Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I recently received an invitation to a party. On the invitation was the instruction "No gifts." The party was just a casual holiday get-together among a bunch of friends. I was somewhat thrown off, however, by the statement "no gifts." Is this the type of party where people regularly bring gifts? Is this a sort of coded message indicating that, if fact, you should ignore the message and bring gifts? I'd hate to go empty-handed if other people are bringing gifts. What do you make of this?
-- Confused in Cambridge

Dear Confused,
I'm as puzzled as you are. Why would the person throwing this event even be thinking about the acquisition of gifts?

It seems a rather odd thing to put on an invitation to a holiday gathering of friends. I would take your host at his/her word. If it was intended to be some sort of "hinto reverso," it would have worked better if the note had read something a bit more specific like: "Please do not bring envelopes stuffed with large denomination bills and stick them on the shelf in the front closet near the stairs."

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I used to work in a highly visible job on television. For a number of reasons, I left that job and am now happily employed in another business in which I do not have a high public profile. Unfortunately, people approach me all the time and ask why I'm no longer on television. They don't seem to be able to comprehend that I am very happy in my current position and don't miss television at all. Is there anything that I can tell these people that they can understand?
-- Happy and Anonymous

Dear Happy,
No, there is probably nothing you can say to the people you have described that would make them understand that you don't miss being on television. For most people, "being on television" is just about the highest achievement that a human could ever hope for. Curing cancer would be a great achievement too but, for most people, the scientific breakthrough is important because then you will be famous and appear on television chatting with Katie Couric.

If people persist in questioning you about your absolutely astonishing decision to cease working on television, you might want to explain that, after a great deal of reflection, you decided to take the zillions of dollars you made (as we all know, Terrence Guappo, the third-string weatherman at the Sandusky, Ohio, network affiliate, makes exactly the same as Tom Brokaw), move to a trailer park, and watch other people on TV because then you wouldn't have to bathe or bother fixing your hair.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Are there any hard and fast rules on tipping pizza delivery people?
-- Just Wondering

Dear Just Wondering,
I know of no statute or folkloric custom that would inform one as to the proper tip for pizza delivery. Perhaps one of Dr. Lovemonkey's readers who has been or is currently engaged in the pizza services industry would care to give us an informed opinion on the subject (also on what they think of when they hear the term "hard and fast"). Dr. Lovemonkey tends to go for a $2 or $2 and change tip for a standard delivery (i.e., a pie or two). Of course, if you're ordering many pies for some manner of drunken bash or, as the Dr. has experienced, the weekly meeting of the college newspaper staff, a larger gratuity would be expected. Dr. Lovemonkey has occasionally been contacted by pizza delivery personnel who are quite eager to tell him about the bad tipping and even worse sartorial habits of local celebrities when they have ordered in. so if you are a public figure of sorts, Dr. Lovemonkey wants to alert you to avoid receiving the pizza delivery person in stained bathrobe, hair curlers, or other unfortunate mufti. In addition, do not try to fob off 25 cents as a reasonable tip.

Issue Date: December 27, 2002 - January 2, 2003