Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
After reviewing your archives when I was bored at work, I must take exception to something you wrote in May. We do not rue "We've Only Just Begun" as a theme and motto for our high school graduating class. Why Karen Carpenter does not get more respect is beyond me. And no, I'm not gay, just a manic depressive.
-- A Fan

Dear Fan,
I have taken your advice and made a concerted effort to listen to more of the Carpenters. I still don't like them. However, I have been developing a number of same-sex urges.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm a 30-year-old male. I had been living with someone for approximately one-and-a-half years, until she moved out in July (at my request). At the very end of our relationship (before she actually moved out), I began seeing my rebound. The relationship was very passionate, but quickly ended due to personality conflicts and since she was a rebound. About two weeks after the rebound ended, I met Jill, who is now the source of my dilemma. I have known her for nearly four months now.

Jill is a beautiful, energetic, charismatic, intelligent paralegal who works in my office. We immediately hit it off and were inseparable for about five weeks. Then, two things happened: I told her that I loved her and her ex reappeared. One week after I dropped the "L bomb," he started calling her and stopping by her apartment.

She wanted to slow things down, regretfully, I resisted, and she began to withdraw. We began to spend a lot of time apart, and I saw less and less of her. This went on for two months, with her ex harassing her, and us slowing down. She finally came to her senses when he actually attacked her about two weeks ago.

We have been talking more since that, but I think the whole episode with her ex has really soured her on relationships for the time being. She says she wants to eventually be with me, but is not ready for a relationship right now and that we should remain friends. We talk all the time (she calls me more than I do her), and have been spending more time together lately. I can understand that she is not ready for a relationship, but I have trouble keeping things on a friendship level at times.

I recognize most of the red flags that go up in our situation, especially since we are both coming out of long-term relationships, and the fact that her ex has only been out of the picture for a matter of weeks. I also know that our chemistry is undeniable (she feels the same). I am not interested in anyone else, although she said she would understand if I wanted to date other people. I guess I would ask for your insight into my situation. I want to be with her, but I don't want to rush things in a way that would create problems down the road.
-- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I don't think you have much choice other than to accept that she probably isn't ready for a relationship. What you have to ask yourself is, how committed are you to pursuing the relationship with Jill? If you see her as the one person you want to have an intimate and exclusive relationship with, it will take patience and understanding. Perhaps it would be a good idea to spend time with some other women on a more casual basis. This may inspire Jill to consider more seriously what her relationship with you should be.

Patience does not appear to be your strong suit (I refer here to your prior situation where you got involved with someone else before your earlier girlfriend had moved out). Patience is always a good characteristic to cultivate. The one thing Jill and you should know is that, if you're to rekindle your romance, you should both be free of any other entanglements to focus solely on each other.

Issue Date: December 20 - 26, 2002