviorists. The reason why the
story may be important is in explaining the behavior of young Walker. The
Examiner reported that he was bothered and confused by this change in
the family dynamic. Could this explain something about his all-consuming
interest in Islam and subsequent involvement with the Taliban, one of the most
virulently anti-gay groups in the world, who wielded one of the most extreme
interpretations of that faith?
It is not unusual for people who become deeply upset about something they
don't understand to irrationally strike out against it (like a person upset by
a parent's being Jewish getting hooked up with neo-Nazis). We're not
psychiatrists, but we do know that the Examiner's story on the family of
John Walker Lindh is part of the story and may explain much about our fears,
ignorance, and how we deal with it, for better or worse.
Send instant decoder rings and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.
Issue Date: December 28, 2001 - January 3, 2002
|
