Talk about being behind the curve a bit -- one should look no further than the
formation of a special House commission to study State House security in the
wake of current events.
This is doubtless a good idea, although it's beyond our ken to think of
bringing anything more frightening to Halitosis Hall than John Harwood and his
cronies. And enhancing security will take away much of the charm of the State
House, which has traditionally been as accessible as Madonna's knickers.
In the mid-'80s, when Phillipe worked across Smith Street from the Independent
Man, there was never any problem to bring in a bucket across the street,
through a side entrance and into the sub-basement, where he could fill it with
free ice to cool down office sodas during the summer. Rarely would Phillipe
encounter anyone during the working hours trip, and if he did, carrying a
bucket of ice was hardly an eyebrow-raiser in that environment.
We have also seen people, while attending an evening function under the dome,
walk into the governor's office, sit in his chair and put their feet up on the
desk, with nary a cleaning lady -- never mind a security cop -- to be seen.
It's a wonder that the state is still in possession of the Gilbert Stuart
portrait of George Washington and its other prized historic memorabilia, since
the current state room is usually wide open and as vacant as a GOP
congressional candidate's fund-raiser.
While we hope, of course, that the attacks on the country don't reach here,
the past laxity at the State House indicates that if anyone ever wanted to
cause trouble on Smith Hill, they could have easily done it by now. Assume the
position.
MIA (again)
Phillipe and Jorge got quite a hoot out of press reports about the admiration
of other governors for our own Lincoln Almond's coolness under fire and failure
to overreact after the recent terrorist attacks. Bigfoot kept state workers on
the job while their brethren in Massachusetts hit the highway like roadrunners,
and Big Linc refused to rush the National Guard into work as security personnel
at Green Airport, despite Dubya Bush's call for the same.
Well, as P&J have always said, when you need someone to do nothing, the
Missing Linc's your man.
Attention, Chief Sullivan
As we have said before, Phillipe & Jorge have been favorably impressed by
Richard Sullivan's performance since he was appointed interim chief of police
in Providence. While we have no idea how he'll fare among the 70 applicants
seeking the permanent position, it would be a definite feather in his cap for
Colonel Sullivan to dismiss, toot sweet, the ludicrous weapons charge against
Mr. Sher J.B. Singh.
Singh is the man from Leesburg, Virginia, who was arrested at the Providence
rail station on September 12 as he was heading to Washington from Boston. As
the country was undergoing the trauma from the previous day's assault, Mr.
Singh was unfortunately traveling from the Hub (where two of the doomed flights
originated), wearing a beard and turban (he is a Sikh), and sporting a kirpan
around his neck. The kirpan is a small ceremonial dagger that, not unlike a
crucifix or Star of David, is an important symbol in the Sikh faith.
At the rail station, a crowd who perceived him as the closest visual
representation of a possible suspect subjected Mr. Singh to verbal threats and
intimidation. Soon, however, it was determined that Mr. Singh wasn't at all
suspicious, merely an engineer from Virginia who had been in Massachusetts to
see his wife, a student at Tufts University.
But the Providence Police, perhaps out of embarrassment, shame, or merely to
save face (for there is no reasonable explanation for filing charges), felt it
important to charge him with possession of a knife (the kirpan). The disgrace
is that this charge has not been dismissed. On October 16, the Rhode Island
ACLU requested that the police dismiss this ridiculous charge -- the obvious
result of racial profiling and misunderstanding.
We believe that Colonel Sullivan, who has proved wise and reasonable in a
number of other circumstances since becoming chief, should once again show his
intelligence and wisdom by dropping these charges. Is there any reason why he
shouldn't?
Conservation corner
P&J believe it's wrong to fault Poppy's Boy on all environmental issues.
Just last week, he took a solid stand by adding a new species to the endangered
wildlife list: the Providence Urinal Reporter, a bird best known for hanging
around watering holes and squawking loudly. Corporate management has threatened
this rare bird in its main habitat on Fountain Street, where editors and senior
executives have been taking a growing number of potshots. They are the second
group added to the list by Dubya since he became president, the first being the
vanishing Dot-Com Millionaire -- a pig whose species, Billgatescine, was once
thought to be in terrific health.
Sept. 11 and the 'War on Drugs'
A look at the front-page of the Other Paper of October 16 got your superior
correspondents to thinking. Under the headline, "In Rhode Island, lots of
anxiety but no incidents," ran the subhead, "Still, the mere sight of an
unidentified powder is enough to make many people nervous." It didn't seem so
long ago when one had to inhale the unidentified powder through a straw or
rolled up dollar bill to achieve that degree of nervousness.
But times have changed and the media types who used to rejoice when an
envelope or package of unidentified powder somehow made it through the mails
and into their clammy mitts (as Keith Richards put it, "Another good batch from
another good friend") now tremble in fear.
More so than the impact on the domestic drug culture, the reverberations of
September 11 will more likely realign the worldwide trade in illegal narcotics.
It has been noted that the Taliban has profited from the exportation of drugs
-- Afghanistan having some of the more impressive poppy fields on planet Earth
-- but not to the the extent that our new best friends in the region, the
Northern Alliance, has cashed in on the opium trade.
Considering our history in matters such as these, P&J imagine that the US
government's response to the Northern Alliance's lucrative heroin sales will be
to look the other way. Perhaps we'll take a page from the Vietnam era and
actually help them in transporting and processing the stuff. After all, it's
now the general consensus that the CIA needs more resources and flexibility to
operate, and pragmatist/realists that they are, our boys from Langley will
explain that it's in our best interests to aid the enemies of the Taliban with
their primary export.
Call Ira
The heightened sense of security now being inflicted on us makes P&J recall
a story told by journalist Christopher Hitchens about his days at Oxford in the
early 1970s, when he was pals with Bill Clinton and our old friend Ira
Magaziner. At the time, the Irish Republican Army was blowing up bombs in and
around London, and security was at a peak.
Hitchens returned home from classes one day to find the local constabulary in
his apartment, quite eager to have a chat. While entering the flat to talk to
one of Hitchens's roommates about a different police matter, they spotted an
ominous note next to his phone. It read, "Call Ira." The police, not knowing
Mr. Magaziner as we Rhode Islanders do, assumed Hitches was being requested to
phone the IRA. A nice lesson, perhaps, as we all become ad hoc
counterintelligence agents.
Superheroes
Phillipe and Jorge are sorry if we aren't as overcome by Dubya's speech to the
joint session of Congress as the majority of people were -- and didja see the
gusher editorial in the New York Times the next day? While we'll always
respect the office, we wish that our president projected a little better than a
bewildered eighth grader who seems to be speaking while fighting an attack of
Tourette's Syndrome.
One of his more baffling comments was talking about what we heard as "women of
cover," which he mentioned twice. What in God's name did that mean -- perhaps a
reference to supermodels like Linda Evangelista? And referring to "the evil
one" and "the evil doers" sounds like Dubya has been reading too many superhero
comic books. That and his constant use of the first person, "I will" is
reminiscent of his father, and the way Original George would snap off "Sad-dam"
while referring to his own nemesis.
Would someone in the White House or Pentagon please remind Georgie Boy that
this isn't Marvel Comics nor a one-on-one battle for the universe with Osama.
It is a comprehensive and deep-seated war that will involve all of us for years
-- including future presidents whose strategic defense policies aren't based
upon X-Men comics.
Conspiracy central
The recent outbreak of anthrax poisoning has Phillipe & Jorge wondering if
Osama bin Laden could be responsible. After much thought, and even more Pernod
and grapefruits, your superior correspondents came to the conclusion that bin
Laden does not have the wherewithal to manipulate the US mails in such a
manner. In fact, the only name that came up was Ed McMahon.
Yes, only Ed McMahon, Mr. Clearinghouse himself, would have a sophisticated
enough knowledge to use the USPS in such a manner. But it couldn't be Ed. He's
a Budweiser-swilling, regular kind of guy, and you know darned well that he has
a very large American flag protruding from his dwelling, not one of those
little ones. So, much as Ed McMahon (and to a lesser extent, Dick Clark) have
the requisite abilities to create a mail scare in the US of A, we believe that
he's too much the patriotic slacker to actually be involved in such heinous
acts.
As more Pernod and grapefruit, and more conspiracy theories were unfolded at
Casa Diablo, it struck P&J that among the two most celebrated recipients of
anthrax-tainted mailings were NBC anchor Tom Brokaw and Senate Majority Leader
Tom Daschle. Both are named Tom, but more to the point, both are from South
Dakota.
Hmmm. Could this be some sort of terrorist plot to destroy the self-esteem of
one small, yet vulnerable state? If this is the case, we say, stay on alert:
Mary Hart, Cheryl Ladd, Mamie Van Doren, and George McGovern.
Send a telescope, cheap sunglasses, and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.
Issue Date: October 19 - 25, 2001
